DS just revealed he is being bullied at school

[Anonymous]

This all came out last night when getting ready for school after the 2 week extended break. He is in middle school--apparently there is a group of kids that makes fun of him during recess and the other day on the sledding hill a kid called him a "queer-butt" or faggot or some such nastiness.
Apparently one of the main instigators is in 6 of his classes, therefore our advice to "stay away from the kid" is pretty hard.
I am typing this while trying to fight back tears--he is in an extremely diverse public school though race does not appear to be an issue in the situation. What should I do--go to administration? send him to private school? enroll him in karate? move?
I know our public school system has very strict anti-bullying rules, I but do not know how effective they are in practice. Our school has a pretty good administration but they are battling issues with low test scores, etc. , and I don't know how responsive they would be to this issue.
My heart is breaking--does anyone have experience with similar issues ? Any advice/support would be welcome!

[Anonymous]

I don't have any words of advice. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. My kids are young (oldest is 4 yo) and I was told in kind of an offhand way that my son was being picked on a little. It broke my heart and it isn't nearly as bad as actual bullying.

Best of luck. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so that kids could look into the future and see how the bullies/mean kids tend to turn out later in life...

[Anonymous]

I would call the Assistant Principal today and schedule a meeting to talk about the bullying that is occurring.

The bully is creating a hostile learning environment and the school needs to do something about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry this is happening to your little guy. It's so heart wrenching. I agree with the advice to immediately contact the vice principal.

[Anonymous]

Last year we had a pretty significant bullying problem with my son. For a variety of reasons, most of which don't matter, he didn't tell me about it until it was really bad. One of the reasons was that he thought he would be in trouble because the bullying caused him to be in violation of some school rules. In reality, he would not have been in trouble because it was not his fault. But, kids don't think rationally under these circumstances.

One of the problems we faced was that because things had gone on for months, some issues that came out were unable to be dealt with because of the passage of time. Then, when new issues arose, in the beginning, I didn't feel that enough was being done to keep my son safe. So, I informed the principal that either she could keep my son safe or I would call the police on every child that picked on my kid and she could explain to their parents why she did not control her school. This did the trick - but only because the school knew I was dead serious and would follow through. I also set up regular meeting with the principal and guidance counselor last year so that we could discuss problems my son was having and strategies to make him more successful in school.

Anyway, as for words of advice, here are some of the things I learned. I know my son has been a victim so I make it a point to have regular conversations where episodes of bullying will come out. I don't ask him directly because he wouldn't tell me and he might not even recognize when he is being mistreated. One hundred percent of the time, I address any incidents the next business day with a call to the principal and, if necessary a follow up meeting. I don't even let the most minor of infractions go unanswered if it is bullying. My son needs to know that I will take care of him. Now, that doesn't mean that each mean thing that gets said to him warrants a call to the principal. But, if I don't think something is bullying, I will explain why.

One thing I learned is that before I answer any questions or accept that my son might be part of the problem, I check with my son to be sure I am not inadvertantly placing blame on him or accepting a benign explanation for some other kid's bad behavior.

The last piece of advice I can offer is that I keep in close communication with the principal, teachers and guidance counselor.

Good luck to you. I hope it gets better for your son.

[Anonymous]

OP here,
Thanks for all the responses. I think our first tendency is just to move or change schools, but I've always felt it's best to face problems upfront, so the advice of meeting with the Assistant Principal is a good one. My son states the bullying started last year, and I know we can't do anything about what happened in the past. To the mom whose son had been bullied in the past, how is your son doing now? I'm so sorry any child has to experience this. It's wonderful that you have taken such an active role in protecting your son.DH and I just need to compose ourselves before we meet with anyone. I'm also doing research on the anti-bullying guidelines in our county. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

My son experienced several episodes of bullying at school (elementary and middle school).
You have to get his school involved.
We are in Montgomery County. I actually found the school counselors were very helpful in dealing with the problem.

[Anonymous]

I would switch schools. Why force your kid to face it head-on? Other children are so cruel. I remember being bullied in seventh grade; I cried every day in the morning before school and begged my mom to not make me go. She tried talking to the principal, meeting with the other girls' moms (who were bullying me), and practically everything else possible... and ultimately, I was going to switch to a neighboring school, but my dad took a job out of state and we moved over the summer. I was never bullied again. I would not force your child to go and face the bullies every day. They're not going to stop.

[Anonymous]

Kids are cruel at this age. I would start with the guidance counselors as well- I have found the counselors at our school to be very helpful in addressing issues.

It would be good if the bullier's parents could be involved, though depending on how involved the parents are to begin with, you wonder how much impact that will have.

I know I would want to know if my child were bullying someone and I *think* my involvment / consequences could get it to stop sooner...

[Anonymous]

17:20 here. My son is having a generally good year this year. He is still a bit nervous about things that happen and he does not always know how to perceive things. For example, early this year, he was playing basketball with another kid and the other kid knocked him down. It really scared him. Turns out that this was just an overly competitive game of basketball, not something where my son was targeted for malicious treatment. I also find that sometimes when a kid says something like "you're stupid" or you like baby things, my son is nervous that he is going to then become a victim of the person who says this. So, the bullying had it's longer term effects.

As to moving your son, there is no way that you can find a situation that you can guarantee that he will not get picked on, especially if he has a not so mainstream personality. And, you can't move him repeatedly. I think my son is in for a few more years of difficulty because he is, for lack of a better word, quirky. The important thing is to work with the school.

Finally, I wanted to believe that the parents of the kids who picked on my son would want to know, but it's not what happened in our case. The parents tried to blame my son and, while I won't recount the stories because I don't want too much personal information about my family on this site, I can tell you that under no circumstances can the blame be shifted.

[Anonymous]

17:20 Did you keep your son at the same school? If so, how is he doing with those children (the original bullies) now?

[Anonymous]

17:20 here. Yes, he's at the same school. He is not in the same grade as the kids who bullied him and, as far as I know, he does not have interaction with any of the kids who were involved in the bullying - nor do I have interaction anymore with those kids' moms, but that's another story. One of the interventions was to separate the grades for recess and lunch. Also, the school put into place more supervision on the playground and lunchroom.

[Anonymous]

DD was bullied in middle school and also waited until things were bad before telling us. I spoke to the principal who asked me to to put everything in writing. The bully had been bothering other kids and the school wanted documentation to proceed. Apparently, no other parent had called to complain. Long story short, the school and counselor intervened and the things turned around. OP - don't switch schools. Your kid needs to learn how to handle situations like this. Talk to the principal and a teacher you like. Chances are they already know about it.

[Anonymous]

Our child was targeted by a bully at a DC public middle school earlier this year. We spoke with the guidance counselor and had our child speak with the counselor as well, to describe what was going on. She immediately took action and addressed the issue with the bullying child. The bullying child stopped the behavior and actually apologized to my child. According to my child all is better. We know to ask and check up now, but I do believe that the situation improved and that it helped our kid to understand what bullying is and what to do about it. OPs mention of the "sledding hill" makes me wonder if it is the same school. Try the guidance department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would switch schools. Why force your kid to face it head-on? Other children are so cruel. I remember being bullied in seventh grade; I cried every day in the morning before school and begged my mom to not make me go. She tried talking to the principal, meeting with the other girls' moms (who were bullying me), and practically everything else possible... and ultimately, I was going to switch to a neighboring school, but my dad took a job out of state and we moved over the summer. I was never bullied again. I would not force your child to go and face the bullies every day. They're not going to stop.

I agree with this.