Help setting boundaries with spouse
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Anonymous
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Married 10 years. Struggling with setting firm boundaries and appropriate boundaries with spouse, and could use some advice and suggestions. Spouse has pattern of disrespectful behavior. For example, interrupting talking over me when I talk. Even if I say, I need you to wait until I'm finished talking to start, he will not respect this and continues to interrupt. Yelling and raising his voice. I've told him multiple times I need this to stop.
Obviously, the recent stresses have placed him in fight or flight mode. He has struggled with anxiety and depression in the past. In these moods, rather than choose constructive behaviors or approach with creative solutions, he digs into the negativity and blame. Blows up over nothing. Does not initiate communication to resolve, rejects repair attempts. I often feel I am walking on eggshells. I can extend empathy but not get it back. The level of emotional support and regulation that I can expect from him is extremely low. He is not physically violent although on a few occasions he has pushed me. He can do things that scare me with the children, such as pick them up or snatch things away in a rage. These rages make me afraid to do or say things that will set him off/ make things worse. I am moving towards separation, as the past two weeks have given me some clarity that continuing down this path is not healthy for me or my children. But given the pandemic I expect a few months minimum delay. In the meantime, I need to get better at setting stronger boundaries. I do not have a good example of this as my mother was abused by my father. I need concrete suggestions, things you say, consequences you set, etc. |
Anonymous
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During a time when things are calm I would tell him "When you yell while I'm talking, that is not a respectful way for a husband to treat a wife. You are taking out you anxiety and depression on me. You have an anger management problem. For you to push me is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. If you do not go to therapy to work towards changing this, I will work towards divorcing you. I really do not want to do that, but I will not be verbally abused and stay in a relationship where I am not respected.
But OP? I would leave anyone who pushed me, even once. Today he pushes, tomorrow he throws. Pushing you is physically abusive. |
Anonymous
Thanks so much. We had a big talk like this, over a year ago. He went to anger management therapy for several months and then stopped due to an unexpected event in the family that necessitated us to put several things on hold. This is where I got a bit stuck in terms of my own decision making, because several times during the marriage he has manifested willingness to work on his issues (despite low self-awareness and emotional regulation in the moment). He is not at his best right now. |
Anonymous
| I would simply not engage. I would tell him in a calm manner that you know this is a stressful time but the next time he is going to yell or interrupt you, you are going to walk away and do so. |
Anonymous
| Boundaries are for you, op: “If you do x, I do y”. You can’t logic him into changing his behavior, but you can warn him you’ll be leaving the room next time he rages up and you won’t engage in conversations that aren’t rooted in charity. |
Anonymous
| Don’t do anything major during these stressful times....unless you are being abused. |
Anonymous
| The part where he pushed you, is in fact, domestic violence. |
Anonymous
| The only thing you should be doing with this extra time and waiting out the current times isn’t getting your life in order to LEAVE as soon as this is over. Do you have friends and/or family for support? It sounds like you don’t have the confidence to leave but you absolutely have to for the sake of your kids and your safety. And someone who has been there, when he disrespects you walk away and don’t entertain it. When he snags the kids in rage document it and when it’s time leave without a scene and explanation. Only then he will get it. Life is so much better. |
Anonymous
I think there’s truth to this. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of working while parenting two kids alone. My husband is not emotionally supportive but he does participate in household chores and childcare. Neither of us have family in the area and moving is not an option due to my job. It’s already a lot to juggle with a partner, and I keep hearing from women that a so-so partner is better than none when it comes to just everyday logistics. At the moment we are in separate bedrooms, more due to his snoring and my changed sleep patterns after having kids. We talk to deal with logistics. We have the children in common. In recent months when things were better, we did go on day dates or hang out in the evenings. But not the past few weeks. The past few weeks I just don’t like him as a person. I wish he was different when under stress. He used to be more steady but the last few years really has seemed to go off the deep end with suicidal periods, work stress, and general midlife crisis stuff. It’s a lot to deal with his negativity. I find myself retreating more and more into a life that doesn’t include him. |
Anonymous
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Op,
You think of boundaries as though you can control his behaviors that you do not like. You can’t. He interrupts you on the phone. My Sn kid does this all the time. My dh gets mad even after so many years. I do not. I try to redirect the behavior. I accept that there is a part of my kid that has difficulty learning certain things. You need to do the same with your dh. |
Anonymous
You have a SN kid who depends on you. Surely different expectations are warranted in an adult relationship? |