funeral in the time of COVID

[Anonymous]

I think your DH should go without you and only stay for the day. He should wear a mask and socially distance and Only go to the outside service.
Skip the breakfast etc. he should not spend the night anywhere.

I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

We buried my mother recently; she died of covid. It was difficult because we are a big family. My mom had five siblings, four children, 10 grandchildren. But she died as a health care worker and would have nagged us to keep the funeral safe for everyone. So two of my siblings just went solo to the funeral , leaving behind spouses and grandchildren, because they had high-risk family members or newborns. We capped the funeral at 10 people (outside of funeral staff) and a lot of family who really wanted to go just didn't/couldn't. This was also an out-of-town funeral. Everyone wore masks sand the funeral home made sure the chairs were six feet apart. We vowed we would try to do a more social gathering later this summer.

Even though my mother was religious and would have liked a full-fledged Catholic Mass , we just did a graveside service (a Mass with everything except communion) next to the grave. It was a beautiful outdoor service. We brought a speaker with music and set up a table with an ipad that cycled through pictures. And then one person (my spouse) was appointed the "photographer" and took lots of pictures of the service and funeral of the extended family. And then we hosted a big Zoom call a few hours after the service to serve as an after-gathering.

It was not ideal. But it was safe. This was 2.5 weeks ago, and miraculously, nobody got (more) sick afterwards, other than one member of the family who had lived with my mother, and had tested positive a month before the funeral, went to the funeral, and then tested positive again a week after the funeral. It's been 16 days and so far nobody who attended the funeral has shown symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We buried my mother recently; she died of covid. It was difficult because we are a big family. My mom had five siblings, four children, 10 grandchildren. But she died as a health care worker and would have nagged us to keep the funeral safe for everyone. So two of my siblings just went solo to the funeral , leaving behind spouses and grandchildren, because they had high-risk family members or newborns. We capped the funeral at 10 people (outside of funeral staff) and a lot of family who really wanted to go just didn't/couldn't. This was also an out-of-town funeral. Everyone wore masks sand the funeral home made sure the chairs were six feet apart. We vowed we would try to do a more social gathering later this summer.

Even though my mother was religious and would have liked a full-fledged Catholic Mass , we just did a graveside service (a Mass with everything except communion) next to the grave. It was a beautiful outdoor service. We brought a speaker with music and set up a table with an ipad that cycled through pictures. And then one person (my spouse) was appointed the "photographer" and took lots of pictures of the service and funeral of the extended family. And then we hosted a big Zoom call a few hours after the service to serve as an after-gathering.

It was not ideal. But it was safe. This was 2.5 weeks ago, and miraculously, nobody got (more) sick afterwards, other than one member of the family who had lived with my mother, and had tested positive a month before the funeral, went to the funeral, and then tested positive again a week after the funeral. It's been 16 days and so far nobody who attended the funeral has shown symptoms.

I am sorry for your loss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might remind Mr. “can’t stop living life” that that’s exactly what happens if somebody gets sick and dies because of the denial surrounding this Metro-Goldwyn drama. Having a proper memorial for a good send off and to console the survivors is important but not at the expense of someone else getting sick.

Could you offer to cater each local group and then have the event(s) via livestream of some kind?

+1

OP, look up the case that began the spread of Covid in Chicago. It was very well documented via contact tracing and should be MUCH more widely talked about as a real life example of how exactly these types of interactions spread the virus. One person flew in for a funeral and also attended a family takeout dinner and a birthday party over the same few days as a funeral; that one person ended up infecting 16 people, two of whom died. This was just as the pandemic was starting so the situation was a bit different--less known about asymptomatic transmission, no distancing etc. in place at that time yet--but it's a very telling illustration of why receptions and frankly even the funeral itself, with people coming in from different locations, is an ideal situation for spreading the virus.

This is easy for us as strangers to say, though. This is your DH's father and it would be immensely difficult for anyone to say no to attending a parent's funeral or even the events surrounding a funeral--we are societally and emotionally so attuned to mark a death together, as a supportive group. But in recent months, many other families have been in the same situation as your DH's family and have chosen the difficult path of virtual memorial services and/or funerals with only local family/friends attending, and no more than 10 of those, spaced out. It is tough but doable even after restrictions are lifted. However it sounds as if your DH's family has already made a lot of specific, traditional, "normal" plans which include obviously high-risk events. There'll be no six-foot distancing inside homes, people will eschew masks "at a time like this" and they will understandably want to hug your children. The multi-event plans tell you that these are not relatives who are likely to be very concerned about the virus, sadly. Emotions take over at times like this, and we all figure "the risk is worth it" or "this is a milestone event"--and we cross our well-washed fingers and hope hope hope we'll all come home uninflected.

But I'm with you, OP. Hoping isn't enough; a virus doesn't care about our hope, unfortunately. I would ask DH to go solo if he insists on attending, but only after a very serious talk about his not resenting the fact you and the kids aren't there and not bringing it up after the fact (no grudge held over you and the kids not being there, no "grandma was so upset!" talk in kids' earshot later). In short, ground rules where you respect it if he feels he must go but he respects it if you say it's objectively a risk for your children in particular (and yes, kids can get Covid as we're learning more each day).

I'm sorry for your loss and also sorry that you are in this difficult position, OP.

[Anonymous]

I would go, because I am a doormat, but I would be freaked out and pissed the whole time.