s/o "intensive parenting" - do you do it?
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Anonymous
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This came up in the other thread and I am interested in this idea.
Would you say your parenting style falls into this category? What kinds of activities/attitudes would you say are "intense"? Are we talking like Tiger Moms? The reason I'm confused is because some people in there were talking as if having dinner together every night, reading every night and playing card or board games, taking your kids to activities a few times a week, taking them out for fun or enriching excursions every weekend, going out to dinner a lot, lots of vacations, etc. would be categorized as "intensive parenting' but isn't all that just par for the course for UMC parents and has been since like the 80s at least? |
Anonymous
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Intensive parenting is what we’ve done with our child with low processing speed, ADHD and learning disabilities: therapies, coaching, tutors, and more importantly, morning til night vigilance on our part. It’s exhausting. Our other kids have a full schedule of activities, but the mental burden of care is not anywhere near what we provide to our child with ADHD. |
Anonymous
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I was intense with my oldest who was born 11.5 years ago. It was kinda the advent of google and having all the answers (and opinions ie parenting message boards) at your fingertips. I wanted to do everything perfect with this child. No tv. Organic food. Montessori was the new thing. Baby swim lessons. Baby Einstein was a big deal. Baby sign language was a big deal. Kindermusic. Gymboree.
With the second born and really let up. |
Anonymous
| Intensive parenting = putting extras, not needs, above all else. Parents need adult social time and are entitled to some life outside of work not dictated by kids' activities |
Anonymous
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I would describe “intensive parenting” as the mistaken belief that to be a good parent you must forgo your needs. Ex: you are starving but your child wants to play with you - so you play. Too many mothers think that this makes them a good mother. A child needs to develop a theory of mind where he understands that other people have needs and desires. It’s good to tell your child that you don’t want to play with something or that you need to eat or sleep or that something they want to do hurts your body!
It’s so important that your child sees you as another human being like him. It’s the stepping stone to empathy. |
Anonymous
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I think of intensive parenting more as the effort to have total emotional control over yourself so you are always calm and supportive with your child: "Larla, when you hit me, I feel bad. What can we do to help you have gentle hands?" Rather than "OMG, why would you just hit me in the face! Go to your room!" And, jumping up to meet the needs of kids first, so leaving the table and your own plate to get Hester more sliced strawberries rather than saying, "I'm eating right now, but you can get the strawberries or I'll get them when I finish my food"
The above examples are for elementary aged kids. I feel like I do less of the above than other parents I know, but I cater to my kid more than my parents did, and I was much more independent and capable than my child is at the same age. In terms of activities, my kid does more than I did, but there is also just more offered now than 30 or 40 years ago. Kids are bigger business for better and for worse. |
Anonymous
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No, I don't think I do. I do have an ES ASD/ADHD kid whose challenges became much more noticeable last year. This has forced me to step up my game as a parent in a way that I should have done when he was younger. But I was struggling much more back then myself, which may have contributed to his challenges. I feel bad about that, but all I can do is move forward with more awareness and understanding.
Ironically, even though I'm doing a lot of coaching, I feel like I'm more relaxed and have a decent amount of free time. Dealing with my own anxiety has helped me reshape my perspective. With both my kids, I try to maintain a balance. "I will play your game for 15 minutes, then I have to do the dishes." My DH and I also trade off taking the more challenging child to activities, so one of us can stay for suppport. |
Anonymous
| No. I have a very chill attitude about parenting. My kids are more along for the ride than the center of attention. |
Anonymous
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Your listed examples, to me, is jus normal parenting, no? Engaging, parents not distracted by their phones, kids excited to play card game instead of screentime, after dinner walks/play to burn off the wiggles before bed. Etc.
Too many labels these days just use common sense, everything in moderation, live/show by example, and choose your battles generally the go-to. |
Anonymous
No it’s not “normal” to play cards and take a walk every weeknight. |
Anonymous
My “normal” childhood (which I cherish every memory of) was being on our own to play (my parents NEVER played with us), dinner together every night, tv then bed. My parents never read to us, never took us on walks, never took us to the park (there was one a block away we were free to walk to ourselves), not too much interaction from them. But I never felt like they should be doing any of that - all my friends were in the same boat. |
Anonymous
Agree. That's intense. |
Anonymous
Yeah I would label that intense although I try to play at least once per week. I’ll take the toddler to the park on any warm day in the summer....teacher here. |
Anonymous
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We do it only when we get an e-mail from a teacher a la that the DC said he is tried. We talk to DC about it and send him to bed earlier. He spends a lot of his time in school and does 1 extra 3 times a week. We started to read 2 books at night since he goes to bed much earlier now, but nothing else.
Most of the extras we do just happen to come with DC. DC asked about Harry Potter and we watched it. He discovered Uno game and we played it. Lots of his info does come from internet or form other kids from school. Not really sure what is beneficial for him that we should push other than the Spanish he takes 3 times a week. |
Anonymous
| Eh most parents are intense about their “thing”, whether that is RIE narrating everything Larlo does, or furiously checking every ingredient on Larla’s granola bars or doing Kumon at 3. There’s the anti-screen time parents whose “thing” is cover their children’s eyes and then post smugly on their page on Facebook about it. I’m pretty intense by some standards about my children’s education (early readers, accelerated math and foreign language at home, piano, etc.) but I don’t waste time on obsessing over their nutrition and they watch Cyberchase every night. |