Is going down with the ship part of marriage vows?

[Anonymous]

What’s your opinion? If your spouse is struggling (mental / physical / behavioral health issue) do you view trying to stand by / support them now matter the cost to your well-being part of your vows? Or do you walk away because your well being trumps vows?

I’m not currently in this situation - just wondering what people think

[Anonymous]

Lots of things trump vows. Life is complicated. "But your vows" is something that simple people say.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on what the issues are, OP. Is this really that complicated for you?

[Anonymous]

It really depends.

[Anonymous]

I'd say going pretty far downwards is. If you're just a fair-weather friend, don't marry. But you don't have to drown. Take the last lifeboat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends.

On what?

[Anonymous]

I think that weathering the storm is expected and a good spouse will not bail due to illness. Weathering the storm may include boundaries, it may include taking time for self, it may include some really, really rough days.

Going down with the ship? I am not sure what that would look like but if it got tot he point where I wanted to kill myself or could no longer function, then I might need some space (separation even) so we could both focus on getting ourselves better.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. If your spouse is truly trying as best they can (even if their best isn't very good), then it's important to stand by them if you can manage it. If it's addiction or something that poses a serious risk to your own or kids' health or safety, that's different and you might need to support them but with boundaries and without living in the same home.

[Anonymous]

Someone unwilling to get get help who is negatively impacting the mental health of the household is not worth saving the relationship. I would not allow my spouse to affect the well-being of myself or my children.

[Anonymous]

To me, “it depends” comes down to “are they trying or are they giving up on themselves?” If they have given up on themselves for a long stretch and are not impacted by love and care to change for the better then I wouldn’t go down with the ship. Mental illness is tough and if they were really trying I’d stick around otherwise no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone unwilling to get get help who is negatively impacting the mental health of the household is not worth saving the relationship. I would not allow my spouse to affect the well-being of myself or my children.

That's a low bar. So many things can impact the well-being of yourself or your children. Going through difficult times and learning to deal with negative events and emotions is part of life and necessary to build resilience and actually have well-being. To run any time there is something difficult because it will affect the well-being of your children doesn't make sense. That act of leaving would affect their well-being.

In my extended family, there have been spouses with autoimmune disorders, spouses in accidents, spouses with cancer, spouses with depression, spouses with neurological conditions, and spouses with life altering injuries. All of these have definitely impacted the mental health and well-being of everyone in each family. it has also taught them things, brought them together and made them stronger. To think you would just bail and deprive your child of a parent and a stable home because they are impacted is so unhealthy. At some point your kids are going to have to learn how to cope with adversity and also then to deal with the abandonment of a parent.

[Anonymous]

This is the kind of black and white thinking that makes a lot of things, including relationships, fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say going pretty far downwards is. If you're just a fair-weather friend, don't marry. But you don't have to drown. Take the last lifeboat.

+1

[Anonymous]

If my husband was doing his best to correct whatever the situation was, I would stay. If he was in denial, or refusing to do some thing to make the situation better, I would probably leave.

We went through a very rough patch where my husband was out of work for almost 4 years. The reason I didn’t leave is because he worked every single day at getting a job. He wasn’t sitting around watching TV, he was on the phone and doing his best. It was a long, hard road but I really respected how hard he tried. He’s been gainfully employed for several years now.

[Anonymous]

One of my friends finally left her ex because he was not able to address his alcoholism and it spiraled to job losses and other issues. She stood by for quite a while but ultimately it wasn't healthy for her and their kids. Sadly he died a few years later of liver disease cause by the years of alcohol abuse.