Adult sibling possibly aspergers

[Anonymous]

Adult sibling doing well by many accounts (job, family) but maintains NO relationships outside of his domineering wife, three young kids, and my parents (reluctantly — through work circumstances he needs to see them every day). He thinks He is doing great but has always been a little off, I don’t know. Anyway our relationship had totally halted because he is unresponsive. His wife is very reluctantly responsive to me and my DH. My parents tell me that his coworker (a childhood friend) confided in them that my brother seeks out absolutely nobody for social or even conversational stuff. His wife likes to denigrate him and is very short with him. He is always super tightly wound. I feel bad for him but I suspect there’s nothing to do to try to get him help to address whatever mental state he’s in? His wife seems to have selected him as a partner so that she could be in charge and at the same time complain about how he sucks at stuff, which makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

I would just try to maintain your relationship with him. Meet him for coffee, or just check in with him frequently if you aren’t local. Don’t try to change him or his life, just be there for him. Even if it’s not great for you.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Your contempt for his wife is overflowing. My guess is that he sought out a partner with whom he felt some familiarity from his childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Your contempt for his wife is overflowing. My guess is that he sought out a partner with whom he felt some familiarity from his childhood.

Possibly but that makes no sense. Why would someone seek out a partner who hates him?! Whether or not I hated my brother as a child shouldn’t have any bearing on his future wife. And yes I find my brother very annoying. No hatred there but I would never be short with him or deride him to his face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Your contempt for his wife is overflowing. My guess is that he sought out a partner with whom he felt some familiarity from his childhood.

Possibly but that makes no sense. Why would someone seek out a partner who hates him?! Whether or not I hated my brother as a child shouldn’t have any bearing on his future wife. And yes I find my brother very annoying. No hatred there but I would never be short with him or deride him to his face.

Meant to say ... I found my brother very annoying as a kid. Don’t quite feel that way now just find him closed off

[Anonymous]

You could easily be my DH’s sister (different details). He isn’t close with his family because he does not like them very much. He does not have Aspergers.

Why do you think he has Aspergers, specifically? This makes me wonder if the problem lies with you. Clearly you do not like his wife. I would not listen to such gossip- who knows what goes on in their marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Your contempt for his wife is overflowing. My guess is that he sought out a partner with whom he felt some familiarity from his childhood.

Possibly but that makes no sense. Why would someone seek out a partner who hates him?! Whether or not I hated my brother as a child shouldn’t have any bearing on his future wife. And yes I find my brother very annoying. No hatred there but I would never be short with him or deride him to his face.

He sought out someone who is controlling and filled with contempt for others. You and the wife sound like twins.

[Anonymous]

Every single day there are threads about the fed up wife who doesn't get any household and childcare assistance from their DH. Perhaps your brother fits in that category?

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of men who don’t maintain any meaningful relationships outside of their spouse, children and parents because they work a full-time job and they don’t have Aspergers, either. He has a lot on his plate and probably chose his wife because she was able to take the reins at home and it made his life easier. You are hurt because he doesn’t make an effort to make time with you. You need to let go of that expectation for now.

[Anonymous]

Is your brother happy? Whether you'd be happy with his life is irrelevant. He's an adult, and if he's happy with his life and hasn't asked for your help, then MYOB. BTW, if he is autistic, he likely has different social needs than you, and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

If I were your brother or his wife, I would avoid you too. You are far too involved in his life and are making excuses for why he is keeping you at a distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult sibling doing well by many accounts (job, family) but maintains NO relationships outside of his domineering wife, three young kids, and my parents (reluctantly — through work circumstances he needs to see them every day). He thinks He is doing great but has always been a little off, I don’t know. Anyway our relationship had totally halted because he is unresponsive. His wife is very reluctantly responsive to me and my DH. My parents tell me that his coworker (a childhood friend) confided in them that my brother seeks out absolutely nobody for social or even conversational stuff. His wife likes to denigrate him and is very short with him. He is always super tightly wound. I feel bad for him but I suspect there’s nothing to do to try to get him help to address whatever mental state he’s in? His wife seems to have selected him as a partner so that she could be in charge and at the same time complain about how he sucks at stuff, which makes me sad.

If he does have ASD he is likely dropping the ball constantly at home and with raising/parenting young kids. His wife likely feels very lonely and even scared for the health and safety of the kids.

oP- everything you may read about neurotypical spouse with aspergers spouse is quite accurate. It’s it’s own internal hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Your contempt for his wife is overflowing. My guess is that he sought out a partner with whom he felt some familiarity from his childhood.

Possibly but that makes no sense. Why would someone seek out a partner who hates him?! Whether or not I hated my brother as a child shouldn’t have any bearing on his future wife. And yes I find my brother very annoying. No hatred there but I would never be short with him or deride him to his face.

Do you have to rely on your brother 24/7/365 for running a household, raising young children, maintaining a property and cars, scheduling things, doing what he said he’d do?

No you don’t. But try to imagine he was your life partner with actual responsibilities. The days of eat, office, eat, tv are long gone. He may be very overwhelmed but not know it, just lash out or get depressed or anxious.

And not having personal friends, hobbies or interests is not healthy for anyone.

Was your father or mother or both the same way? Homebodies, few friends or social things, same routine all the time, each season? These things are genetic you know.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with the wife, and everything to do with your sibling. The wife is not responsible for your sibling maintaining all of his own social and family relationships. If you want a relationship with your brother, YOU need to do the work to make it happen.

And if he does have aspergers as you suspect, then it's also quite overwhelming for the wife to pick up the slack in all the areas of life your brother is unable to handle. Like basic life skills like managing a household, organizing, planning, managing the children's school schedule and activities and socialization, basic self-care like going to the doctor/dentist, financial planning and budgeting. Try handling all that, and managing a "tightly wound" husband and let's see if you are also up for trying to "fix" his family relationships, all without complaint.

[Anonymous]

Preach! Spot on