If you grew up UC or UMC and don't make enough money to live that way as an adult

[Anonymous]

What's it like to know you are giving your kids less?

This is the situation DH and I would be in if we had kids. DH's parents lost most of their wealth in the 08 crash and mine, who are more UMC than UC, aren't the types to give out money (which is fine, I've never asked).

But we won't be able to afford the extras we had as kids: primarily private school k-12 and 100% of private college paid for but also we won't be able to afford several vacations a year around the world, the costly extracurriculars (I grew up horseback riding with my own horse, for instance, and that's not something we ever afford to do now), etc.

We haven't been on a vacation in three years because we're saving for a down payment. Our lifestyle now is very different from how we grew up.

[Anonymous]

I grew up LMC but my husband grew up well-off (not horse territory) but parents paid 100% for college and living expenses, vacations etc. We can't do that but he has more than made up for it by being a great, engaged father which he really didn't have

[Anonymous]

My best friend and I grew up together UC (we also rode horses, and I still do with my daughters). She is a teacher and her husband also works in academia and she just acknowledged that her kids' lives would be different then hers. No horses for sure, less travel, no private school, etc. But she's just as happy as I am now. I think it's because while those things are nice, we both realize that they're not necessary for happiness. Yes, I loved my private school, and I'm glad that I can send my kids to one that's similar, but if I couldn't, I'd know that they would still get a great education. Same with riding - I'm so happy to be able to share it with my daughters, but we could also put our time and energy into swimming, or lacrosse, or some other sport that they would enjoy. If I were you, I would focus on whether or not you want kids, and then figure out how you can give them the things that really matter for a happy childhood. I promise, it's not horses and fancy vacations and private school.

[Anonymous]

I would do some serious therapy and soul searching before having kids. I grew up LMC and can assure you life is worth living, even without horses and fancy vacations. That being said, a mentally healthy and happy parent is super important. So if you’re going to have issues, figure out how to handle that before kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend and I grew up together UC (we also rode horses, and I still do with my daughters). She is a teacher and her husband also works in academia and she just acknowledged that her kids' lives would be different then hers. No horses for sure, less travel, no private school, etc. But she's just as happy as I am now. I think it's because while those things are nice, we both realize that they're not necessary for happiness. Yes, I loved my private school, and I'm glad that I can send my kids to one that's similar, but if I couldn't, I'd know that they would still get a great education. Same with riding - I'm so happy to be able to share it with my daughters, but we could also put our time and energy into swimming, or lacrosse, or some other sport that they would enjoy. If I were you, I would focus on whether or not you want kids, and then figure out how you can give them the things that really matter for a happy childhood. I promise, it's not horses and fancy vacations and private school.

NP. This is kind of a weird post for this thread. Your message is essentially: yes I have everything YOU'D like to have and it's as nice as you'd think it is but you should still be happy and make do without it.

I mean, now the place for this kind of brag? Learn to read a room? LOL

[Anonymous]

I grew up UMC - expensive extracurriculars, lots of international traveling from an early age, college funded 100%, multiple homes. I'm now probably just MC, at least for this area. Luckily, my parents have generously offered to pay for college for my 2 DCs, but we've never gone on a real vacation, having only traveled to visit family in other parts of the country. DCs can participate in some extracurriculars, but I doubt we'll be able to provide what I had.

However, my parents worked a lot to maintain that lifestyle. Both were fairly important in their companies and had business trips all over the world at least monthly. DH and I are able to spend far more time with our DCs than my parents did with me. So while they certainly don't have as many things and experiences that I had, I feel as though we're able to give them an overall better life, simply by being there for them. While we can't provide absolutely everything they would want (and I feel like I was a bit spoiled), we can certainly provide everything they need.

[Anonymous]

I have concerns about this for my own children. We have a really nice lifestyle with all of the extras you mention but it's because my husband kind of randomly fell into a high paying career with flexible hours (fintech). So we have the best of both worlds: a lot of money and a really nice work life balance.

He can easily work remotely with no issues, gets six weeks off a year which is use it or lose it (so everyone is encouraged to use it), minimal travel, and typically only works ~ 50 hours a week so we can have family dinner every night, etc.

Very few people live in the city where the company is HQ'd, including us. Since we had the ability to live anywhere without jobs tethering us to a specific area, we chose to move to the MCOL city where DH grew up so we could raise our kids near extended family. So the money goes even further than it would had we stayed in our HCOL city.

I look at the world and I realize how lucky we are and how unusual of a position we are in. I don't know how our children are going to replicate this as adults. They are growing up in a home where money is simply not a concern. I worry about that for them.

[Anonymous]

I suppose we make less than my parents, adjusted for inflation. But my parents always saved a ton so I don't feel like I am. I feel like that means my parents taught me right and I have my priorities straight.

Money is nice to have but mostly for the security it gives you. Not the toys.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I grew up UMC in a fancy California beach town. We were not flashy, but money was never a concern and didn't play heavily into decisions like which summer camp or college I'm now married, three kids, and living probably a rung or two below where my parents had been financially.

It's hard on me occasionally. I wish we could travel more, or throw caution to the wind on a few family decisions. I honestly wish I had prioritized money a bit more in making career and life choices. But I didn't - and here I am! And the truth is that we are well. My kids are happy, and I adore my family. They still go to summer camp (well maybe not this year) but just not the super expensive ones. They don't know what a country club is so they don't know what they're missing. They play soccer rather than pursue equestrian sports. So it weighs on me, but it sure doesn't weigh on them. And honestly they're probably growing up more grounded and real that I did, so maybe it has some benefits too.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? I have learned that those extras were stupid. I mean, I liked private school and made friends but I didn’t learn anything my kids aren’t getting at their public (well, when it’s open). My kids haven’t been to Europe as toddlers but I don’t remember that anyway.

So I don’t even buy the premise that I am giving my kids less.
I am giving them what they need (and then some), and they can’t miss what they never had.

[Anonymous]

I think the great thing is that if you have a happy family with enough money for the basics (food, health care, safe place to live, etc.) plus a few extras (a few activities, some low-key trips or vacations occasionally, etc), your kids are going to be happy and fine. Sure, more money means more expensive things, but I really don't think it increases children's (or adults') happiness beyond the basics plus a bit level (i.e. middle class).

[Anonymous]

Well, I don’t consider all of those things you described to be UMC, more straight upper class. I grew up going to public school, had 100% of state school paid for, parents bought me a car, we had nice extracurriculars/activities but nothing ostentatious, and we went on plenty of vacations but none of them were particularly fancy. I consider that UMC.

[Anonymous]

I guess I didn’t grow up UC, and probably we were actually UMC but it was the 80s/90s and my parents are savers not spenders so I didn’t feel like that growing up.

Both DH and I went to public school and our kids go to public school. I think that’s totally fine. I don’t feel bad about that at all.

My parents did pay for me to go to private college - DH went to public college. I think times are changing and grad school is the new college, and for that reason I will encourage my kids to go to state college.

I do like to travel, but my kids enjoy camping just as much as the next vacation. I would say just adjust your attitude and don’t have a chip on your shoulder and that will make all the difference. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My father grew up solidly UMC (public school, but they also had a housekeeper and a country club membership). My mother grew up more UC (daily housekeeper and nanny, horses that she stabled at a family friend's racehorse farm, boarding school, debutante balls, trips to Europe at a time when overseas travel was much less common).

When I was growing up, we were definitely LMC (in what was generally an affluent suburb), thanks to parents who majored in interesting but not super practical fields, sometimes questionable money management, and some circumstances outside their control. We always had the basics but not always a lot for extras. My grandparents paid for summer camp and other extra fun things like that.

I think it was sometimes difficult for my mother because of the various fun things they couldn't do for us. Less so for my father because he's probably the least materialistic person I've ever met. He just doesn't really want or need money or things beyond the basics.

Once my dad got a graduate degree and a new career, their income went up, and now I'd say they're fairly UMC again.

From the perspective of a child growing up with this dynamic, my sister and I had VERY happy childhoods. Sure, it was easy to get jealous or want things we couldn't afford sometimes, but we had everything we needed, went to very good public schools, never had to worry about our next meal or a roof over our heads, and we did a ton of fun things that were cheap (hiking, etc). Plus, as I mentioned, my grandparents paid for some extras (but not extravagantly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don’t consider all of those things you described to be UMC, more straight upper class. I grew up going to public school, had 100% of state school paid for, parents bought me a car, we had nice extracurriculars/activities but nothing ostentatious, and we went on plenty of vacations but none of them were particularly fancy. I consider that UMC.

Yes, that’s what I think is UMC too.

Anyway, regardless, it’s an interesting discussion! There was a whole NYT profile on individuals who grew up MC/UMC but now struggle financially.

We are UMC and I keep thinking my kids probably won’t have the same lifestyle we have now. (Which isnt fancy, but maybe they will look back and think it is?)