Comparing Grandchildren

[Anonymous]

My brother in law does stuff like this and actively “markets” his children to my parents. Luckily, my parents don’t bite. Of course BIL loves and thinks his kids are the best and perfect. My parents agree AND love and believe ALL their grandkids are awesome. Makes it easier. It’s annoying that he wants to remind everyone how his kids are better- but it’s his insecurities. It’s sad that me and my siblings disengage with him a bit due to this style.

[Anonymous]

MIL does this, but it's particularly strange because her other grandson (our nephew) is seven years older than DS.

My mom does it, too, but that's because she's an oversharer who loves to sow discord.

In both cases, we greatly limit what we share.

[Anonymous]

I think the best approach would be to figure out how to let this kind of thing go. Can you try being forgiving of your MIL on this? Not because she deserves it, but because it's the best thing for you. You don't need to referee this, or seek justice. You can let it go.

[Anonymous]

I'd be less forthcoming with details of your DD's development. And if MIL does make a comparison, I'd say something like, "Oh, I hate to compare the girls. I want them each to be able to develop as an individual, without feeling like they're being measured up to their own cousin!" And then change the subject.

And I agree with a PP saying that sometimes these bragging grandparents are doing it with everyone. That might not be the case here, but it's always good to keep in mind that the problem is the person doing the comparing, and that the other family might also be innocents, having to listen to boasts about YOUR child!

[Anonymous]

Be vague and see if she questions it.

If not, let it go and be grateful you dodged an overbearing grandparent.

If she does ask, give her one detail about E. If she brings up K simply say, "Oh sorry, I thought you were asking me for info about E, not K."

[Anonymous]

Honestly, nothing in your description sounds bad. It feels like you're being overly sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Op, if a friend was discussing personal details of your family, you would pull back. If you didn't like what they were saying, you'd say less.

[Anonymous]

I think you're being oversensitive. Your MIL isn't comparing the children, she is only contributing to the conversation by adding in what she is familiar with. Everything isn't about you, you know.

[Anonymous]

If SIL is your MIL’s daughter then that explains it. If she’s married to the other son then MIL probably prefers him.

[Anonymous]

I just smile and say either “Think so?” for the comments that children look like DH’s family or “That’s nice.” for the achievements of other grandchildren. Share only what you want to and leave the rest for DH to manage.

[Anonymous]

It took me a very long time and a lot of therapy to stop needing my mother in law's (and mother's) feedback and approval. Eventually I just got tired of of trying to get something from people who really cannot give it. It is a hard won freedom and a real indicator of maturity when you stop needing validation. I wish that for you. Enjoy your beautiful family.

[Anonymous]

I'm further afield, OP and agree with PPs that you need to go gray rock (learned that term here) and not share these details. If DH wants to engage and share with his mother, fine, but you make an effort not to engage. At all.

Most DH don't overshare and tend not to be as hyperaware of these details.

The stakes get higher and more competitive! In my situation, my sainted SIL became BFFs (using that term because it fits) with my MIL. Shopping trips, daily phone conversations, elaborate babysitting and carpool arrangements, visits back and forth. MIL talked non stop to me about SIL and her children and every milestone and fun time, etc. Tons of comparisons, too - MIL enjoyed pointing out differences in our houses, personal styles, you know, very personal things.

Now, SIL is divorced from BIL and estranged from MIL. Now MIL still talks non stop about these grandchildren but couched in they are doing so well despite the divorce...

[Anonymous]

You're focusing on and sharing such tiny things! Pointing and even saying "mama" are NOT interesting to anyone but you. It's possible your mil just doesn't know how to respond to such things. Think of it as she's trying to have a conversation with you. In her mind, when you say your baby pointed at something, she's NOT thinking "ooooh, wowsers, congratulations," she's thinking "while we're on the subject of things babies do, I'll share something your niece did. " Maybe she thinks you find this stuff interesting.

[Anonymous]

Why are you talking to your in-laws? I learned early on my in-laws only cared about Dh and my kids. They don’t care about me at all so I don’t call and we don’t talk about me. I’m just the baby vessel. Also, my in-laws will always say my kids look like them even when they’re spitting images of me. All grandparents think that way. Basically in-laws are not your friend. Get compliments from your own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're focusing on and sharing such tiny things! Pointing and even saying "mama" are NOT interesting to anyone but you. It's possible your mil just doesn't know how to respond to such things. Think of it as she's trying to have a conversation with you. In her mind, when you say your baby pointed at something, she's NOT thinking "ooooh, wowsers, congratulations," she's thinking "while we're on the subject of things babies do, I'll share something your niece did. " Maybe she thinks you find this stuff interesting.

Very well said. She is just trying to make conversation with you and that is her contribution!