Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?

[Anonymous]

In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?

[Anonymous]

I’d tell my daughters to pick a better husband. Mine does more than 50% of the housework, hands down.

I am not telling my own children to wait until marriage for sex though. I dealt with so much sexual guilt and stress and it has really screwed up our love life (DH came from the same kind of household, so we have it from both sides)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my daughters to pick a better husband. Mine does more than 50% of the housework, hands down.

I am not telling my own children to wait until marriage for sex though. I dealt with so much sexual guilt and stress and it has really screwed up our love life (DH came from the same kind of household, so we have it from both sides)

Curious...does he take on 50% of the mental load as well...like scheduling Dentist appointments, arranging play dates, purchasing Birthday presents, planning and decorating for Holidays, signing kids up for soccer, shopping for their clothes....does he do these without direction? If so, you have a Unicorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?

Tell them that being a single woman is a fi e choice, not like I. Our day when being an old maid was the worse thing you could be. It isnt.

If they marry pick a man who is not like your dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my daughters to pick a better husband. Mine does more than 50% of the housework, hands down.

I am not telling my own children to wait until marriage for sex though. I dealt with so much sexual guilt and stress and it has really screwed up our love life (DH came from the same kind of household, so we have it from both sides)

Curious...does he take on 50% of the mental load as well...like scheduling Dentist appointments, arranging play dates, purchasing Birthday presents, planning and decorating for Holidays, signing kids up for soccer, shopping for their clothes....does he do these without direction? If so, you have a Unicorn.

Dp. I think us women who need to do less because it does not matter. Dental appointments and well visits are but honestly that didnt occupy too much of my brain power. The other stuff you mention? Planning and decorating for holidays, signing up kids for too much busyness? Scale it back ladies!

[Anonymous]

To answer your question OP: I am not preparing them for this. I will let them find their own way and they will have to balance work-family demands. Advice from me really won't come into play.

I am a SAHM. I do encourage them to be self-supporting. And that's about all.

One my daughters will likely truly enjoy taking care of house matters: she loves decorating and cooking and making things nice and organized. Very Martha Stewart-y.

My other DD is far more easy-going and really doesn't put her head toward those matters. She and her DH will likely have a more balanced marriage.

But, really who the F knows, lol.

[Anonymous]

I will teach my daughter to never be without her own money. If you have money (or earning power) you have options. I will never be a SAHP because I have seen how a spouse can ruin the family finances without others even knowing.

I hope DD will find a spouse who carries half or more of the household burden, but I know from experience that doesn't always work out -- even when you believe it's an important trait in a spouse. Again, if you have money you have options -- to hire out chores, or to leave.

That said, I think it's important to "work to live, not live to work." I was a driven career woman and then when I wanted kids, I found I had created a life in which it was very difficult to find time, difficult to move to be near to family, etc. I was able to retool my career, but I wish I had built in the assumption I would have children and want to be near my parents. I wish I'd had kids a bit earlier, too. I will tell her so, when she's older.

[Anonymous]

OP here - to be clear my DH does help around the house but keeping it running falls on me if that makes sense. For example, meal planning. Our housekeeper/nanny shops and
cooks but for years I have to the one that prepares the list (luckily she now largely took this on herself). Or, keeping track of the school calendar and knowing tomorrow is PJ day. This sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

I was raised to marry a guy with money. Turned out horribly.

Raising my DD to take care of herself and not put up with shit from anybody. Also to not *need* a man. My mom always needed a man around, we were always getting dragged to random dudes’ houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to be clear my DH does help around the house but keeping it running falls on me if that makes sense. For example, meal planning. Our housekeeper/nanny shops and
cooks but for years I have to the one that prepares the list (luckily she now largely took this on herself). Or, keeping track of the school calendar and knowing tomorrow is PJ day. This sort of thing.

I am the pp who mentioned "do less" pj day is a perfect example. It just isnt important. Start delegating this silly stuff to the kids. If it matters to them they will remember pj day and if not it isnt important. Since you have boys this would help them learn it isnt a woman's responsibility to do that sort of stuff. Then when married they wont expect spouse to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my daughters to pick a better husband. Mine does more than 50% of the housework, hands down.

I am not telling my own children to wait until marriage for sex though. I dealt with so much sexual guilt and stress and it has really screwed up our love life (DH came from the same kind of household, so we have it from both sides)

Curious...does he take on 50% of the mental load as well...like scheduling Dentist appointments, arranging play dates, purchasing Birthday presents, planning and decorating for Holidays, signing kids up for soccer, shopping for their clothes....does he do these without direction? If so, you have a Unicorn.

He does all medical appointments, therapies, etc because he has the flexible schedule. I can’t do them. He schedules and attends.
Play dates I do, because my kids are young enough I still stick around and the moms are my friends.
Birthday presents and holidays and clothes I LIkE to prep for. He doesn’t do it because I don’t want him to. That’s fun for me.
Sports he does logistics for, but I register. We both attend games, but he does all practices.

He’s the doer, I’m the planner. It’s a fair split imo. If I wasn’t happy I’d tell him. I haven’t done laundry or dishes in years because he does them (without reminders) and that’s worth signing up for 10,000 sports leagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to be clear my DH does help around the house but keeping it running falls on me if that makes sense. For example, meal planning. Our housekeeper/nanny shops and
cooks but for years I have to the one that prepares the list (luckily she now largely took this on herself). Or, keeping track of the school calendar and knowing tomorrow is PJ day. This sort of thing.

Oof. There’s got to be more to this. You have a housekeeper/nanny and are still feeling overwhelmed with the workload?

I agree with the person who said to let go. Are the kids happy, healthy, and kind? Great, then it’s okay to skip a birthday or not bring a present or wear jeans on pajama day. I am type A and trend toward controlling, so I had to learn to step back and let my kids and husband define their own priorities. It has alleviated a lot of stress.

[Anonymous]

I have daughters. I hesitated getting married because the first fight I had with my ex-DH at 4 months of dating is that his future wife had to earn 100k a year. I was appalled. I said I would never have his kids.

I overlooked the argument. Biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward pressured me into pregnancy. Could not get out easily. Second accident kid a few years later.

A crappy 10-year marriage and he did marry me for my earning power. 100% But he also expected me to follow him (and I did) to the detriment of my own career and be a WOH mom and a SAM in one person. Misery.

I have already told my daughters they do not have to get married. They do not have to have kids. It is their choice. I just want them to be happy. They are not old enough to date so I do not have advice on choosing a husband but I could say some things. But mostly, my advice would be "don't do it." I do not see any advantage for women nowadays if they woman works outside the home. None.

I am

[Anonymous]

oh Op, you again

[Anonymous]

My parents encouraged college only as a means to get an Mrs (and didn’t pay for their girls to go to college but did pay for my brothers). I married for love and not money so I’m working and happen to be the primary breadwinner in the family. Honestly, extremely few women get the chance to both have the lifestyle they want, the partnership and love they want, and to stay at home. Encourage your girls to pursue their own happiness and let the rest fall into place.