give me tips for surviving being married to a workaholic

[Anonymous]

I am married to a workaholic. A serious workaholic. Not usually home before 8 or 9, away 50% of the time and frequently having to do work on weekends.

When the kids were tiny it used to get me down as I felt I was very much alone. But that was in itself a symptom of having small kids and very disrupted sleep, on top of his being a workaholic.

Is he nice to you? Does he talk to you? If the answer to these is yes, then you really only have a problem in your own mind.

You need to adjust your expectations and as others have said, find other things to focus on.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

If your workaholic spouse makes a ton of money, go out and spend it on yourself and your children, if you have children.
Money CAN buy happiness...

[Anonymous]

For us, weekly dates are non-negotiable. It took sharing a few articles about the importance of weekly dates for my husband to go along with it, but he is on board now. I feel like now that we have some time together that isn’t about kids or the house and is just about us having fun together, it makes our time apart a non-issue. It’s also helpful that my husband prioritizes quality time with the kids. They know he truly loves them and the time they spend together and they don’t feel deprived of his attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your workaholic spouse makes a ton of money, go out and spend it on yourself and your children, if you have children.
Money CAN buy happiness...

That is one of the saddest sentences I've ever read

[Anonymous]

I would send him this article and ask him what he thinks

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/i-worked-too-much-while-kids-care-and-feeding.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your workaholic spouse makes a ton of money, go out and spend it on yourself and your children, if you have children.
Money CAN buy happiness...

That is one of the saddest sentences I've ever read

I don’t know, I married for love but make more than DH; is he out of shape, gotten crabby and cynical in old age, and if I saw him less and had loads of money I think we would be both happier and I would love him more (absence makes the heart grow fonder!)

[Anonymous]

It’s hard. I have talked to him about it, but he gets defensive, twists my words, and it becomes a fight. I don’t know how he can have such little insight.

A few weeks ago, my 7 year old made a toast at dinner to “our very special guest...dad.” The older kids went totally silent. DH said nothing for about 10 seconds. Then we all clinked glasses, DH thanked him for the toast and said he was glad to be home, and no one mentioned it again.

[Anonymous]

My husband isn’t a workaholic, but is addicted to trading/playing the market, which means he’s always too busy for us. I’d be ok with it if he actually made money, but he just loses money. Yesterday, my toddler only saw his father when it was time to FaceTime with the inlaws. Otherwise, my husband was at work or locked in his bedroom on the computer.

I try to schedule classes/play dates during the week (I mostly SAH) so that we have some fun interactions throughout the week. Honestly, I don’t think my toddler cares if my husband is around anymore. I now only schedule things that I can do/drive to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I operated as a single parent when my children were growing up. The key to happiness is to rely on yourself and make your own life with your children. You have a lot of flexibility and money to orchestrate wonderful activities and trips without having to consider his schedule because he isn’t available. If he can show up, great, but don’t count on it. In the beginning,I found the situation overwhelming. But over time I grew to love the freedom it gave me.

My kids are now in college and my husband has retired. We have ample resources to do whatever we want which is great. We enjoy each other’s company and are having a great time. Our kids are both on their own journeys and doing very well. It’s not the way I was raised or would have chosen, but you can make it work with a grateful mindset. Or, you can choose to be bitter and angry, but that helps no one.

NP here. Did you decide to work or SAH? This is something I am struggling with.

On one hand, working gives me something outside of my family life to focus on. On the other hand, I would have more flexibility to build friendships and hobbies if I were to SAH. It’s also kind of a struggle sometimes to work and care for my children without a lot of emotional, physical, or just logistical support from my husband.

My husband has dialed back but still works in an industry with long hours and weekend work (takes Sunday, Monday off) I was a SAHM in the infant/preschool years, went back to teaching full time and now I work part time in a school. I think it is the ideal job for someone with a workaholic spouse because I can get all of my errands and some "me time" in the afternoon. I have summers off so we get as much family time as possible when out child is off from school. If you can get a flexible job like that it helps. When my sister's husband was in sales and traveling/working all the time she was a part time nanny which gave her a similar set up.

[Anonymous]

A lot of workaholic men are just cheating on their wives. And no, married women with husbands in the home are not solo or single parents. It's nust the downfalls of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your workaholic spouse makes a ton of money, go out and spend it on yourself and your children, if you have children.
Money CAN buy happiness...

To some extent it can buy happiness. I can outsource things to make life easier and give me time to myself and do fun things with the kids.

But...there is a bit of emptiness. Dh misses out on a lot of school things (missed DD's choral concert, missed DS's Scout thing, etc). Abd the kids grow so fast. Dh was surprised when DS didn't his help getting his shoes on. Dh was like "when did that happen?" Um, yea, you weren't here for milestones.

No amount of money in the world can fix or replace that.

[Anonymous]

It is the values reflected in his behavior that are going to damage your children.

That his work role is more important/fulfilling than being their dad/your husband. You are teaching them vERY twisted lessons about family and how women should be treated in relationships. Think twice about what is best for your children. Harmful role models can damage them, and their values, for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard. I have talked to him about it, but he gets defensive, twists my words, and it becomes a fight. I don’t know how he can have such little insight.

A few weeks ago, my 7 year old made a toast at dinner to “our very special guest...dad.” The older kids went totally silent. DH said nothing for about 10 seconds. Then we all clinked glasses, DH thanked him for the toast and said he was glad to be home, and no one mentioned it again.

Tragic.

If you two are unable to discuss this in a constructive way, hire a professional to curate the discussion. There is LITERALLY nothing more important for your family's welfare right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I operated as a single parent when my children were growing up. The key to happiness is to rely on yourself and make your own life with your children. You have a lot of flexibility and money to orchestrate wonderful activities and trips without having to consider his schedule because he isn’t available. If he can show up, great, but don’t count on it. In the beginning,I found the situation overwhelming. But over time I grew to love the freedom it gave me.

My kids are now in college and my husband has retired. We have ample resources to do whatever we want which is great. We enjoy each other’s company and are having a great time. Our kids are both on their own journeys and doing very well. It’s not the way I was raised or would have chosen, but you can make it work with a grateful mindset. Or, you can choose to be bitter and angry, but that helps no one.

I don’t get the part about “it’s not the way I would have chosen.” You did choose it. Or you are saying you had no voice in how your family/marriage/life unfolded? Great lesson to teach your daughters, “Keep your mouth shut and make the best of it”

??!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your workaholic spouse makes a ton of money, go out and spend it on yourself and your children, if you have children.
Money CAN buy happiness...

To some extent it can buy happiness. I can outsource things to make life easier and give me time to myself and do fun things with the kids.

But...there is a bit of emptiness. Dh misses out on a lot of school things (missed DD's choral concert, missed DS's Scout thing, etc). Abd the kids grow so fast. Dh was surprised when DS didn't his help getting his shoes on. Dh was like "when did that happen?" Um, yea, you weren't here for milestones.

No amount of money in the world can fix or replace that.

agreed I think outsourcing can certainly help with the load of responsibilities and that can create more happiness and relaxation but I do think it sends a bad message to the children that their parent constantly prioritizes work over them and is totally uninvolved in their day-to-day life.