Manipulative sister who is a game-player communicator

[Anonymous]

Just a vent more than anything …

My oldest sister has never been an easy person to deal with. A know-it-all, hyper critical, jealous, meddling and manipulative. Has interfered in many people's relationships and does so with glee. Pits one person against the other and then backstabs them both. Relishes in watching the fallout of her actions because fundamentally she is a sick individual who is rabidly jealous of anyone who has something she doesn't. Has not been in a relationship for more than 30 years and has become a vindictive nasty woman who hates to see others happy. She lives alone and is also a moderate hoarder.

One way she manipulates is that she will not call anyone else in the family, she expects us all to call her. Even if we do, she PURPOSELY lets it go into voicemail just so she can be in "control" of when she decides to talk to you.

I'm done with her toxic games and have been disengaging for awhile now. But since I live closest to her I do still text her from time to time to keep in touch - essentially just to make sure she's still alive. But now she does the same thing with texts - won't answer them. (If she wants something from anyone else, then she has no problem texting and expects an answer within minutes.)

She has several health issues, lives alone in filth, and is stubborn about being "told what to do." I can only imagine she is out flauting social distancing and doing whatever she wants.

Now with covid, she refuses to reach out to people and doesn't answer/respond when trying to contact her. I sent her a text three days ago asking her a rather important question and she has not responded. I told my DH tonight that she will probably wind up dead, rotting in her bed for weeks before anyone knows. So be it.

[Anonymous]

She is mentally ill, have pity on her. Have no expectations. She will never change. You must accept the situation and move on. Text her if and when you feel like it, but expect no answers. You have tried, you can do no more. Put your love and energy into your own immediate family. Take care.

[Anonymous]

When you say you live closest to her, what does that mean? 10 minutes away or 2 hours? If she is a reasonable driving distance, can you do a drive by to notice lights on etc? Is she on social media with other people that you could secretly investigat6e?

[Anonymous]

OP: Thanks to both responses.

Agree she is mentally ill and pity is the only thing I've really got left to expend on her.

I am within a short drive and doing a drive-by is a good suggestion. May give it a try - only problem is she usually keeps curtains drawn and does not turn lights on at night since she thinks it's a waste of money.

[Anonymous]

Why are you engaging with her? She will reach out if she needs anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you engaging with her? She will reach out if she needs anything.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you engaging with her? She will reach out if she needs anything.

+1

+2 and what “rather important” question could you need an answer to from a sister you clearly despise?

[Anonymous]

She is severely mentally ill. She’s not playing games. She is behaving according to the dictates of her illness. You can see that this is harming HER most of all, not you or anyone else.

It can only get worse. Just remember she is not entirely responsible for her actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is mentally ill, have pity on her. Have no expectations. She will never change. You must accept the situation and move on. Text her if and when you feel like it, but expect no answers. You have tried, you can do no more. Put your love and energy into your own immediate family. Take care.

This person is 100 percent correct

I’m screenshotting this as a reminder for my own life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you engaging with her? She will reach out if she needs anything.

This. She sounds a little like my sister, but I stopped contacting her a long time ago and frankly I am the one not responding to her attempts because I am sick of being used.You are too enmeshed even though you say you are detached. If someone doesn't respond to you, you stop contacting them. If she reaches out whenever she needs something, you have a CHOICE whether to help. It took me a long time to realize that. I got burned out and realized she will always find people to take advantage of. Sure enough she just uses neighbors, "friends" (doesn't have real friends-just people she uses until they burn out) and other family. You need to truly detach. Stop contacting her and you decide how you want to engage with her when she reaches out, but expect nothing in return.