Divorcing, but would like to get my soon to be ex some help

[Anonymous]

Husband and I separated a few years ago due to multiple affairs and alcoholism (which is what he blames the affairs on). We tried to counseling which hasn’t seemed to help. My husband’s drinking has gotten a lot worse, which he blames on me. The final straw for me, was him telling me that he’ll get help for his drinking if I take him back. I filed for divorce, but I would still like to try to help him with his drinking problem. I know it’s up to him to get help, but if I can give him names of a professional he could reach out to, maybe it might help push him in the right direction. Should I try to help him or should I let him figure this out on his own?

[Anonymous]

He is manipulating you. If you've decided to divorce, then don't get dragged into trying to help him. He can find the resources if he is interested in addressing his drinking problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is manipulating you. If you've decided to divorce, then don't get dragged into trying to help him. He can find the resources if he is interested in addressing his drinking problem.

bingo. don't fall for this trap

[Anonymous]

He needs to walk into AA on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband and I separated a few years ago due to multiple affairs and alcoholism (which is what he blames the affairs on). We tried to counseling which hasn’t seemed to help. My husband’s drinking has gotten a lot worse, which he blames on me. The final straw for me, was him telling me that he’ll get help for his drinking if I take him back. I filed for divorce, but I would still like to try to help him with his drinking problem. I know it’s up to him to get help, but if I can give him names of a professional he could reach out to, maybe it might help push him in the right direction. Should I try to help him or should I let him figure this out on his own?

I'd offer to drive him to an AA meeting or rehab if he wants to go and maybe not even that.

Frankly, it's really messed up that he's trying to bargain with you like this. I agree with the others - this is manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried al anon? It might help with setting healthy boundaries. I understand the desire to help him, but you do need to protect yourself and make sure you aren't enabling him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to walk into AA on his own.

+1 Give him the phone number and the address and then it’s on him. He is using you.

[Anonymous]

Stop. He's keeping you enmeshed in his life. If you're leaving, Leave.

[Anonymous]

I really hope you don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

My ex was very physically abusive. He tried to take my life. He has PTSD from the first gulf war. I wanted to help him. I felt sorry for him. And it nearly cost me my life and my children their mother.

You cannot help. You can feel compassion. You can wish him well/pray for him. But you cannot help him. Leave. Trust that someone else will step in and help. I’m sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you don't have kids.

We have one child. That’s part of the reason why I want to help, for my child’s sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was very physically abusive. He tried to take my life. He has PTSD from the first gulf war. I wanted to help him. I felt sorry for him. And it nearly cost me my life and my children their mother.

You cannot help. You can feel compassion. You can wish him well/pray for him. But you cannot help him. Leave. Trust that someone else will step in and help. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you don't have kids.

We have one child. That’s part of the reason why I want to help, for my child’s sake.

For your child’s sake, talk early and often about the dangers of drinking and alcoholism, without judgment. When they are in late ES, share that there is a family history of alcoholism and that there is no way to predict whether drinking will be a problem for them too when they grow up. For that readon, they should try not to drink until their mid-20s, and they should make it a lifelong havit to be a very light drinker.

You can’t make your STBX stop drinking. You can’t make him be a good dad. Get as much custody as you can and be very flexible and uncritical when your STBX cancels visitation or his custody days. My ex was a problem drinker. He could hold himself together for an hour or two a day, but not for an entire weekend. I took what he could give without complaining even though I know the kids were heartbroken sometimes. Over time I ended up with full physical custody with regular visitation for him.

[Anonymous]

OP, not this exact situation for sure but my sister was engaged to a guy who deployed a couple times with the military and had awful PTSD. He would not seek help and would drink all the time and verbally abuse her. She was desperate to leave but felt very guilty about leaving him when she knew he had this underlying disorder -- that maybe if she stayed she could help him. In fact, when she finally decided she had too much, she left him and he kept reaching out saying he would finally get help but he needed her, etc. Thankfully she completely cut him out (I understand that's not 100% applicable because you two have a kid, but).

It was far and away the smartest, healthiest thing she ever did. He sought care briefly and then 'relapsed' and ended up arrested.

All this to say she is now happily married to an amazing man with two kids and is grateful every day she didn't stay just to help him out and because of her guilt from leaving.

[Anonymous]

Give him money. $3K minimum.