Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This responses are at odds with the woman who is a PhD being told that men don’t care that she is.

The MEN were all saying that they don't care about a woman having a career as they just wanted someone who would take care of them ie it's all to benefit the man and sounds a little misogynist.

Having a career, getting a degree has nothing to do with men. It's about a woman developing her own life, being self sufficient. It gives more choice to a woman. Its beneficial for the woman.

I think women would do better if they stopped thinking about what attracts a man and just be themselves . She will meet someone along the way that is compatible with her lifestyle, values and morals.

The funny thing is if a woman lives to enjoy her life she will be more attractive anyway because she will be happy with where she is at. The few women I know with a PHD have supportive husbands who are proud of their achievements, specifically bringing up the latest published paper to celebrate their wife's success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?

Just want to point out that I'm not that much younger than you - nearly 40 - but in my circle, all the women work and all the husbands are incredibly proud of their achievements. My husband is an equal contributor to the household - there's nothing I do that he won't or can't. And the girls I went to school with who were beautiful and well maintained but slacked off? They're working in food service, waiting tables and bartending - nothing wrong with hard work, but they aren't SAHMs living in luxury. We plan our vacations together. Your experience isn't the norm for everyone and may or may not apply to your daughters, depending on where they decide to live and what they do with their lives.

That's just not true. No need to diminish these beautiful women to make yourself feel better. Many of them used their looks to marry well and have easy lives now.

I relate to OP and feel like a fool working so hard at education and career. Now I'm in poor health but I have to work because I earn half the HHI and I wish I had looked for a high earning guy back when I was young, single, healthy, and gorgeous. I had lots of opportunities but I was just too naive to weigh income at all. I was a feminist and wanted to work, not really understanding what it would be like to have kids and two parents with full-time careers. I think it's rare to find a man who truly does 50% of the non-career work, so it's better to marry a high earner and just not work and pay for any support you need. I don't want to hear women chiming in that their husbands do 50%+; I've seen enough to know it's rare. Even if a man does half the home and kids work, it's so much easier to just have one partner not work and handle the lion's share. I now believe that the adage that it's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man is true. I have daughters and will absolutely teach them to get a good education and ensure they can support themselves, but also look for an easier life and partner who can support them if they want to stay home with the kids.

Go ahead and flame away. My 20-something year old self would have taken umbrage at my comments too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?

Just want to point out that I'm not that much younger than you - nearly 40 - but in my circle, all the women work and all the husbands are incredibly proud of their achievements. My husband is an equal contributor to the household - there's nothing I do that he won't or can't. And the girls I went to school with who were beautiful and well maintained but slacked off? They're working in food service, waiting tables and bartending - nothing wrong with hard work, but they aren't SAHMs living in luxury. We plan our vacations together. Your experience isn't the norm for everyone and may or may not apply to your daughters, depending on where they decide to live and what they do with their lives.

That's just not true. No need to diminish these beautiful women to make yourself feel better. Many of them used their looks to marry well and have easy lives now.

I relate to OP and feel like a fool working so hard at education and career. Now I'm in poor health but I have to work because I earn half the HHI and I wish I had looked for a high earning guy back when I was young, single, healthy, and gorgeous. I had lots of opportunities but I was just too naive to weigh income at all. I was a feminist and wanted to work, not really understanding what it would be like to have kids and two parents with full-time careers. I think it's rare to find a man who truly does 50% of the non-career work, so it's better to marry a high earner and just not work and pay for any support you need. I don't want to hear women chiming in that their husbands do 50%+; I've seen enough to know it's rare. Even if a man does half the home and kids work, it's so much easier to just have one partner not work and handle the lion's share. I now believe that the adage that it's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man is true. I have daughters and will absolutely teach them to get a good education and ensure they can support themselves, but also look for an easier life and partner who can support them if they want to stay home with the kids.

Go ahead and flame away. My 20-something year old self would have taken umbrage at my comments too.

So one thing I will agree with you is that most men don't do 50/50. I think some men come closer to it then others but true 50/50 is rare. In this scenario, women will always be the ones who will need to adjust for their family/kids and so will be in a disadvantageous position relative to men.

I do disagree that you need to marry a man who can provide a good living. My daughters hopefully marry a man who will have a good career but also will be a true partner in spheres of married life. Hopefully, they will continue to work in order to remain independent and not stay at home to raise kids (obviously this is my hope but ultimately it's their decision). So many men go through mid-life crisis or divorce because they want to marry a younger woman after kids leave for college etc. Why put your fate in the hands of a man. That's jeopardizing your and kids future if you do that.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised no one has mentioned temperament of the kids in question. I will try to help my daughter make choices that take her personality and temperament into account. Being prepared to support yourself is essential, but past that lowish bar, there are lot’s of equally viable ways to organize your career and relationship life. Surely picking the one that suits you best personally is better than whatever cookie cutter recommendation your parents pushed on you, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised no one has mentioned temperament of the kids in question. I will try to help my daughter make choices that take her personality and temperament into account. Being prepared to support yourself is essential, but past that lowish bar, there are lot’s of equally viable ways to organize your career and relationship life. Surely picking the one that suits you best personally is better than whatever cookie cutter recommendation your parents pushed on you, no?

100 percent. I always encourage my kids to find what they like and what they are good at. The "everyone should be a doctor or a lawyer" plan turned out to be a little stupid (I am a lawyer). I also think some careers are more family friendly, and they should consider what all they want to get out of life as they move through it. No one ever suggested that to me, and I ended up basically dropping out of a prestigious career because BigLaw and family are incompatible for many women who don't like pretending that they don't have children.

[Anonymous]

I will stress the importance of finding someone from a nice family with parents who are still married and, if possible, Catholic. My husband grew up in a really chaotic family home, and most of his images of a “normal” family life come from television sitcoms where homes are always immaculate even though no one is ever cleaning, and kids just completely disappear when they aren’t convenient. He is committed to our marriage and family life, but he just doesn’t understand why our household doesn’t run the way it “ought” to run, and why it seems like so much work.
The catholic thing isn’t a huge deal, but it just makes some things easier if you both grew up with the same culture/religion.