If you grew up UC or UMC and don't make enough money to live that way as an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's it like to know you are giving your kids less?

This is the situation DH and I would be in if we had kids. DH's parents lost most of their wealth in the 08 crash and mine, who are more UMC than UC, aren't the types to give out money (which is fine, I've never asked).

But we won't be able to afford the extras we had as kids: primarily private school k-12 and 100% of private college paid for but also we won't be able to afford several vacations a year around the world, the costly extracurriculars (I grew up horseback riding with my own horse, for instance, and that's not something we ever afford to do now), etc.

We haven't been on a vacation in three years because we're saving for a down payment. Our lifestyle now is very different from how we grew up.

I am not happy that my kids don't have some of the things I enjoyed growing up. They're teens and they haven't spent a day in private school and won't have more than a couple thousand from our savings to pay towards college. Hand me downs from friends and the occasional driving vacation to visit relatives is just the way it is.

I know we've let down our kids in the financial part of life and have come to accept that.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read every response but isn't this a common story in America?

You were raised UC and now your current income doesn't make you UC and you worry your kids won't be riding horses and going to private school.

Those who were raised in Bethesda by their parents only one of who worked as middle mgmt at some insurance company realize that no way they can afford that house in Bethesda or anything comparable?

The way this problem is solved is by every generation taking a step beyond their parents professionally -- because by going one step above professionally is how you "match" them financially. If dad was a engineer or insurance manager from random state u, kid should be looking at investment banking, biglaw or being a cardiologist with biglaw pedigree to afford all the finer things. Yet most people don't do that because they can't/don't understand that loans are an investment that DO pay off if you go into the right fields/have bought into the "do what makes you happy" non sense re academia only to realize that living on 125k isn't happiness because it doesn't buy the things your parents bought you on 80k decades ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up UMC - expensive extracurriculars, lots of international traveling from an early age, college funded 100%, multiple homes. I'm now probably just MC, at least for this area. Luckily, my parents have generously offered to pay for college for my 2 DCs, but we've never gone on a real vacation, having only traveled to visit family in other parts of the country. DCs can participate in some extracurriculars, but I doubt we'll be able to provide what I had.

However, my parents worked a lot to maintain that lifestyle. Both were fairly important in their companies and had business trips all over the world at least monthly. DH and I are able to spend far more time with our DCs than my parents did with me. So while they certainly don't have as many things and experiences that I had, I feel as though we're able to give them an overall better life, simply by being there for them. While we can't provide absolutely everything they would want (and I feel like I was a bit spoiled), we can certainly provide everything they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend and I grew up together UC (we also rode horses, and I still do with my daughters). She is a teacher and her husband also works in academia and she just acknowledged that her kids' lives would be different then hers. No horses for sure, less travel, no private school, etc. But she's just as happy as I am now. I think it's because while those things are nice, we both realize that they're not necessary for happiness. Yes, I loved my private school, and I'm glad that I can send my kids to one that's similar, but if I couldn't, I'd know that they would still get a great education. Same with riding - I'm so happy to be able to share it with my daughters, but we could also put our time and energy into swimming, or lacrosse, or some other sport that they would enjoy. If I were you, I would focus on whether or not you want kids, and then figure out how you can give them the things that really matter for a happy childhood. I promise, it's not horses and fancy vacations and private school.

I promise you, your friend is not happy about missing those things and seeing you giving them to your kids while she can't. Of course, she wouldn't say that, but you should be very careful and sensitive to it. You sound a little tone deaf. It's very easy to say you would be happy without certain things when you don't ever have to go without them. Oh, and lacrosse? You wouldn't know this, but to pay for lessons, teams, travel--you have to be UMC, at least.

+1

Except that I would say, very tone deaf. Extremely tone deaf.

[Anonymous]

I may get flamed for this, but growing up we had everything we needed and LOTS of what we wanted. Nothing like a country club membership or horses or European vacations. Frankly, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to want to give those specific things to my kids.

The best thing my parents ever did for me and my siblings was save from the second we were born to pay for college in full. State schools, but we never had to worry about loans or taking on debt. I see how much of a difference it makes to some of my peers. To this day, that is the number one thing I am most grateful for. It set me up for financial success, and that is way more important than any material thing I could have been given.

Yes, I know it’s not easy and times have changed (I’m in my early 30s). But we are adamant that we will do the same for our own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read every response but isn't this a common story in America?

You were raised UC and now your current income doesn't make you UC and you worry your kids won't be riding horses and going to private school.

Those who were raised in Bethesda by their parents only one of who worked as middle mgmt at some insurance company realize that no way they can afford that house in Bethesda or anything comparable?

The way this problem is solved is by every generation taking a step beyond their parents professionally -- because by going one step above professionally is how you "match" them financially. If dad was a engineer or insurance manager from random state u, kid should be looking at investment banking, biglaw or being a cardiologist with biglaw pedigree to afford all the finer things. Yet most people don't do that because they can't/don't understand that loans are an investment that DO pay off if you go into the right fields/have bought into the "do what makes you happy" non sense re academia only to realize that living on 125k isn't happiness because it doesn't buy the things your parents bought you on 80k decades ago.

There's an old adage about how it takes three generations to lose a fortune in America. Something about how the first generation makes it, the second maintains it and the third spends it. Lots of trust fund babies with low paying jobs aren't going to be able to pass that generational wealth to their children or grandchildren.

We are UC (raised LMC and MC) and won't be leaving our kids anything for that reason. They know this.

[Anonymous]

Listen - going to private schools and insanely expensive colleges clearly didn’t help you out in life, so why are you worried that you couldn’t give that experience to your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But we won't be able to afford the extras we had as kids: primarily private school k-12 and 100% of private college paid for but also we won't be able to afford several vacations a year around the world, the costly extracurriculars (I grew up horseback riding with my own horse, for instance, and that's not something we ever afford to do now), etc.

OP where do you live? Our suburban DMV elementary school is full of families with parents just like you. Name a top private school in this area and we have a parent who went there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen - going to private schools and insanely expensive colleges clearly didn’t help you out in life, so why are you worried that you couldn’t give that experience to your kids?

lol true.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it's all about how the parents do it. My best friend grew up UMC with me, but is definitely LC now. They live on a graduate student's stipend (30k?) with their 3 kids. And they're thrilled and their children are extremely happy. They focus nearly 100% on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this post somewhat insulting, though I know you didn’t mean it to be. You believe that rich people’s childhoods are better than MC or even LC childhoods? I grew up what DCUM would consider LM though it was really MC. We are now 1% and worry about giving our child too much. My husband and I had great childhoods and (used to, unfortunately it wears off a bit as you get spoiled) appreciate things that rich kids took for granted. Christmas was special because we didn’t get toys year round, pizza night was special because we ate at home a lot, vacations were special because they were limited, my husband and I appreciated Europe as adults because we hadn’t been going since we were 2....We can afford all that you listed but choose not to because that aren’t our family values. Though, I will admit we do vacations (one very nice trip a year e.g Costa Rica, Grand Canyon, California, etc) and a summer house in a fancy location. But public schools and inexpensive hobbies. We worry my daughter won’t appreciate the little things in life or the struggles of others. You should learn from the pandemic that the little things that bring you joy are the best.

This is so true! I almost feel sad for UMC kids nowadays. They are so blase. Takeout is an everyday occurrence. All requests for toys and devices are instantly gratified. They walk around Europe with their faces in their phones because they really couldn’t care less. I’d rather give the gift of anticipation and excitement to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Problem of the third generation, as brains pass through the mother. Smart ugly grandparents make it rich. Their smart & wealthy son marries pretty but average IQ girl. Third generation spends Dad's inheritance with Mom's IQ.

Most of you lamenting are third generation, with fourth generation kids. Sorry. Have your sons go for the smart girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem of the third generation, as brains pass through the mother. Smart ugly grandparents make it rich. Their smart & wealthy son marries pretty but average IQ girl. Third generation spends Dad's inheritance with Mom's IQ.

Most of you lamenting are third generation, with fourth generation kids. Sorry. Have your sons go for the smart girl.

Your assumptions are wildly out of date. Men used to marry their secretaries, now they marry fellow lawyers and doctors who then go on to become SAHMs. It's called assertive mating. Smart men don't chose dumb women for their (first) wives anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem of the third generation, as brains pass through the mother. Smart ugly grandparents make it rich. Their smart & wealthy son marries pretty but average IQ girl. Third generation spends Dad's inheritance with Mom's IQ.

Most of you lamenting are third generation, with fourth generation kids. Sorry. Have your sons go for the smart girl.

Ha. I don’t think it’s that simple.

- Signed, a pretty mom of average intelligence with two daughters who are brilliant like their dad

[Anonymous]

From an educational perspective, my husband and I did better than my parents. My dad had a business degree from Southern Connecticut State and my mom got her nursing degree from a hospital diploma program. My husband and I both have PhDs from top tier schools. But, from an income standpoint, we are definitely well-below the lifestyle that I grew up with (my dad worked his way up the corporate ladder at a big Fortune 100 company and retired as one of the highest ranking VPs). Our household income growing up was probably today’s equivalent of $600k or so per year, and this was in a lower COL area.

My husband and I chose to follow our passions and we make a combined $175K as tenure-track professors. I don’t worry about it at all. Country club, huge house, horseback riding, sleep away camp, fancy vacations...those were all nice, but did they really make me THAT much happier than if I would’ve swam at the public pool every day in the summer, or spent spring break at the Hilton in Florida instead of the Ritz in Maui? Are my kids worse off because they live in a 2000 square foot Dutch colonial in suburban DC instead of the gigantic house on 10 acres that I grew up in? Honestly, I don’t think so.

The only thing that gives me a twinge of sadness is the issue of college - my my kids will either have to go to the private colleges DH and I teach at via tuition remission or an in-state school. I was able to go to any college I wanted to/could get into—finances weren’t a consideration. That won’t be the case for my kids.