Good friend in group always social engineering?

[Anonymous]

Ignore or call out subtlety to friends to draw attention to?
Close friend in group plays a lot of “social engineering” games, example , inviting all 6 ladies to the beach except me. Another example, creating an activity for everyone but one person and making a big show about why that one person is excluded and being judgemental about that person’s marriage. I have strong friendships with everyone in the group. She is friends on the surface level with everyone and closest with me and one other person. It has nothing to do with her not liking me or having issues with any of the other people, it seems like a control thing more than anything and wanting to assert that she is the ringleader at all times. She doesn’t have many friends outside of the group and it sounds like a few falling outs have occurred with other people she got close to in the past like this. I’m a little fed up with the games but haven’t been in a situation like this in decades so not sure the best way to deal with someone like this without rocking the boat.

[Anonymous]

Is this a new reality housewives show?

[Anonymous]

These kind of antics always come to the surface eventually. Let it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These kind of antics always come to the surface eventually. Let it be.

Yah, I think you’re right. A few people have made comments that she is always in the middle of everything or gossiping about personal things shared, mostly relationship stuff.

[Anonymous]

She is a mean girl. Does anyone confront her? The next time she excludes someone, tell up her it’s not very nice and now you don’t want to do it either. Geez, grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a mean girl. Does anyone confront her? The next time she excludes someone, tell up her it’s not very nice and now you don’t want to do it either. Geez, grow a pair.

I’ll invite the person excluded. But no, no one has called her out. It’s sad to say but I think people put up with it bc they don’t want to be her personal target and she’s in the middle of everything. It’s a weird dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a mean girl. Does anyone confront her? The next time she excludes someone, tell up her it’s not very nice and now you don’t want to do it either. Geez, grow a pair.

I’ll invite the person excluded. But no, no one has called her out. It’s sad to say but I think people put up with it bc they don’t want to be her personal target and she’s in the middle of everything. It’s a weird dynamic.

I get this, I really do, as I was in the same scenario. What I can warn you now is that your other perceived “strong friendships” are not as strong as you think. Because if they go along with her to avoid being a target — which I get on one hand — they are also mean girl enablers and most of all, cowards. And trust me, that sheep behavior and coward behavior in the others will cause you problems for reasons totally outside of your relationship with the main chick. Good luck and I’m sorry — these circles always have a toxic implosion.

[Anonymous]

Serious question: Why are you friends with someone who is intentionally mean to others? What’s going on with your own self-esteem that you need to have someone like this as a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a mean girl. Does anyone confront her? The next time she excludes someone, tell up her it’s not very nice and now you don’t want to do it either. Geez, grow a pair.

I’ll invite the person excluded. But no, no one has called her out. It’s sad to say but I think people put up with it bc they don’t want to be her personal target and she’s in the middle of everything. It’s a weird dynamic.

I get this, I really do, as I was in the same scenario. What I can warn you now is that your other perceived “strong friendships” are not as strong as you think. Because if they go along with her to avoid being a target — which I get on one hand — they are also mean girl enablers and most of all, cowards. And trust me, that sheep behavior and coward behavior in the others will cause you problems for reasons totally outside of your relationship with the main chick. Good luck and I’m sorry — these circles always have a toxic implosion.

Good advice. I have a lot of other friend groups too. I’ve felt very much the same way that you do. I hate this kind of situation and feel it’s a matter of time before it does implode. No one else wants this picking sides drama either. A lot of people have reached out to do things with me outside of her and the group and have shared they don’t like her or what she is doing but I sense they are keeping it secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: Why are you friends with someone who is intentionally mean to others? What’s going on with your own self-esteem that you need to have someone like this as a friend?

I can’t speak for OP, but Ive been friendly with people at work and in the neighborhood, and not realized for months - in same cases years - that they were mean. Mean girls can be charming and outgoing and in my case, I didnt realize it until I was already entwined. People who are just openly mean and rude all the time are easier to spot. The ones who are nice at first and hide the ugly for awhile - harder to see and then harder to get away from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: Why are you friends with someone who is intentionally mean to others? What’s going on with your own self-esteem that you need to have someone like this as a friend?

I can’t speak for OP, but Ive been friendly with people at work and in the neighborhood, and not realized for months - in same cases years - that they were mean. Mean girls can be charming and outgoing and in my case, I didnt realize it until I was already entwined. People who are just openly mean and rude all the time are easier to spot. The ones who are nice at first and hide the ugly for awhile - harder to see and then harder to get away from.

OP here. this is my experience too. I haven’t made any effort since recognizing this. She actually did realize I backed off and asked to talk to me about it. I basically said I can’t have friends like this and need my friends to be no drama or I didn’t have time for it. It lasted a little while but I see that it will continue to be an issue. I think she just can’t help herself and if I had to guess she has always had issues with female friendships.

[Anonymous]

You have to find a way to make the "queen bee" friend useful and not put judgements on her actions. My "queen bee" friend basically excommunicated one in our group because of a fight and in my opinion she definitely was the one that was in the wrong, but I kept that to myself and I stayed out of the fight.

Sound like we are in high school. AMR?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to find a way to make the "queen bee" friend useful and not put judgements on her actions. My "queen bee" friend basically excommunicated one in our group because of a fight and in my opinion she definitely was the one that was in the wrong, but I kept that to myself and I stayed out of the fight.

Sound like we are in high school. AMR?

So you’re a manipulative user? Nice friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to find a way to make the "queen bee" friend useful and not put judgements on her actions. My "queen bee" friend basically excommunicated one in our group because of a fight and in my opinion she definitely was the one that was in the wrong, but I kept that to myself and I stayed out of the fight.

Sound like we are in high school. AMR?

What was the fight over?
I’m treading carefully because I don’t want to excommunicate anyone. I think for her, she just needs to be the planner and one organizing everything and gets threatened if anyone else takes on that role. Which is fine, but be civil and don’t try to make every social outing an opportunity to decide who you want to exclude. I can’t think of a situation where she hasn’t done this. I’m not talking about smaller outings of 2-3 people. I mean she hand picks one person to exclude,announces why and talks about it. . It’s not necessary. We all get along great and have always been a kind, supportive group of friends.

[Anonymous]

She’s not your “good friend” and this isn’t “social engineering,” it’s being mean to stir up drama and test the loyalty of the rest of the group. If there’s someone in the group you’re close to, do things with that person.