give me tips for surviving being married to a workaholic

[Anonymous]

No need for the "didn't you know this before you married him" comments. I was naive to believe the promises he made about just doing this until X point in time (we had a certain amount of money, what had a kid, whatever) so here we are

Also no need for the "you wouldn't want to give up the lifestyle, you just want to complain" comments - I make $200k+ with reasonable hours, we both have the same advanced degree, we could have a lovely / more than necessary lifestyle on 2 salaries like mine

I've read up some on the topic and how workaholics act like addicts resonates with me. I don't want to divorce because I don't think my kids would be better off (I can provide them with stability and a happy home life now, they wouldn't have that shuttling between 2 houses and a rotating cast of people putting them to bed at his house) and I want to enjoy the time we do have together vs holding a lot of resentment.

Any and all tips appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Friends and meaningful activities seem like winners.

You can of course spend a lot of meaningful time with children sans spouse.

But, both my spouse and I are workaholics, so perhaps not super well suited to give advice....

Also, maybe there is some value to his world view, perhaps not for you, but for the world. I had a friend who i thought was a work a holic, who ended up winning a Nobel prize

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No need for the "didn't you know this before you married him" comments. I was naive to believe the promises he made about just doing this until X point in time (we had a certain amount of money, what had a kid, whatever) so here we are

Also no need for the "you wouldn't want to give up the lifestyle, you just want to complain" comments - I make $200k+ with reasonable hours, we both have the same advanced degree, we could have a lovely / more than necessary lifestyle on 2 salaries like mine

I've read up some on the topic and how workaholics act like addicts resonates with me. I don't want to divorce because I don't think my kids would be better off (I can provide them with stability and a happy home life now, they wouldn't have that shuttling between 2 houses and a rotating cast of people putting them to bed at his house) and I want to enjoy the time we do have together vs holding a lot of resentment.

Any and all tips appreciated.

Create your own life for you and the kids without him. This means you emotionally detach from him/emotionally divorce, but that's one way. And I'd start setting myself up for an eventual divorce when the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

You have to come to peace with it.
For me and the kids, we just function on our own/do our own thing and I consider DH a "weekend dad" as he isnt around during the kids' waking hours during the week. I liken it to dh being on a business trip - totally solo parenting.
Having said that, it can be exhausting and resentment can snowball (especially when dh sleeps in on the weekend for exams. Gerrrr). So make sure you have built in respites for yourself and can recharge routinely. Easier said than done, I know.

Have you talked to dh? What is his perspective?

[Anonymous]

Wanna trade? My husband is home ALL. THE. TIME. I did not sign up for this. I literally never have the house to myself. And he thinks dinner is spaghetti and canned sauce, so I don't even get the trade-off of less work at home.

[Anonymous]

Get hobbies and create a rich life for yourself and your kids, that DH can dip into when he's available.

Make sure he's not the one bringing all the fun or excitement into the family.

Have a schedule so when he comes home, he can see where everyone is up to in the routine and jump in.

[Anonymous]

Create your own life. Don't expect help or him to show up. Just schedule your life and make it a good life for the kids. Sadly, it won't change, but don't fight about it or be angry. Let it go. The anger only hurts you.

[Anonymous]

Wasn’t there a post awhile ago about caring less made her marriage stronger?

Stop expecting anything. Expectations are a killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanna trade? My husband is home ALL. THE. TIME. I did not sign up for this. I literally never have the house to myself. And he thinks dinner is spaghetti and canned sauce, so I don't even get the trade-off of less work at home.

Not OP, but I would trade.
We recently moved for my husband’s job, so I don’t have any friends or family around. My kids are little, and the oldest has some behavior problems and was just diagnosed with autism.
I am very lonely.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids and did you feel this way before them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to come to peace with it.
For me and the kids, we just function on our own/do our own thing and I consider DH a "weekend dad" as he isnt around during the kids' waking hours during the week. I liken it to dh being on a business trip - totally solo parenting.
Having said that, it can be exhausting and resentment can snowball (especially when dh sleeps in on the weekend for exams. Gerrrr). So make sure you have built in respites for yourself and can recharge routinely. Easier said than done, I know.

Have you talked to dh? What is his perspective?

This is pathetic...divorce already.

[Anonymous]

I encouraged my DH to start his own business and former workaholic now works maybe 30 hours a week managing it. I work 40+ hours but my willingness to support us on one salary has made this happen.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be available 2x a week between 5-8 pm and at least a 4 hour window on the weekend. I also suggest weekend getaways 3-4x a year. When is the last time DH had the kids for the entire weekend ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be available 2x a week between 5-8 pm and at least a 4 hour window on the weekend. I also suggest weekend getaways 3-4x a year. When is the last time DH had the kids for the entire weekend ?

With someone like her DH and the money they have, I'd bet he would just hire a babysitter for those hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I encouraged my DH to start his own business and former workaholic now works maybe 30 hours a week managing it. I work 40+ hours but my willingness to support us on one salary has made this happen.

All depends. My best friends DH has his own business too but it's made him an even worse workaholic, even though he certainly doesn't need to keep taking on so many clients.