Adult sibling possibly aspergers

[Anonymous]

The wife is probably overwhelmed, they probably should have stopped at two children, and if he has Asperger's or adhd, he may only be able to handle working and decompressing after work. Especially with three kids at home.

I would but out OP. It doesn't sound like your brother had the happiest childhood either, so probably not counting on any support from his birth family at all. I know how he feels.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Wow there are a lot of people making assumptions about me and my brothers’ childhood here, from very little information!!!

[Anonymous]

I’d put that as takeaway #5 on the top 5 list of advice to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d put that as takeaway #5 on the top 5 list of advice to you OP.

Ha! Love this!

[Anonymous]

If he truly has Asperger's then he neither seek or need the outside relationship and he is completely happy that way so what you would do is actually to go against the grain. You need to learn more how the Asperger's fare. Also, he it is very hard to find a partner for Asperger's people and keep the relationship is even harder. Check the statistics, and do not ruin it for him if you love him. Asperger's are very difficult to live with because they have a lot of quirks, lots of high functioning issues and
that makes them very difficult partners and hard to co-parent with. If you ever follow the many posts here you would know.
Having a wife who runs the household and him just doing what is needed and as needed is a god sent gift. I am pretty sure the reason she is not the best terms with you is because you want to help him like he is non Aspie using Neurotypical people's standards. You simply seem not to understand him, his relationship and what he needs.

I would suggest you first truly and deeply educate yourself on Asperger Marriage, and Asperger Husbands and only then
you will have some understanding what is possibly his wife dealing with. She is most likely Neurotypical and to make it work is gigantic task between the two. If you don't want him to live alone then do not interfere, what you are trying to do is fixing what does not seem to be broken just because you feel like it is.

I am pretty sure that when you will listen more to his wife, just listen, and hear and use the knowledge from the books and possibly therapy to learn about your brother, then you might get a new friend. She might like you if she senses that you know what she is dealing with because at this point you seem like you only care about our brother and not his family and also what you are trying to do is most likely leading to some conflict between them and I am pretty sure this is the last thing they need.

Aspies are not Neurotypical, they do not share the same needs or wants so you trying to want what you want is like
him trying to make you want what he does. He is not forcing you to drop your friends, so why are you forcing him to make some? It is like this.. a duck is a duck and a cat is a cat, duck loves to swim, cat does not, so if you are forcing a cat to swim, you will end up scratched, cat will end up wet or dead. Let him be. Show support and that is all they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he truly has Asperger's then he neither seek or need the outside relationship and he is completely happy that way so what you would do is actually to go against the grain. You need to learn more how the Asperger's fare. Also, he it is very hard to find a partner for Asperger's people and keep the relationship is even harder. Check the statistics, and do not ruin it for him if you love him. Asperger's are very difficult to live with because they have a lot of quirks, lots of high functioning issues and
that makes them very difficult partners and hard to co-parent with. If you ever follow the many posts here you would know.
Having a wife who runs the household and him just doing what is needed and as needed is a god sent gift. I am pretty sure the reason she is not the best terms with you is because you want to help him like he is non Aspie using Neurotypical people's standards. You simply seem not to understand him, his relationship and what he needs.

I would suggest you first truly and deeply educate yourself on Asperger Marriage, and Asperger Husbands and only then
you will have some understanding what is possibly his wife dealing with. She is most likely Neurotypical and to make it work is gigantic task between the two. If you don't want him to live alone then do not interfere, what you are trying to do is fixing what does not seem to be broken just because you feel like it is.

I am pretty sure that when you will listen more to his wife, just listen, and hear and use the knowledge from the books and possibly therapy to learn about your brother, then you might get a new friend. She might like you if she senses that you know what she is dealing with because at this point you seem like you only care about our brother and not his family and also what you are trying to do is most likely leading to some conflict between them and I am pretty sure this is the last thing they need.

Aspies are not Neurotypical, they do not share the same needs or wants so you trying to want what you want is like
him trying to make you want what he does. He is not forcing you to drop your friends, so why are you forcing him to make some? It is like this.. a duck is a duck and a cat is a cat, duck loves to swim, cat does not, so if you are forcing a cat to swim, you will end up scratched, cat will end up wet or dead. Let him be. Show support and that is all they need.



Thanks pp that is helpful!

[Anonymous]

Asperger's runs in my husband's family. My husband is very much like your brother. He likes it that way. Introversion is a real thing. He hates talking to people and does as little of it as possible, professionally and privately.

His wife probably snipes at your brother because living with an Aspie can be exhausting and lonely. Your brother is probably on edge because he has a full house and that's not conducive to Aspie relaxation

There's nothing you need to do, OP. He'll feel more relaxed when the kids are grown and out of his hair.

Take it easy, OP. Your brother's wife is the one suffering in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Asperger's runs in my husband's family. My husband is very much like your brother. He likes it that way. Introversion is a real thing. He hates talking to people and does as little of it as possible, professionally and privately.

His wife probably snipes at your brother because living with an Aspie can be exhausting and lonely. Your brother is probably on edge because he has a full house and that's not conducive to Aspie relaxation

There's nothing you need to do, OP. He'll feel more relaxed when the kids are grown and out of his hair.

Take it easy, OP. Your brother's wife is the one suffering in this situation.

This is helpful too, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP should offer more of her childcare, housekeeping and scheduling services to her brothers family, to make up for his deficits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP should offer more of her childcare, housekeeping and scheduling services to her brothers family, to make up for his deficits.

I have! Sil wants nothing of it. She doesn’t trust me or DH to watch the kids out of her sight. She also won’t ever leave the kids at my parents (next town over) for a sleepover. Her kids are early to upper elementary so totally doable. I have kids the same age so I dunno?! Anyway let’s stop with the assumptions everyone. This is out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP should offer more of her childcare, housekeeping and scheduling services to her brothers family, to make up for his deficits.

I have! Sil wants nothing of it. She doesn’t trust me or DH to watch the kids out of her sight. She also won’t ever leave the kids at my parents (next town over) for a sleepover. Her kids are early to upper elementary so totally doable. I have kids the same age so I dunno?! Anyway let’s stop with the assumptions everyone. This is out of control.

Same here. My spouse, both his parents and his brother all have aspergers and all are no longer babysitters or caretakers of our children. They have no common sense or judgment. So they do not get to watch anyone’s kids. Even if MIL is “having a good day,” she can’t watch two kids plus manager her husband and live at home adult son and my husband popping about and cook, clean, maintain her house or (god forbid) this one. They are literally on another planet.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you or your parents get your brother help, ideally when he was still living at home? Early intervention and behavioral therapy is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult sibling doing well by many accounts (job, family) but maintains NO relationships outside of his domineering wife, three young kids, and my parents (reluctantly — through work circumstances he needs to see them every day). He thinks He is doing great but has always been a little off, I don’t know. Anyway our relationship had totally halted because he is unresponsive. His wife is very reluctantly responsive to me and my DH. My parents tell me that his coworker (a childhood friend) confided in them that my brother seeks out absolutely nobody for social or even conversational stuff. His wife likes to denigrate him and is very short with him. He is always super tightly wound. I feel bad for him but I suspect there’s nothing to do to try to get him help to address whatever mental state he’s in? His wife seems to have selected him as a partner so that she could be in charge and at the same time complain about how he sucks at stuff, which makes me sad.

Op, you are not your brother. Being an introvert isn’t necessarily a sign of autism. I think you’ve been watching too much tv. There is nothing you can do if he doesn’t want to be extroverted. Why should it make you feel bad? Let that go. You can’t CONTROL other people. Work on that issue within yourself and stop gossiping/fixating/worrying about your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP should offer more of her childcare, housekeeping and scheduling services to her brothers family, to make up for his deficits.

I have! Sil wants nothing of it. She doesn’t trust me or DH to watch the kids out of her sight. She also won’t ever leave the kids at my parents (next town over) for a sleepover. Her kids are early to upper elementary so totally doable. I have kids the same age so I dunno?! Anyway let’s stop with the assumptions everyone. This is out of control.

Duh.