Husband did not acknowledge Mother's Day for me, but did for his own mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did he say when you told him how it made you feel?

At first he got defensive, saying "Well I didn't know that you wanted to celebrate the day since you've been so depressed about the Coronavirus pandemic."

I said, every mother wants some sort of acknowledgment of the day, who wouldn't? I said how come you couldn't even help the kids make a homemade card, you were doing arts and crafts of some sort the day before for 2 hours.

He said: "It just didn't cross my mind to do anything for you."

I said: "Well, my feelings are really hurt. Look how much time/energy you spent on the surprise for your mother. You spent several hours on that. The fact that you thought to do something thoughtful for her and did nothing for me really hurt my feelings and I'm very upset."

He then apologized.

Okay, well, it sounds like he understood and hopefully will do better next year.

+1

If his apology seemed sincere, and especially if he seems extra appreciative over the next week or so, I'd let it go. If you're having trouble letting go, say "I appreciate your apology, but I still feel like I missed out. What if we rescheduled Mother's Day in our family for May 24th? That gives you two weeks to figure out something nice to do."

[Anonymous]

I told my wife that I'll do the same thing for her that she did for me on fathers day last year... nothing.

[Anonymous]

Many woman-babies are needy, whiny, and incapable of self-soothing. Sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and kids did not acknowledge Mother's Day at all yesterday. Not a homemade card, not a flower from the garden, nothing. My kids are 3 and 6 so I don't expect them to remember on their own of course. It's all on my husband. And Saturday he spent 2 hours with them doing arts and crafts--they made all sorts of projects, just nothing for me.

What really upset me is that he spent a lot of time planning a special Mother's Day surprise for his own mother (who lives in a different state), and had the kids participate on a Skype call with her Sunday. So it's not like he was oblivious to the holiday.

Yesterday evening I told him how upset I was, and how much it hurt my feelings that he spent all this time planning the perfect Mother's Day surprise for his own mother but I got nothing. I told him to accept responsibility for this instead of getting defensive as he was.

I am really hurt and feel very unappreciated.

So tired of these M Day post, if you are so upset and he does not get it you clearly have problems beyond MD! you need counseling or a divorce, sorry to be so mean but it has nothing to do with mother's day per se you are not on the same page PERIOD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did he say when you told him how it made you feel?

At first he got defensive, saying "Well I didn't know that you wanted to celebrate the day since you've been so depressed about the Coronavirus pandemic."

I said, every mother wants some sort of acknowledgment of the day, who wouldn't? I said how come you couldn't even help the kids make a homemade card, you were doing arts and crafts of some sort the day before for 2 hours.

He said: "It just didn't cross my mind to do anything for you."

I said: "Well, my feelings are really hurt. Look how much time/energy you spent on the surprise for your mother. You spent several hours on that. The fact that you thought to do something thoughtful for her and did nothing for me really hurt my feelings and I'm very upset."

He then apologized.

I would be hurt too and you did well by speaking up on the spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

OP here. No I am going to use Father's Day to model what should be done on a holiday. I'm going to go all out, card, homemade crafts, nice brunch, maybe a gift. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.

I think that's mature and thoughtful of you. But I wouldn't blame you if you reciprocated. I hope you at least treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

But, is that really the message and lesson you want for your children? Like it or not, whatever OP teaches her children is how they will act as adults. I think OP has the right attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

OP here. No I am going to use Father's Day to model what should be done on a holiday. I'm going to go all out, card, homemade crafts, nice brunch, maybe a gift. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.

Then expect it to happen again and again. You're choosing to be a martyr.

It's a good idea to have the kids make him a Father's day card because you're teaching them how to appreciate their parent. However, going all out to celebrate him on your behalf is ridiculous. Be nice, maybe get takeout for dinner if it's easier for you, but going all out and getting him a gift is a bad approach.

You also need to take this laid back approach when his birthday or other important milestones come around for him. He will never understand the importance of putting in effort for YOU if you don't stop being a doormat.

Next mother's day when you're back here with the same complaint, don't say you weren't warned...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this is relatively common, is very weird, and is not going to change.

While your kids are young you need to decide if you want this to be an issue every single year, or if you want to just ask the kids to make you a card and you can get your own gift (doesn't have to be awkward...remind them/help them make one for a grandma and also remind them to make one for you).

My husband is weird as hell about Hallmark holidays, and it irks me and is pretty hurtful (especially since I've explained what/how/why I like a small gesture). He just digs in deeper every time I raise the issue, so I no longer do. He also doesn't get anything for his own mom, or sends something weird like 2 weeks late, and I know that she is crushed repeatedly because gifts are very VERY important to her. He freaks out if I try to step in and send her something (so I sent her chocolate "for no reason" two weeks ago).

Yesterday my 11 year old made me a card and picked like 5 wildflowers from the yard (literally, at the flower base...no stem whatsoever). He also ordered me a gift on Amazon with his own money, which is adorable, and even though it won't be here for a while I appreciate that my child is now old enough to just figure it out on his own. He does an infinitely better job than his dad.

I'm sorry. Just decide what your strategy is to make it ok and DIY the day - trust me, it's much better than fighting.

Your son sounds sweet. No comment on your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have taken control instead of berating him. Maybe he's just clueless. You could have bought a cake, made a nice dinner and had the kids make you MD cards to put on the refrigerator. Let DH know it's not just about his mother. You could have been involved in the call to ensure it was about both mothers. Next time use good psychology.

I had the same problem when I was first married. Every Mother's Day we had to meet his mother,, and entire family at the same restaurant. His mom had to be the center of attention, it grew tiresome. The next Mother's Day I was pregnant and we hadn't told his family. I made sure to tell everyone at the restaurant, totally stole her thunder. I also made sure let my kids know that we were celebrating all the mothers in the family. And I made sure to say that at the restaurant. After his mom died (a few years later) that was that and the holidays became much easier.

He was able to make special gestures for his mom but his the mother of his children? This is excuse-making and why these men continue to be half-assed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

OP here. No I am going to use Father's Day to model what should be done on a holiday. I'm going to go all out, card, homemade crafts, nice brunch, maybe a gift. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.

I think that's mature and thoughtful of you. But I wouldn't blame you if you reciprocated. I hope you at least treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

But, is that really the message and lesson you want for your children? Like it or not, whatever OP teaches her children is how they will act as adults. I think OP has the right attitude.

At 3 and 6 the kids won't be picking up much from these interactions - it sounds like OP and her husband had a conversation in private and it was just another day for the kids. BUT if they were old enough to understand, that is exactly the message I want to send my children! I want them to stand up for themselves. I want them to focus their time on people who value them.

And most of all, I do not want them to be martyrs or doormats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. Happy Mother's Day from me. Are you going to plan to not plan anything on Father's Day?

OP here. No I am going to use Father's Day to model what should be done on a holiday. I'm going to go all out, card, homemade crafts, nice brunch, maybe a gift. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.

You are a better woman than me.

[Anonymous]

He gets nothing for Father’s Day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP-- I would accept the clueless observation if he didn't spend so much time appreciating his own mother and excluding the mother of his children.
Your DH sounds passive aggressive-- either taking out misdirected anger and frustration on you, or simply oppositional (digging into doing the wrong thing because he knows what you want and expect). To be honest, I would have a serious problem with this behavior-- because he clearly did not forget or downplay Mother's Day.

Also, I don't agree with people who say "don't do anything for Father's Day." You're setting a good example for your kids, even if your DH's behavior sucks. I would celebrate Father's Day, and don't make any special "point" with it- just do it so your kids grow up to be appreciative and courteous.

Also, one day they will be old enough to notice and wonder WHY Father's Day seems to get more notice than Mother's Day....