funeral in the time of COVID

[Anonymous]

My FIL passed away. My husband and his sister are having a memorial service this weekend, which is out of town for us, in his honor. People are flying in for it and driving from out of town to attend. We will have to stay with my MIL, and another aunt is staying there too. The service is outside at a park, with a reception afterwards, which is also outside at the same park.

I am at a loss on how to handle this. I have communicated to my spouse that these plans are risky. They put our family at risk and they put his family at risk. He agrees but says we can't stop living life. The kids will wear masks, but our youngest is 2, so....

Here are the events:

go to grandma's thursday night
prepare for event friday
service and reception outside saturday
another reception in a house saturday afternoon
a breakfast at someone's house on saturday

Saying that me and the kids are not coming to anything is a hugely drastic and horrible thing that I just don't want to do. How do I handle this? I suppose we could all get up early Saturday morning, drive the 3 hours, attend the outdoor ceremony, and return home? My husband will stay for it all, which means he'll come back to our house exposed to all germs. I suppose he could stay away for 2 weeks, but I work full-time, we have no help, and we have 3 kids. Camp has been canceled.

Please tell me what you'd do if you were in my shoes. I need more than just 'stay home' because it's my father-in-law, and that is a lot easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

The reception and breakfast in houses are unnecessary risks. Make them one single event in someone's yard or a public park and have chairs or ribbons to mark distancing positions. I would put my foot down on this unless you're going to a state with a very very small number of cases.

[Anonymous]

Also, must you and the kids go at all? Airplanes and airports are not great either.

[Anonymous]

Op here. My family can drive to the event. We do not have to fly. But others will be there who will fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My family can drive to the event. We do not have to fly. But others will be there who will fly.

I'd try to do it all in one day, especially since you can drive (long day, but you say it's possible). If it's an outdoor ceremony, and people are careful to space out, don't hug, etc., this scenario wouldn't be terribly risky. Wear a mask, so everyone knows you're one of those "paranoid" people, and will hopefully keep their distance, even if it's only out of irritation.

But I wouldn't stay in a household full of people coming from all over the country, especially if they're flying. Unless you know for sure they're from places that are still under stay-at-home orders and are following them fairly sensibly, you don't know what they're bringing—or what you'd be bringing home. There are states that still have 14-day quarantine orders inmplace (Maine, Delaware) for people coming out of state, so it's clear that not everyone is in agreement that non-essential interstate travel is OK at this stage.

Otherwise, I'd send your husband to do any events he's comfortable with on his own, but write a nice, heartfelt remembrance of your father-in-law that he can read on your behalf. You might even record a video of the kids sharing a sweet memory of grandpa that could be played at one of the more casual gatherings. You can express your condolences and show support for the family without actually being present.


Honestly, though, this all seems kind of over-the-top right now, considering that one of the largest early outbreaks in Chicago centered around a funeral gathering. If all else fails, you could always fake a cough and stay home with the kids. Later, you can explain that it must have just been allergies, but you can't be too careful, right?

[Anonymous]

It would be really tragic to kill your MIL w/Covid just to memorialize your FIL.

And yes, I’d would flat out refuse to set foot in people’s houses for receptions.. Are you staying w/MIL? Has she been isolating.

[Anonymous]

You might remind Mr. “can’t stop living life” that that’s exactly what happens if somebody gets sick and dies because of the denial surrounding this Metro-Goldwyn drama. Having a proper memorial for a good send off and to console the survivors is important but not at the expense of someone else getting sick.

Could you offer to cater each local group and then have the event(s) via livestream of some kind?

[Anonymous]

Assuming no one in your family is high risk, I say go for it.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your husband to go and rent a hotel room. And, offer at the one year or even 6 month mark to come back to do something to honor him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell your husband to go and rent a hotel room. And, offer at the one year or even 6 month mark to come back to do something to honor him.

Yes, this. Please don’t bring danger to MIL even though she needs all the love.

[Anonymous]

Your DH goes. Only him.

[Anonymous]

Aren’t there restrictions to the number of people who can be gathered at the local funeral?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might remind Mr. “can’t stop living life” that that’s exactly what happens if somebody gets sick and dies because of the denial surrounding this Metro-Goldwyn drama. Having a proper memorial for a good send off and to console the survivors is important but not at the expense of someone else getting sick.

Could you offer to cater each local group and then have the event(s) via livestream of some kind?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH goes. Only him.

+1 How old are your other kids? It would be perfectly understandable to stay home and just have hubby go. Why do you think this would be so horrible? These are unusual times and people should understand. Offer to help go through pictures for a memorial slide show or something else to help. I love my in-laws dearly, but no way would I travel to a funeral and stay at someone's house, socialize with a bunch of people coming from all over, etc. I hope your husband self-isolates when he returns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell your husband to go and rent a hotel room. And, offer at the one year or even 6 month mark to come back to do something to honor him.

+1 Send an amazing bouquet, too.