Husband did not acknowledge Mother's Day for me, but did for his own mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

OP here. No I am going to use Father's Day to model what should be done on a holiday. I'm going to go all out, card, homemade crafts, nice brunch, maybe a gift. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.

I think that's mature and thoughtful of you. But I wouldn't blame you if you reciprocated. I hope you at least treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP-- I would accept the clueless observation if he didn't spend so much time appreciating his own mother and excluding the mother of his children.
Your DH sounds passive aggressive-- either taking out misdirected anger and frustration on you, or simply oppositional (digging into doing the wrong thing because he knows what you want and expect). To be honest, I would have a serious problem with this behavior-- because he clearly did not forget or downplay Mother's Day.

Also, I don't agree with people who say "don't do anything for Father's Day." You're setting a good example for your kids, even if your DH's behavior sucks. I would celebrate Father's Day, and don't make any special "point" with it- just do it so your kids grow up to be appreciative and courteous.

[Anonymous]

What did he say when you told him how it made you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did he say when you told him how it made you feel?

Did you tell him you were upset or disappointed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did he say when you told him how it made you feel?

At first he got defensive, saying "Well I didn't know that you wanted to celebrate the day since you've been so depressed about the Coronavirus pandemic."

I said, every mother wants some sort of acknowledgment of the day, who wouldn't? I said how come you couldn't even help the kids make a homemade card, you were doing arts and crafts of some sort the day before for 2 hours.

He said: "It just didn't cross my mind to do anything for you."

I said: "Well, my feelings are really hurt. Look how much time/energy you spent on the surprise for your mother. You spent several hours on that. The fact that you thought to do something thoughtful for her and did nothing for me really hurt my feelings and I'm very upset."

He then apologized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did he say when you told him how it made you feel?

Did you tell him you were upset or disappointed?

OP here. Yes, I did. I spelled it out very clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did he say when you told him how it made you feel?

At first he got defensive, saying "Well I didn't know that you wanted to celebrate the day since you've been so depressed about the Coronavirus pandemic."

I said, every mother wants some sort of acknowledgment of the day, who wouldn't? I said how come you couldn't even help the kids make a homemade card, you were doing arts and crafts of some sort the day before for 2 hours.

He said: "It just didn't cross my mind to do anything for you."

I said: "Well, my feelings are really hurt. Look how much time/energy you spent on the surprise for your mother. You spent several hours on that. The fact that you thought to do something thoughtful for her and did nothing for me really hurt my feelings and I'm very upset."

He then apologized.

Okay, well, it sounds like he understood and hopefully will do better next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not his mom.

OP’s Dh used their kids to make Mother’s Day crafts for someone who is not their mother. Their labor should have been spent on gifts for their mother. He used those kids to score points with his own mommy while their mother got jack. That’s messed up.

Exactly. These aren't grandma's kids. Kids should have made something for their mom.

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel any better, I not only had to help the kids with my own mother's day cart. I also had to buy DH's mother's day gift for his mom AND get/send the card.

Remembering/planning for holidays is NOT DH's strength but it never has been. I don't feel less loved for it.

[Anonymous]

What a clueless ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have taken control instead of berating him. Maybe he's just clueless. You could have bought a cake, made a nice dinner and had the kids make you MD cards to put on the refrigerator. Let DH know it's not just about his mother. You could have been involved in the call to ensure it was about both mothers. Next time use good psychology.

I had the same problem when I was first married. Every Mother's Day we had to meet his mother,, and entire family at the same restaurant. His mom had to be the center of attention, it grew tiresome. The next Mother's Day I was pregnant and we hadn't told his family. I made sure to tell everyone at the restaurant, totally stole her thunder. I also made sure let my kids know that we were celebrating all the mothers in the family. And I made sure to say that at the restaurant. After his mom died (a few years later) that was that and the holidays became much easier.

This just puts extra work on OP's plate though. Ordering her own cake. Cooking. Getting the kids to make a card. Forcing yourself into a call to someone else.

What work? We bought a strawberry shortcake yesterday at the grocery store, no work involved. Maybe next year she could make reservations at a nice restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have taken control instead of berating him. Maybe he's just clueless. You could have bought a cake, made a nice dinner and had the kids make you MD cards to put on the refrigerator. Let DH know it's not just about his mother. You could have been involved in the call to ensure it was about both mothers. Next time use good psychology.

I had the same problem when I was first married. Every Mother's Day we had to meet his mother,, and entire family at the same restaurant. His mom had to be the center of attention, it grew tiresome. The next Mother's Day I was pregnant and we hadn't told his family. I made sure to tell everyone at the restaurant, totally stole her thunder. I also made sure let my kids know that we were celebrating all the mothers in the family. And I made sure to say that at the restaurant. After his mom died (a few years later) that was that and the holidays became much easier.

This just puts extra work on OP's plate though. Ordering her own cake. Cooking. Getting the kids to make a card. Forcing yourself into a call to someone else.

What work? We bought a strawberry shortcake yesterday at the grocery store, no work involved. Maybe next year she could make reservations at a nice restaurant.

Some people, and I'll count myself as one of them despite being IMO pretty low maintenance, don't want to have to plan a time for their family to appreciate them. It feels forced, disingenuous and lame. I'd rather do nothing than plan my own dinner TBH. You seem to be pretty passive aggressive though based on that bizarre anecdote about MIL (a series of mothers days where you got more and more angry and passive aggressive until she died and everything was ok?!?!?)

If my husband had just proven that he was a great guy but just sucked at mother's day, I could accept that, but I'm making my own dinner party jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

OP here. No I am going to use Father's Day to model what should be done on a holiday. I'm going to go all out, card, homemade crafts, nice brunch, maybe a gift. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.

Don't do that. Maybe have kids make a card, that's it. He will think you're doing it to rub his nose in and won't appreciate as he should. Just have kids make a card and order in some food so YOU don't have to cook

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have taken control instead of berating him. Maybe he's just clueless. You could have bought a cake, made a nice dinner and had the kids make you MD cards to put on the refrigerator. Let DH know it's not just about his mother. You could have been involved in the call to ensure it was about both mothers. Next time use good psychology.

I had the same problem when I was first married. Every Mother's Day we had to meet his mother,, and entire family at the same restaurant. His mom had to be the center of attention, it grew tiresome. The next Mother's Day I was pregnant and we hadn't told his family. I made sure to tell everyone at the restaurant, totally stole her thunder. I also made sure let my kids know that we were celebrating all the mothers in the family. And I made sure to say that at the restaurant. After his mom died (a few years later) that was that and the holidays became much easier.

This just puts extra work on OP's plate though. Ordering her own cake. Cooking. Getting the kids to make a card. Forcing yourself into a call to someone else.

What work? We bought a strawberry shortcake yesterday at the grocery store, no work involved. Maybe next year she could make reservations at a nice restaurant.

I listed several things that are work. Maybe ordering the cake is quick, but then also making "a nice dinner"? Essentially making your own card? Combined, that's basically several hours of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

OP here. No I am going to use Father's Day to model what should be done on a holiday. I'm going to go all out, card, homemade crafts, nice brunch, maybe a gift. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.

Don't do that. Maybe have kids make a card, that's it. He will think you're doing it to rub his nose in and won't appreciate as he should. Just have kids make a card and order in some food so YOU don't have to cook

I agree. Don't ignore it, AND don't go all out. Have the kids make him cards. Order in a nice meal. Definitely no gift from you. Model a nice, low-key way of marking the holiday.