DS just revealed he is being bullied at school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would switch schools. Why force your kid to face it head-on? Other children are so cruel.

I agree with this.

I disagree. Moving a child as a first reaction is over-reacting- it should be last resort. Bullies are everywhere, you should at least give the school and their parents the opportunity to address the issue.

[Anonymous]

I watched part of PBS Emotional Life show this week (they may repeat it if you are interested). They talked about bullying quite a bit. Here is a link they provide. Hope it helps:

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/bullying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched part of PBS Emotional Life show this week (they may repeat it if you are interested). They talked about bullying quite a bit. Here is a link they provide. Hope it helps:

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/bullying

I saw that too. It stressed the importance of each school having a zero-tolerance policy for bullying and how teachers and students need to be trained to speak up whenever they see bullying because it affects everyone. Silence means one is complicit.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would switch schools. Why force your kid to face it head-on? Other children are so cruel. I remember being bullied in seventh grade; I cried every day in the morning before school and begged my mom to not make me go. She tried talking to the principal, meeting with the other girls' moms (who were bullying me), and practically everything else possible... and ultimately, I was going to switch to a neighboring school, but my dad took a job out of state and we moved over the summer. I was never bullied again. I would not force your child to go and face the bullies every day. They're not going to stop.

I agree with this.

I think schools's anti-bullying policies have and the strategies they have to work with have improved a whole lot since the days when I was in middle school. No, not every school uses them; and even today some school administrators and counsellors may still look the other way and so on. But give them a chance.

OP, did you contact the Assistant Principal?

[Anonymous]

OP here again,

Thank-you again to everyone who has taken the time to reply. Your support is wonderful. I have not contacted the administrator yet--part of this is downright procrastination, but also bad timing--both my kids have been home sick from school this week so our schedule is thrown off. I've downloaded the anti-bullying info from the school's website, now I just need to talk with my son to get names, dates and other supporting information. I am planning to call tomorrow--to the moms who have experienced this and contacted the school--did you let your child know what you were doing? I know if I bring it up he will beg me not to, but I am determined to take this step.
Again thanks for everything.

[Anonymous]

OP, we haven't had to deal with bullying so I don't have relevant advice.

I did have to help my son deal with a different school related issue, though. The thought that helped me with him was this: When kids are little, you need to solve their problems for them. As they grow older, our job is to teach them the process for approaching and solving problems. We model them, talk them through it, and do some parts of it; but the overall goal is teach them how to do it.

I'm not saying that a child needs to solve the bullying by himself. But I'm thinking that your role as a parent is to take the bullying seriously, and talk to him about it, brainstorm next steps and possible outcomes, and try to figure out a plan of action that he agrees to. Let him know you are absolutely in his corner. This bullying behavior is unacceptable to you and you will try to do what it takes to get an acceptable soluton. That you think the best course of action is to work through the school, because they have policies against it and are required to take action. Ask what his concerns are about you doing that. Explain that leaving school and going elsewhere might be an option at some point, but explain your reasons why that's not the first option. Mostly, just talk about it. But it is good that you have read some anti-bullying stuff first, to give him a sense that the situation might not be hopeless. You don't want toleave him with a feeling that there's not much anyone can do about it. In fact, I'd tell him that straight out.

"Back when I was in school, if bullying happened at middle school, the teachers and administrators generally didn't do much about it. they just didn't think it really was that important. From what I understand, that thinking has changed nowadays. But I'm not sure if it really has changed at your school. So I want to go talk to the principal and see what they say, what ideas they have. I want you to remember thoug that your dad and I are in your cornerr. We don't think it is acceptable for those kids to talk to you, or anyone that way."

The other thing I learned through going through my issue with my son, is that it is OK to tell your child,"I've never been in this situation before, and I don't really know what to do. But I promise you I will learn about it from people who do know about it, and talk to people about it, and I will listen to you and your feelings, too."

You can also tell him that there are big problems in life, and ledium problems, and little problems. And that you will move heaven and earth to help him with the big problems, you will work with him to get medium problems solved, and you will teach him skills to handle the small problems, or you might even ask him to just live with the small problems. But that he gets to help decide which problems are big, and which are small.

[Anonymous]

This is tough at the Middle School age, because students are less influenced by adults and authority figures. I would raise the issue with the principal and see if the school can't hold an antibullying session.

[Anonymous]

OP here,
OK, I'm planning to call the school today. Apparently there is one boy in particular who is taunting him--telling my son that he is fat, a nerd and it seems things are escalating--the other day the boy gave my son the finger and called him "b***h". My son said he thinks some of his own friends are staying away from him because of the bully. Sad thing is, the boy involved has a very sweet mom. His dad is quiet, I have no idea what he is like. I would love to be able to approach them one-on-one, but as previous posters have mentioned, one never knows how other parents will react in issues relating to their own child. Am I doing the right thing in going to administration? Intellectually I know I am, but I'm also afraid of things getting worse for my boy.
Thank-you, thank-you again.

[Anonymous]

Oh my. Good luck, let us know how things go.

[Anonymous]

I would go to the school administration first because it's uncertain how the bully's parents will respond and if they will make a difference. What if they are defensive and argumentative? You don't want to open up another problem there. Go to the school people, get the facts on the table, then meet with the parents and kids together. This way it's the school that is setting and enforcing the rules, not you alone.

In my DD's class, the mean girl's parents are very nice. Other parents spoke to them directly and they were so sad and kind about it all. They said they talked to their daughter but nothing changed. It improved when it was brought to the school's attention and they had a meeting with all the parents and kids involved. The school set clear rules and expectations for the kids and the teachers were involved with it. Then there was a class meeting to re-teach the bullying policy to everyone.

Don't lose hope. This can get better. I know there are good stories about bullying written by the American Girl series. They emphasis telling grown-ups and the kids sticking together when you see someone being bullied. When kids stick together the lone bully loses power. Unfortunately I don't know a boy-book about bullying. Maybe someone can name one?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You need to go to the principal, because this bullying and teasing and taunting and name calling is happening on school grounds. The school needs to be involved. They can't do anything about it, if they don't know it is happening. You can't ignore it. It will just get worse for your son. If they can't solve it, you will need them to transfer your son to a shcool where the principal can maintain a positive climate. So you have to talk to the school administration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,
OK, I'm planning to call the school today. Apparently there is one boy in particular who is taunting him--telling my son that he is fat, a nerd and it seems things are escalating--the other day the boy gave my son the finger and called him "b***h". My son said he thinks some of his own friends are staying away from him because of the bully. Sad thing is, the boy involved has a very sweet mom. His dad is quiet, I have no idea what he is like. I would love to be able to approach them one-on-one, but as previous posters have mentioned, one never knows how other parents will react in issues relating to their own child. Am I doing the right thing in going to administration? Intellectually I know I am, but I'm also afraid of things getting worse for my boy.
Thank-you, thank-you again.

You are doing the right thing to call the school. These things can escalate very quickly- fighting can turn to fighting with weapons, etc. You are doing the right thing by addressing- I think unaddressed issues have the potential to escalate faster.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes, I think that you should tell your son that you are going to call the school. It's important that you keep communication open between the two of you. Be thankful that he told you. I never told my mom anything because I knew she would immediately call the school and not talk with me first.

If he doesn't want you to talk to them, tell him things will improve, and this is the only way. Also tell him if they don't improve soon like you expect, that you will move him to another school as a last resort. Tell him that you love him and that you are PROUD of him for telling you. You don't want him to feel bad about himself for telling you.

It will also help if you tell your son that the jerks aren't going to get far in life treating people badly.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I meant that is important to keep communication open between you and your son.

[Anonymous]

Be careful how you approach the school. Talk in facts and stay calm. They have a responsibility to the other kid, too (even if he is a little prick). For all you know at this point, they've been working with him for years.

Anyway, the point of this isn't to diminish what your son says is happening, but to suggest that talk to the school in a way that doesn't make them defensive. This isn't about being right, but about getting the administration to work with you and help solve your problem. The old honey v vinegar thing.