When did you start talking about the future?

[Anonymous]

I love my BF very much and I know he loves me. I’m not trying to stir the pot, and I don’t want to wish away our dating time since we’re having so much fun. But, I’m starting to want to have some discussions about getting married one day and all the other bits it entails.

We’ve been together 1.5 years. We’re both in our forties and have kids. Our kids all know and like each other.

[Anonymous]

Oh, probably right about now.

[Anonymous]

OP, think about why it's important for you to be married. Many of us would not agree that it's ideal. You have the ideal, in our minds. Can you explain? If it's at-all re: financial security, make sure you are very honest with yourself that that is your reason.

[Anonymous]

Why are you in a rush to get married again? Sounds like things are good as is, what is getting married going to change for you? What are you looking for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you in a rush to get married again? Sounds like things are good as is, what is getting married going to change for you? What are you looking for?

This. Why rock the boat? Youe kids may get along better in smaller doses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, think about why it's important for you to be married. Many of us would not agree that it's ideal. You have the ideal, in our minds. Can you explain? If it's at-all re: financial security, make sure you are very honest with yourself that that is your reason.

It’s not about money as in earnings. We are both high earners and I make just a bit more if you count my bonuses. But it sure does seem silly that we spend so much time together and support two households. Two mortgages, two sets of bills, etc. Both of us are very financially stable with lots of growth potential in our careers, but we also have lots of kids to put through college and it seems wasteful to spend money supporting two houses when we could be saving more.

Add to that, that we genuinely all like each other a lot and want to spend time together and it really compounds the craziness of two houses. Our kids (even the teens) are always begging for the other’s kids to hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, think about why it's important for you to be married. Many of us would not agree that it's ideal. You have the ideal, in our minds. Can you explain? If it's at-all re: financial security, make sure you are very honest with yourself that that is your reason.

It’s not about money as in earnings. We are both high earners and I make just a bit more if you count my bonuses. But it sure does seem silly that we spend so much time together and support two households. Two mortgages, two sets of bills, etc. Both of us are very financially stable with lots of growth potential in our careers, but we also have lots of kids to put through college and it seems wasteful to spend money supporting two houses when we could be saving more.

Add to that, that we genuinely all like each other a lot and want to spend time together and it really compounds the craziness of two houses. Our kids (even the teens) are always begging for the other’s kids to hang out.

It's very, very hard on children when their parents remarry. Maintain your peace and own family culture until your kids are out of the house. After that, do what you want.

Saving money is a terrible reason to marry, or for that matter to live together.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children? If they are preteen or teen I’d start to feel them out about the two families doing together. If they are positive about I’d start talking about it with your BF.

[Anonymous]

Wasteful? Ok, I get it (I was the one who asked) Op, I think you frame it that way. Ask him if he thinks it's wasteful. Your answer at 13:51 has many valid points. Say it. Say it to him, though maybe cut it down to just a few sentences. Then, don't mention it again anytime soon because he will really need that to sink in. Again, you have valid points. And they aren't overly emotional or needy.

[Anonymous]

Wait until the kids are gone to get married. I promise you that the Brady Bunch scenario you describe won’t last and that combining the 2 families under one roof will place significant stress on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

I’m not divorced and still married with 3 kids. I don’t think I would ever remarry if I were to get divorced.

Why are you in a rush?

[Anonymous]

It is much much better for all involved to hold off on co-habitating for a bit LONGER than really needed, than to rush into it.

So think of the money you are each spend to run separate households, not as wasted, but as invested. Invested in your children. They each have a family home to spend quality time with their one parent. Yes, they enjoy visits with the "extra" family, but it is a HUGELY different thing when the extra family lives in your home.

We were all out of the house when my parents each moved on. My dad remarried and it instantly made his house feel...different and awkward. Now, I dont' think he should have put this off because of his adult kid's feeling about it. But I do think he didn't realize he should have put in some extra effort to see us without the new wife *sometimes*. My mother also found a new partner, but while they've been together over 15 years, they have never moved in together. Their relationship is ideal on SO many levels. They kept things tidy and apart. His stuff will go to his kids, my mom's stuff to her kids. Sometimes he hosts his kids at his house and I don't even see them. Sometimes we all get together. Sometimes I get my mom alone (this is so vital!).

Anyhow. If my mom had wanted to live with him, she would have, no matter my feelings on the matter. But just offering you the perspective of the kid who was a teenager when my parents split (13) and recoupled (roughly 18 or so).

[Anonymous]

When I remarried we started talking about it after we'd been dating a little over a year. Maybe 14 months. And then we talked about it for another 10 months or so before we told the kids it was going to happen in about six months.

I think it was good that we sat with the idea for a while - it gave us time to iron out how we'd handle things as a couple, as step-parents, as people who didn't want to wind up divorced a second time, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I remarried we started talking about it after we'd been dating a little over a year. Maybe 14 months. And then we talked about it for another 10 months or so before we told the kids it was going to happen in about six months.

I think it was good that we sat with the idea for a while - it gave us time to iron out how we'd handle things as a couple, as step-parents, as people who didn't want to wind up divorced a second time, etc.

I’m the OP. This really resonates with me. I am not in a huge hurry to make the changes at this moment, but I do want to get there someday. I do think that the idea will need to put out there and just sit for a while between the two of us. I have the bigger house that can hold 6 kids whereas his cannot. So I don’t think that me bringing it up is reasonable.

Kids are ages 13-6. All boys.

And to the PP who said I use too many words-guilty! Thanks for the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I remarried we started talking about it after we'd been dating a little over a year. Maybe 14 months. And then we talked about it for another 10 months or so before we told the kids it was going to happen in about six months.

I think it was good that we sat with the idea for a while - it gave us time to iron out how we'd handle things as a couple, as step-parents, as people who didn't want to wind up divorced a second time, etc.

I’m the OP. This really resonates with me. I am not in a huge hurry to make the changes at this moment, but I do want to get there someday. I do think that the idea will need to put out there and just sit for a while between the two of us. I have the bigger house that can hold 6 kids whereas his cannot. So I don’t think that me bringing it up is reasonable.

Kids are ages 13-6. All boys.

And to the PP who said I use too many words-guilty! Thanks for the feedback.

I do think me bringing it up is reasonable! Sorry