Husband did not acknowledge Mother's Day for me, but did for his own mom

[Anonymous]

My husband and kids did not acknowledge Mother's Day at all yesterday. Not a homemade card, not a flower from the garden, nothing. My kids are 3 and 6 so I don't expect them to remember on their own of course. It's all on my husband. And Saturday he spent 2 hours with them doing arts and crafts--they made all sorts of projects, just nothing for me.

What really upset me is that he spent a lot of time planning a special Mother's Day surprise for his own mother (who lives in a different state), and had the kids participate on a Skype call with her Sunday. So it's not like he was oblivious to the holiday.

Yesterday evening I told him how upset I was, and how much it hurt my feelings that he spent all this time planning the perfect Mother's Day surprise for his own mother but I got nothing. I told him to accept responsibility for this instead of getting defensive as he was.

I am really hurt and feel very unappreciated.

[Anonymous]

so go on strike--let him handle the kids, whatever part of the day you hate. Or ignore fathers day. Or just accept what you can't change. It truly is a made up holiday, though I can see why you're upset when he went all out for his mom and didn't even have the kids scribble on a piece of paper and pass it off as a card.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. That seriously sucks.

[Anonymous]

All holidays are made up. Nothing wrong with how you feel OP. What else is going on? What he did to you was downright mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All holidays are made up. Nothing wrong with how you feel OP. What else is going on? What he did to you was downright mean.

OP here. Nothing else is going on. We've been married 15 years, 2 kids. He's never been the thoughtful type in general, and normally we go out for a nice brunch for Mother's Day but of course we could not do that this year since we are stuck at home. And I wouldn't have minded so much that he didn't do anything for me except for the fact that he spent so much time and thought into the gift for his mother.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is relatively common, is very weird, and is not going to change.

While your kids are young you need to decide if you want this to be an issue every single year, or if you want to just ask the kids to make you a card and you can get your own gift (doesn't have to be awkward...remind them/help them make one for a grandma and also remind them to make one for you).

My husband is weird as hell about Hallmark holidays, and it irks me and is pretty hurtful (especially since I've explained what/how/why I like a small gesture). He just digs in deeper every time I raise the issue, so I no longer do. He also doesn't get anything for his own mom, or sends something weird like 2 weeks late, and I know that she is crushed repeatedly because gifts are very VERY important to her. He freaks out if I try to step in and send her something (so I sent her chocolate "for no reason" two weeks ago).

Yesterday my 11 year old made me a card and picked like 5 wildflowers from the yard (literally, at the flower base...no stem whatsoever). He also ordered me a gift on Amazon with his own money, which is adorable, and even though it won't be here for a while I appreciate that my child is now old enough to just figure it out on his own. He does an infinitely better job than his dad.

I'm sorry. Just decide what your strategy is to make it ok and DIY the day - trust me, it's much better than fighting.

[Anonymous]

But you’re not his mom.

[Anonymous]

You should have taken control instead of berating him. Maybe he's just clueless. You could have bought a cake, made a nice dinner and had the kids make you MD cards to put on the refrigerator. Let DH know it's not just about his mother. You could have been involved in the call to ensure it was about both mothers. Next time use good psychology.

I had the same problem when I was first married. Every Mother's Day we had to meet his mother,, and entire family at the same restaurant. His mom had to be the center of attention, it grew tiresome. The next Mother's Day I was pregnant and we hadn't told his family. I made sure to tell everyone at the restaurant, totally stole her thunder. I also made sure let my kids know that we were celebrating all the mothers in the family. And I made sure to say that at the restaurant. After his mom died (a few years later) that was that and the holidays became much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not his mom.

I see people post this all of the time, and it is the lamest excuse ever.

OP’s kids are 3 and 6, so he should have had them make her something. It was shitty to go all in for his mom, and do NOTHING for his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have taken control instead of berating him. Maybe he's just clueless. You could have bought a cake, made a nice dinner and had the kids make you MD cards to put on the refrigerator. Let DH know it's not just about his mother. You could have been involved in the call to ensure it was about both mothers. Next time use good psychology.

I had the same problem when I was first married. Every Mother's Day we had to meet his mother,, and entire family at the same restaurant. His mom had to be the center of attention, it grew tiresome. The next Mother's Day I was pregnant and we hadn't told his family. I made sure to tell everyone at the restaurant, totally stole her thunder. I also made sure let my kids know that we were celebrating all the mothers in the family. And I made sure to say that at the restaurant. After his mom died (a few years later) that was that and the holidays became much easier.

This just puts extra work on OP's plate though. Ordering her own cake. Cooking. Getting the kids to make a card. Forcing yourself into a call to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not his mom.

OP’s Dh used their kids to make Mother’s Day crafts for someone who is not their mother. Their labor should have been spent on gifts for their mother. He used those kids to score points with his own mommy while their mother got jack. That’s messed up.

[Anonymous]

That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP-- I would accept the clueless observation if he didn't spend so much time appreciating his own mother and excluding the mother of his children.
Your DH sounds passive aggressive-- either taking out misdirected anger and frustration on you, or simply oppositional (digging into doing the wrong thing because he knows what you want and expect). To be honest, I would have a serious problem with this behavior-- because he clearly did not forget or downplay Mother's Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this is relatively common, is very weird, and is not going to change.

While your kids are young you need to decide if you want this to be an issue every single year, or if you want to just ask the kids to make you a card and you can get your own gift (doesn't have to be awkward...remind them/help them make one for a grandma and also remind them to make one for you).

My husband is weird as hell about Hallmark holidays, and it irks me and is pretty hurtful (especially since I've explained what/how/why I like a small gesture). He just digs in deeper every time I raise the issue, so I no longer do. He also doesn't get anything for his own mom, or sends something weird like 2 weeks late, and I know that she is crushed repeatedly because gifts are very VERY important to her. He freaks out if I try to step in and send her something (so I sent her chocolate "for no reason" two weeks ago).

Yesterday my 11 year old made me a card and picked like 5 wildflowers from the yard (literally, at the flower base...no stem whatsoever). He also ordered me a gift on Amazon with his own money, which is adorable, and even though it won't be here for a while I appreciate that my child is now old enough to just figure it out on his own. He does an infinitely better job than his dad.

I'm sorry. Just decide what your strategy is to make it ok and DIY the day - trust me, it's much better than fighting.

Mother's Day is not a Hallmark holiday. It originated as an anti-war demonstration to promote global unity after a decade of war in the US and Europe. The first mother's day was in the 1870s. Hallmark didn't exist for another 40 years, and certainly wasn't influential enough to create a holiday at that point.

It's nice that you've come to a detente with your husband. But that doesn't make his framing of the argument (that Mother's Day is somehow fake/undeserving of attention) correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

OP here. No I am going to use Father's Day to model what should be done on a holiday. I'm going to go all out, card, homemade crafts, nice brunch, maybe a gift. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.