Comparing Grandchildren
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Anonymous
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My in-laws are always comparing my daughter ("E") and my niece (we'll call her "K") as well as me and my sister-in-law. I know that these comparisons are normal and inevitable as they are both girls - and only seven weeks apart - and I am the same age as my sister-in-law, but I feel that these comments are always somewhat slanted in favor of my niece and sister-in-law/dismissive of my daughter. I'm always caught off guard by these comments and I never know how to respond, but I'm also becoming annoyed and really can't imagine having to deal with this for years to come! My husband doesn't seem bothered by these comparisons and chalks it up to "blind spots." I would welcome suggestions on how to handle these situations in the future.
Some examples: -When we told my in-laws that my daughter started walking the response that I received from my MIL was "Yes, K was over at our house recently...She would be walking too, except she crawls so quickly she doesn't need to walk." What? What about "that's great." I feel like every milestone my daughter has reached - even something like saying "mama" before seven months - has been met with some bizarre response from my in-laws about her cousin ("Oh, K is sleeping through the night"). My daughter sleeping through the night at 13 weeks ("K pulled my hair last night"). My daughter pointing at 8 month ("K likes pumpkin..."). We don't speak to my in-laws often, so when we do, we end up sort of naturally doing a "milestone dump" of what our daughter has done recently. This then prompts them to make bizarre and unnecessary comparisons between E and my niece whereby my niece is amazing and whatever my daughter did is dismissed. I am getting so put off by these conversations that I want to stop providing updates on what my daughter is doing (even though I don't think that's realistic as it's normal for grandparents to ask what's new). -My mother-in-law constantly talks about how my SIL and K look exactly alike (aside from having the same hair and eye color, I don't see it). My daughter and I also have the same hair and eye color, but my MIL has gone out of her way during the first year of my daughter's life to tell me that I look nothing like my daughter. She has said this to me, to my family, to her cleaning woman, and to my husband's family - basically to anyone who will listen. Her cleaning woman actually questioned multiple times if "I was the mother" after my MIL made a huge deal out of it to her while I awkwardly stood next to them. You might be wondering if we are the same race and/or ethnicity. We are. Not once has my MIL asked me if my daughter looked like me as a baby (how many babies resemble 31 year old women?). I would find her telling me I look nothing like my daughter annoying under normal circumstances, but for her to always say this while at the same time saying that my SIL looks just like my niece feels very pointed. Does anyone have any suggestions? My MIL has done a number of very passive aggressive and bizarre things since my husband I got engaged (that's when it began to come out!), but this comparison stuff has come out of left field and is making me reluctant to spend time with his family as I always bite my tongue in their presence and then get upset once we are at home. |
Anonymous
| She has no interest in your kid. Stop pushing it. |
Anonymous
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Stop telling her about your daughter. Problem solved.
If she brings up you and your daughter look nothing alike tell her "Yes, because she's adopted/illegitimate" to shut her up. |
Anonymous
| Call her on it and tell her you find it offensive. She may not even realize she is doing this. |
Anonymous
| Just stop giving your MIL information. When MIL asks about “E”, simply respond, “She’s great and growing everyday”. Keep it vague and change the subject. |
Anonymous
+1. Sad but true. She seems like the kind of woman who puts others down in order to prop her and her daughter up. Don’t give her any information. Eventually, when she wants to compare the two girls and can’t because she doesn’t have the necessary information about your daughter, it’ll drive her nuts. |
Anonymous
| Is SIL the daughter of MIL? If so, that would explain why she's playing favorites, though it obviously doesn't make it okay. |
Anonymous
This. It is the rare, highly self-aware, empathetic and open elder who can handle being called on their shit. Keep things cordial and don't look to her for kudos. When she compares detach and don't take personally. Change the subject if needed or make an excuse to go if it bothers you too much. You cannot change someone set in their ways, but you can change how you respond. |
Anonymous
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You have to say “mom, I really just want to talk to you about my family. I know you have other grandchildren, but it seems like whenever I mention E, you talk about K. I’d rather us just mainly talk about my family when we talk, and to not compare.”
My parents do this too, because my kids are the same age as mine, but they live in the same town and I live 6 hours away with my family. In part, they feel guilty because they see her family more often. Also, my sister says they are always talking to her about my kids and comparing! We have a problem with comparing and talking behind everyone’s back in our family. I find it best to call it out, at least one time, and to say, yes it’s great about Larla’s kids, but I’d rather we focus on my kids and not compare the cousins/grandkids. My parents needed it pointed out to them for them to cut back on this. |
Anonymous
| Actually since it’s your in-laws, I would have DH do this. Regardless, realize they’re probably always going to do this. Insome families it’s because of birth order, like the second son’s kids are never as hot shit as the first son’s |
Anonymous
+1 Stop handling these conversations. Your husband talks to his parents. If she asks directly about your daughter, just say something vague and positive. |
Anonymous
| We have this exact same dynamic with my MIL (I’m her DIL and my SIL is her daughter). We each have two kids and each “set” is the exact same age (6 weeks apart for one set, and two weeks apart for the other!). It’s so annoying. I just keep things vague and respond politely with an “oh? How nice” when she responds to a requested update on my child with what the cousin is doing. My MIL also digs for information and then buys my niece and nephew literally everything that my kids have (their clothes, their toys, their playhouse, their paddling pool) and it drives me up a wall. My kids are even generally perceived to be more well-behaved than their cousins and I’m generally perceived to be the more competent and “better” mother (my SIL is a mess and my MIL basically runs her entire life and watches the kids full time, which is a whole other can of worms), but the entire dynamic still grates. I just want my kids to have some attention of their own from their grandmother. Just commiserating, OP! |
Anonymous
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She may be doing it to SIL too. DH and his friends grew up with a grandmother who was always comparing them to their 3 cousins. Once they were older and compared notes, they found out she was doing it to them too- but DH and his siblings were the ones being praised.
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Anonymous
This. Don't tell her about milestones. I suspect you are doing this because you are excited and proud (we all have been there!) of your first sweet amazing baby doing all the typical baby things. Your MIL probably just doesn't really care that much, and lacking something meaningful to say back resorts to discussing the other baby she sees. SO: stop telling her about mundane milestones, even if they feel like a big deal to you. Let your DH tell her, or let her ask. Otherwise like the PP said, keep is vague. Brag to your mom, your family or your friends about all the silly little things. Save your upset over this for bigger slights that may be down the road (like giving one kid a $200 gift at Xmas and your child a $20 one). These issues may stop when the kids are a bit older and have some personality to discuss. But holding back some info may just been good practice moving forward. |
Anonymous
One, I would just be vague, as has been suggested. But two, what this poster says. This is what happened with my grandmother. Drove my mom crazy. And later all the kids (my siblings and my cousins) learned that our grandmother was doing it to both sets of parents. Nothing to do about it, just be vague. Have your DH handle the calls if you can. |