Good friend in group always social engineering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: Why are you friends with someone who is intentionally mean to others? What’s going on with your own self-esteem that you need to have someone like this as a friend?

I can’t speak for OP, but Ive been friendly with people at work and in the neighborhood, and not realized for months - in same cases years - that they were mean. Mean girls can be charming and outgoing and in my case, I didnt realize it until I was already entwined. People who are just openly mean and rude all the time are easier to spot. The ones who are nice at first and hide the ugly for awhile - harder to see and then harder to get away from.

OP here. this is my experience too. I haven’t made any effort since recognizing this. She actually did realize I backed off and asked to talk to me about it. I basically said I can’t have friends like this and need my friends to be no drama or I didn’t have time for it. It lasted a little while but I see that it will continue to be an issue. I think she just can’t help herself and if I had to guess she has always had issues with female friendships.

The ones who always have issues with other women are toxic. Look around at the people who always say they dislike someone in the group. Spoiler : it’s them.

[Anonymous]

If you are the excluded one, you aren't as close as you think

Find a better use for your time/energy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are the excluded one, you aren't as close as you think

Find a better use for your time/energy

You’re right. When I say close, I just mean she was initiating getting together several times a week with me and we talked often. So in my mind we were close but you’re right. Close friends don’t exclude each other in a situation similar to what happened. 1 out of a large group not invited. I’m also seeing now that we were never really friends. I was more of an acquaintance she kept around to get to know others. I’m a little more outgoing and had other friends she was interested in getting to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the excluded one, you aren't as close as you think

Find a better use for your time/energy

You’re right. When I say close, I just mean she was initiating getting together several times a week with me and we talked often. So in my mind we were close but you’re right. Close friends don’t exclude each other in a situation similar to what happened. 1 out of a large group not invited. I’m also seeing now that we were never really friends. I was more of an acquaintance she kept around to get to know others. I’m a little more outgoing and had other friends she was interested in getting to know.

Yeah, just get what you can out of the situation in terms of maybe having fun sometimes with the people if you don't have a better option that day, but don't count on them or go out of your way for them either

I know people that sometimes disappoint me, sometimes come by and hang out with the group. We can have some laughs together but I won't expect anything from them or consider them close friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the excluded one, you aren't as close as you think

Find a better use for your time/energy

You’re right. When I say close, I just mean she was initiating getting together several times a week with me and we talked often. So in my mind we were close but you’re right. Close friends don’t exclude each other in a situation similar to what happened. 1 out of a large group not invited. I’m also seeing now that we were never really friends. I was more of an acquaintance she kept around to get to know others. I’m a little more outgoing and had other friends she was interested in getting to know.

Yeah, just get what you can out of the situation in terms of maybe having fun sometimes with the people if you don't have a better option that day, but don't count on them or go out of your way for them either

I know people that sometimes disappoint me, sometimes come by and hang out with the group. We can have some laughs together but I won't expect anything from them or consider them close friends

Well the problem isn’t the group. It’s her. I don’t understand people like that but it’s your typical type A wants to be the leader of everything type of person. I think I just need to ignore and do what I want to do and not let her influence me. I made some plans with friends in the group who I have been friends with for years. I’ll be polite to her but there’s no point putting any effort into a fake friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the excluded one, you aren't as close as you think

Find a better use for your time/energy

You’re right. When I say close, I just mean she was initiating getting together several times a week with me and we talked often. So in my mind we were close but you’re right. Close friends don’t exclude each other in a situation similar to what happened. 1 out of a large group not invited. I’m also seeing now that we were never really friends. I was more of an acquaintance she kept around to get to know others. I’m a little more outgoing and had other friends she was interested in getting to know.

Yeah, just get what you can out of the situation in terms of maybe having fun sometimes with the people if you don't have a better option that day, but don't count on them or go out of your way for them either

I know people that sometimes disappoint me, sometimes come by and hang out with the group. We can have some laughs together but I won't expect anything from them or consider them close friends

Well the problem isn’t the group. It’s her. I don’t understand people like that but it’s your typical type A wants to be the leader of everything type of person. I think I just need to ignore and do what I want to do and not let her influence me. I made some plans with friends in the group who I have been friends with for years. I’ll be polite to her but there’s no point putting any effort into a fake friendship.

Just to be clear - did someone else invite you after you were excluded? Or they all did the plan without you? If the latter, I'd be more worried

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my bunko group. Lol! I have been it for twenty years and there is only four of us that have been in it from the beginning. Over the years we have had different ladies join and leave. It's always interesting the dynamics that a company some of the different members who join. I have always embraces new members and been quite comfortable for many years. The past 7-8 years, that changed for me. Unfortunately we have acquired a Queen B among us. She at any given time has issues with one member to target her toxisicty at. The targets are people she is threatened by. She is so kind and warm to the more homely ones in the group . She is obsessed with her looks, is extremely narcissistic . Her targets are always the pretty, skinny unsuspecting ones. She is so warm and nice if you are overweight, and not attractive . I am not making this up. She will pick on the pretty ones and try to find any fault she can to single them out. The sad thing, not one person has stood up to her and called her out.
I lost a lot of weight two years ago and I became one of her targets. She is just so rude! It's time to leave this group. I dread going to my monthly bunko. It was such a warm, close group. We were there for each other through so much. I will continue to be friends with the few I still want to be around. I am amazed at how certain members worship her. She is feeding their egos to be her flying monkeys. The minute she is threatened by them, she will turn on them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the excluded one, you aren't as close as you think

Find a better use for your time/energy

You’re right. When I say close, I just mean she was initiating getting together several times a week with me and we talked often. So in my mind we were close but you’re right. Close friends don’t exclude each other in a situation similar to what happened. 1 out of a large group not invited. I’m also seeing now that we were never really friends. I was more of an acquaintance she kept around to get to know others. I’m a little more outgoing and had other friends she was interested in getting to know.

Yeah, just get what you can out of the situation in terms of maybe having fun sometimes with the people if you don't have a better option that day, but don't count on them or go out of your way for them either

I know people that sometimes disappoint me, sometimes come by and hang out with the group. We can have some laughs together but I won't expect anything from them or consider them close friends

Yes they did. But it was awkward due to her organizing it. More awkward bc they were people she had met once or twice and friends of mine for years. People had assumed she invited me bc she lied about it.

Well the problem isn’t the group. It’s her. I don’t understand people like that but it’s your typical type A wants to be the leader of everything type of person. I think I just need to ignore and do what I want to do and not let her influence me. I made some plans with friends in the group who I have been friends with for years. I’ll be polite to her but there’s no point putting any effort into a fake friendship.

Just to be clear - did someone else invite you after you were excluded? Or they all did the plan without you? If the latter, I'd be more worried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my bunko group. Lol! I have been it for twenty years and there is only four of us that have been in it from the beginning. Over the years we have had different ladies join and leave. It's always interesting the dynamics that a company some of the different members who join. I have always embraces new members and been quite comfortable for many years. The past 7-8 years, that changed for me. Unfortunately we have acquired a Queen B among us. She at any given time has issues with one member to target her toxisicty at. The targets are people she is threatened by. She is so kind and warm to the more homely ones in the group . She is obsessed with her looks, is extremely narcissistic . Her targets are always the pretty, skinny unsuspecting ones. She is so warm and nice if you are overweight, and not attractive . I am not making this up. She will pick on the pretty ones and try to find any fault she can to single them out. The sad thing, not one person has stood up to her and called her out.
I lost a lot of weight two years ago and I became one of her targets. She is just so rude! It's time to leave this group. I dread going to my monthly bunko. It was such a warm, close group. We were there for each other through so much. I will continue to be friends with the few I still want to be around. I am amazed at how certain members worship her. She is feeding their egos to be her flying monkeys. The minute she is threatened by them, she will turn on them too.

Yes this is her. Not necessarily because I’m skinny or anything, just because I was friends with the others. I never saw it as an issue and wanted everyone to be friends but with someone like this they need to be at the center of things. It’s been so hard to accept because I feel like I should have seen it coming and kept her at a distance. Anyone who shares they have no female friends because others were intimidated by them is a major red flag. lol.

[Anonymous]

Honey you are already in this too deep and overthinking. Been there done that — throw your energy into other friendships totally outside of this group asap. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the excluded one, you aren't as close as you think

Find a better use for your time/energy

You’re right. When I say close, I just mean she was initiating getting together several times a week with me and we talked often. So in my mind we were close but you’re right. Close friends don’t exclude each other in a situation similar to what happened. 1 out of a large group not invited. I’m also seeing now that we were never really friends. I was more of an acquaintance she kept around to get to know others. I’m a little more outgoing and had other friends she was interested in getting to know.

Yeah, just get what you can out of the situation in terms of maybe having fun sometimes with the people if you don't have a better option that day, but don't count on them or go out of your way for them either

I know people that sometimes disappoint me, sometimes come by and hang out with the group. We can have some laughs together but I won't expect anything from them or consider them close friends

Yes they did. But it was awkward due to her organizing it. More awkward bc they were people she had met once or twice and friends of mine for years. People had assumed she invited me bc she lied about it.

Well the problem isn’t the group. It’s her. I don’t understand people like that but it’s your typical type A wants to be the leader of everything type of person. I think I just need to ignore and do what I want to do and not let her influence me. I made some plans with friends in the group who I have been friends with for years. I’ll be polite to her but there’s no point putting any effort into a fake friendship.

Just to be clear - did someone else invite you after you were excluded? Or they all did the plan without you? If the latter, I'd be more worried

That's good you were invited

Seems like it was a mistake to invite her to join your group of longtime friends and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore or call out subtlety to friends to draw attention to?
Close friend in group plays a lot of “social engineering” games, example , inviting all 6 ladies to the beach except me. Another example, creating an activity for everyone but one person and making a big show about why that one person is excluded and being judgemental about that person’s marriage. I have strong friendships with everyone in the group. She is friends on the surface level with everyone and closest with me and one other person. It has nothing to do with her not liking me or having issues with any of the other people, it seems like a control thing more than anything and wanting to assert that she is the ringleader at all times. She doesn’t have many friends outside of the group and it sounds like a few falling outs have occurred with other people she got close to in the past like this. I’m a little fed up with the games but haven’t been in a situation like this in decades so not sure the best way to deal with someone like this without rocking the boat.

She invites everyone but you to the beach and you two are the closest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to find a way to make the "queen bee" friend useful and not put judgements on her actions. My "queen bee" friend basically excommunicated one in our group because of a fight and in my opinion she definitely was the one that was in the wrong, but I kept that to myself and I stayed out of the fight.

Sound like we are in high school. AMR?

Yes, but so how have you made her useful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to find a way to make the "queen bee" friend useful and not put judgements on her actions. My "queen bee" friend basically excommunicated one in our group because of a fight and in my opinion she definitely was the one that was in the wrong, but I kept that to myself and I stayed out of the fight.

Sound like we are in high school. AMR?

What was the fight over?
I’m treading carefully because I don’t want to excommunicate anyone. I think for her, she just needs to be the planner and one organizing everything and gets threatened if anyone else takes on that role. Which is fine, but be civil and don’t try to make every social outing an opportunity to decide who you want to exclude. I can’t think of a situation where she hasn’t done this. I’m not talking about smaller outings of 2-3 people. I mean she hand picks one person to exclude,announces why and talks about it. . It’s not necessary. We all get along great and have always been a kind, supportive group of friends.

So, I’m curious, what are some of the reasons she gives for excluding that one person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the excluded one, you aren't as close as you think

Find a better use for your time/energy

You’re right. When I say close, I just mean she was initiating getting together several times a week with me and we talked often. So in my mind we were close but you’re right. Close friends don’t exclude each other in a situation similar to what happened. 1 out of a large group not invited. I’m also seeing now that we were never really friends. I was more of an acquaintance she kept around to get to know others. I’m a little more outgoing and had other friends she was interested in getting to know.

Getting together several times a week? We’re you coworkers? Was it a lunch thing?That seems like a LOT for regular friends.