What's it like to be old and know that you don't have that many years left?

[Anonymous]

I don't mean for this question to be rude, and I apologize if it makes anyone uncomfortable. But this is something, I've always wondered about, but obviously IRL can't ask an older person about. But I've always wondered. What is it like to be older and know that you really don't have that much more time left to live? How do people deal with that emotionally and keep from being depressed? I realize there probably aren't too many 70+ people on DCUM to answer this question, but even for people in their 50's, realistically most of them are aware that they probably don't have more than 30 years left, and that's really not that much time. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but honestly, how do people deal with that?

[Anonymous]

How do you know that you do have more than 30 years left? We’re all on borrowed time here. The same way you tell yourself that you won’t die in five years in your 30s/40s is the same mechanism that they’re using.

[Anonymous]

My dad is 80. My mom 79. I think about this too. They both have had rough patches where they were angry about their age, typically when they have health issues. But I think they make a concerted effort to live for today. Enjoy the time they have with their family and friends.

In hindsight, I wish I had kids much younger than I did so I could also spend time with any grandchildren that I may be blessed with.

[Anonymous]

By putting greater value on the things that matter. That's how you deal with impending mortality.

Like not wasting time with people who aren't worthy of your time. Or thinking that your work/career is of utmost importance. That your children may or may not have turned into people you are proud of, despite all your best efforts (and mistakes) in parenting.

The circle of life starts turning back to what was important when you were a child but it's better because you have autonomy and if you are lucky, money to be comfortable and do the things you want.

You take time to find nature more amazing. You stay away from mean people. You take joy in simple things like a cool drink on a hot day. You enjoy time with good friends. You look for ways to find wonder in life.

Most importantly, you make sure that you have no regrets about how you spend your time, whatever time you have left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By putting greater value on the things that matter. That's how you deal with impending mortality.

Like not wasting time with people who aren't worthy of your time. Or thinking that your work/career is of utmost importance. That your children may or may not have turned into people you are proud of, despite all your best efforts (and mistakes) in parenting.

The circle of life starts turning back to what was important when you were a child but it's better because you have autonomy and if you are lucky, money to be comfortable and do the things you want.

You take time to find nature more amazing. You stay away from mean people. You take joy in simple things like a cool drink on a hot day. You enjoy time with good friends. You look for ways to find wonder in life.

Most importantly, you make sure that you have no regrets about how you spend your time, whatever time you have left.

This is beautiful. Thank you for this post. NP.

[Anonymous]

Statistically the younger you are the more time you have left, but in any given life - it could end tomorrow. The wise person, of whatever age, focuses on today, doesn’t waste time on jealousy or rumination, is grateful for what s/he has, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By putting greater value on the things that matter. That's how you deal with impending mortality.

Like not wasting time with people who aren't worthy of your time. Or thinking that your work/career is of utmost importance. That your children may or may not have turned into people you are proud of, despite all your best efforts (and mistakes) in parenting.

The circle of life starts turning back to what was important when you were a child but it's better because you have autonomy and if you are lucky, money to be comfortable and do the things you want.

You take time to find nature more amazing. You stay away from mean people. You take joy in simple things like a cool drink on a hot day. You enjoy time with good friends. You look for ways to find wonder in life.

Most importantly, you make sure that you have no regrets about how you spend your time, whatever time you have left.

Yes, yes.

Facing the likelihood of more limitations on your time is permission to be more careful, more choosy, more directed and intent. It is amazing! This is what you earn by putting in the time. When you have all the time in the world (or seem to, at least), of course people expect you to put up with bullshit. It's just a few hours of your week, or your day, or just another wasted minute when you have so many. But ah, now -- "I don't have time for that nonsense."

You have had -- and hopefully used -- the chance to really understand what is important to you, and what things you can do that will really make a difference, and just overall how the world works. It's like being at a higher level in a video game, instead of beginning again and having to upgrade your footwear. There is joy in doing things well, whether it's navigating relationships, or being creative, or what have you. Experience and skill are their own rewards.

You know who you are. You really, really do. You aren't trying to change yourself anymore. So what if you can't carry a tune, or have an inordinate love of puns, or dance like Elaine from Seinfeld? It is what it is. All the frustration of feeling you are expected to/have to change yourself melts away, and you can just be.

You likely have more resources than you did when younger. And if you don't, you can make the choice to be happy with what you have. You're not being pressured to get the suburban McMansion.

You hopefully have a world of memories and accomplishments. You can be really proud of what you have done that worked out well. You hear a lot about how praiseworthy potential is, but that comes with a LOT of pressure. Smart kids that flame out at university when everyone expected them to shine are often terribly depressed. But whatever you did, you have already done -- and that can be tremendously satisfying.

Life does not present itself with only one interpretation. As you get older, seek out people that are older and are happy -- that you feel good around. Listen to them. It can be something really quite delightful for you to look forward to enjoying yourself.

[Anonymous]

From the 95 plus year olds I've known:

Laughter, volunteering, staying connected, having friends over

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? Do you have kids? I started to think about this when I had kids around age 40. I also always had a sense that you get one life to live even in my 20s and I accomplished some bucket list items very early on. Tomorrow is promised to no one. It's just that as you get older and have more life experiences and know more people you realize that yes that terrible thing can happen to you (death/disability/illness/death of a close person or friend etc).

[Anonymous]

My mom’s very religious. She seems quite at peace with the remaining time. She’s not in any rush to die —she takes coronavirus precautions very seriously. However, she just seems to relish every day life so much. These days, she’s living like an anchorite 3/4 of the day. But she makes time for an excellent dinner and FT with us. Seems like a decent way to wind down the years if you had a busy life before.

[Anonymous]

I've had time to come to terms, since I was your age, the only difference is its real now so I make sure I clean up after myself financially and physically.

[Anonymous]

8:43, thank you for your beautiful and insightful comments.

[Anonymous]

I’m 50, so I realize that I probably have more years behind me than ahead of me. I know that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, but that’s true of anyone at any age. We’re all dying from the moment we’re born.

I think as people age, they gain a greater appreciation of simple pleasures and let go of competition and petty grievances. Faith also helps - the feeling that our lives aren’t just a random quirk of nature and that “life” in some form continues after our earthly death and we are here, right now, in this time and place, for a reason.

[Anonymous]

O.k., I'm not old because I'm only mid 50's. But I am aware that I'm no spring chicken anymore.

For me, death still seems pretty far away. But the work of life - working to get ahead and earn a decent living, struggling to save for a down payment on our first home, raising children and worrying about making sure that they would be provided for no matter what happened, saving for retirement...all of that is largely done. Yes, our teenagers still need guidance from us and they are still reliant on us. But certainly within the next 5 years or so they'll likely be launched or preparing to launch. Even if they are still under our roof, they will be working and contributing members of our household rather than having to be watched/supervised kids.

At this point, the struggle is over and tomorrow has been planned for as carefully as we could and to the best of our ability. Retirement is now not that far away. We won't be rich but if we're careful we should be o.k. in retirement and that is good to know.

I guess you could say that the pressure is off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically the younger you are the more time you have left, but in any given life - it could end tomorrow. The wise person, of whatever age, focuses on today, doesn’t waste time on jealousy or rumination, is grateful for what s/he has, etc.

This. I hate knowing it's all going to end in a few years but then I remind myself that it could have ended at any time in my youth or middle age. Life is impermanent and changes. I have no choice but to accept it and go with the flow. Buddhism makes more and more sense to me the older I get.