s/o "intensive parenting" - do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This came up in the other thread and I am interested in this idea.

Would you say your parenting style falls into this category? What kinds of activities/attitudes would you say are "intense"?

Are we talking like Tiger Moms?

The reason I'm confused is because some people in there were talking as if having dinner together every night, reading every night and playing card or board games, taking your kids to activities a few times a week, taking them out for fun or enriching excursions every weekend, going out to dinner a lot, lots of vacations, etc. would be categorized as "intensive parenting' but isn't all that just par for the course for UMC parents and has been since like the 80s at least?

This kinda is intense, especially if you have two working parents. This basically describes always being on and engaging with your kid, and when do you get a break?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was intense with my oldest who was born 11.5 years ago. It was kinda the advent of google and having all the answers (and opinions ie parenting message boards) at your fingertips. I wanted to do everything perfect with this child. No tv. Organic food. Montessori was the new thing. Baby swim lessons. Baby Einstein was a big deal. Baby sign language was a big deal. Kindermusic. Gymboree.

With the second born and really let up.

Ha! I did all of this too with my 11 year old. I wonder if we were friends on thebump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The reason I'm confused is because some people in there were talking as if having dinner together every night, reading every night and playing card or board games, taking your kids to activities a few times a week, taking them out for fun or enriching excursions every weekend, going out to dinner a lot, lots of vacations, etc. would be categorized as "intensive parenting' but isn't all that just par for the course for UMC parents and has been since like the 80s at least?

This sounds pretty "intensive" to me. I eat dinner with my kids most nights, unless I'm traveling for work or have an event (2-5x/mo) or DH and I go out on date night (1-2x/mo)...but DH makes it home to eat with kids maybe 1 weeknight/week. One of us reads to kids every night, but we don't necessarily also play a game with them. We do a lot of fun things with them, but my goal is not "fun or enriching excursion" every weekend...I actually think there's value in kids realizing they are not the center of the universe.

I'm UMC, and I grew up UMC (born in the late 70s)...so I think I have some understanding of UMC parenting. There is a difference between engaged parenting and intensive parenting, and I think it's primarily the extent to which kids are taught to recognize that other people, including their parents, are humans with needs and other responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your listed examples, to me, is jus normal parenting, no? Engaging, parents not distracted by their phones, kids excited to play card game instead of screentime, after dinner walks/play to burn off the wiggles before bed. Etc.

Too many labels these days just use common sense, everything in moderation, live/show by example, and choose your battles generally the go-to.

No it’s not “normal” to play cards and take a walk every weeknight.

Really?? What do you do with your kids after dinner and before bed...obviously, it doesnt "have" to be a walk around the block, but dont you do something family oriented after dinner? Surely homework doesnt take that long? When do you have 1:1 time?
Is eating a 30-45 min dinner together the only family time you have in the course of 24 hr of a day?
...genuinely curious (not meaning to be snarky).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This came up in the other thread and I am interested in this idea.

Would you say your parenting style falls into this category? What kinds of activities/attitudes would you say are "intense"?

Are we talking like Tiger Moms?

The reason I'm confused is because some people in there were talking as if having dinner together every night, reading every night and playing card or board games, taking your kids to activities a few times a week, taking them out for fun or enriching excursions every weekend, going out to dinner a lot, lots of vacations, etc. would be categorized as "intensive parenting' but isn't all that just par for the course for UMC parents and has been since like the 80s at least?

Going out for multiple enriching excursions every weekend is pretty damn intensive, at least if you have a toddler or baby like me. First, you have to research and find things to do. Then you have to pack up, make sure you have plenty of snacks and diapers, etc. And you usually have to leave early AM in order to be home by naptime. Kind of sucky during your 2 days off.

Also, I don’t think going out to dinner a lot is intensive parenting - more like lazy parenting. Cooking tasty and nutritious meals at home (especially if you can get your kids to participate) is a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your listed examples, to me, is jus normal parenting, no? Engaging, parents not distracted by their phones, kids excited to play card game instead of screentime, after dinner walks/play to burn off the wiggles before bed. Etc.

Too many labels these days just use common sense, everything in moderation, live/show by example, and choose your battles generally the go-to.

No it’s not “normal” to play cards and take a walk every weeknight.

Really?? What do you do with your kids after dinner and before bed...obviously, it doesnt "have" to be a walk around the block, but dont you do something family oriented after dinner? Surely homework doesnt take that long? When do you have 1:1 time?
Is eating a 30-45 min dinner together the only family time you have in the course of 24 hr of a day?
...genuinely curious (not meaning to be snarky).

We let them play or read while we clean up the kitchen, make lunches, deal with the mail, lay out clothes, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I'm confused is because some people in there were talking as if having dinner together every night, reading every night and playing card or board games, taking your kids to activities a few times a week, taking them out for fun or enriching excursions every weekend, going out to dinner a lot, lots of vacations, etc. would be categorized as "intensive parenting' but isn't all that just par for the course for UMC parents and has been since like the 80s at least?

What you're describing sounds pretty intense to me, although I'm not familiar with the term "intensive parenting." The part about eating out and vacationing a lot doesn't make sense either -- how is that any more "parenting" than eating at home and spending time at home. If anything, it seems like less "parenting."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your listed examples, to me, is jus normal parenting, no? Engaging, parents not distracted by their phones, kids excited to play card game instead of screentime, after dinner walks/play to burn off the wiggles before bed. Etc.

Too many labels these days just use common sense, everything in moderation, live/show by example, and choose your battles generally the go-to.

No it’s not “normal” to play cards and take a walk every weeknight.

Really?? What do you do with your kids after dinner and before bed...obviously, it doesnt "have" to be a walk around the block, but dont you do something family oriented after dinner? Surely homework doesnt take that long? When do you have 1:1 time?
Is eating a 30-45 min dinner together the only family time you have in the course of 24 hr of a day?
...genuinely curious (not meaning to be snarky).

New Poster. In order to avoid putting the kids in front of the TV, I don’t cook until my spouse gets home. I have an ADD diagnosis myself so cooking + watching kids = yet another kitchen disaster. In any case, by the time we are done eating, it’s time to put the kids to bed. Oldest is 3 and doesn’t nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This came up in the other thread and I am interested in this idea.

Would you say your parenting style falls into this category? What kinds of activities/attitudes would you say are "intense"?

Are we talking like Tiger Moms?

The reason I'm confused is because some people in there were talking as if having dinner together every night, reading every night and playing card or board games, taking your kids to activities a few times a week, taking them out for fun or enriching excursions every weekend, going out to dinner a lot, lots of vacations, etc. would be categorized as "intensive parenting' but isn't all that just par for the course for UMC parents and has been since like the 80s at least?

I am confused too, what you describe (apart from the frequent vacations and going out to dinner a lot) is what we did. It mirrored what we had growing up too (in the 60’s and 70’s) Our children are now in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your listed examples, to me, is jus normal parenting, no? Engaging, parents not distracted by their phones, kids excited to play card game instead of screentime, after dinner walks/play to burn off the wiggles before bed. Etc.

Too many labels these days just use common sense, everything in moderation, live/show by example, and choose your battles generally the go-to.

No it’s not “normal” to play cards and take a walk every weeknight.

What’s normal then? We like to take an after dinner walk nightly. Feels pretty normal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do it only when we get an e-mail from a teacher a la that the DC said he is tried. We talk to DC about it and send him to bed earlier. He spends a lot of his time in school and does 1 extra 3 times a week. We started to read 2 books at night since he goes to bed much earlier now, but nothing else.
Most of the extras we do just happen to come with DC. DC asked about Harry Potter and we watched it. He discovered Uno game and we played it. Lots of his info does come from internet or form other kids from school. Not really sure what is beneficial for him that we should push other than the Spanish he takes 3 times a week.

Yeah you’re not intensive at all. This is on the low end of the parenting intensity spectrum. You only read book and put him to bed earlier when a teacher tells you to?

[Anonymous]

I’m medium high on the intensity spectrum. I read a lot of parenting books. We definitely eat dinner together as a family nearly every night at 6pm. Very healthy food and they eat what we eat. We plan something “enriching” every weekend like a kids museum, hike, canoeing, fair, parade in addition to the regular playgrounds and the library story time. We read for at least 30 minutes a night with our kids. We ask comprehension questions and we question them on whether they know certain words (larla- what’s a cupboard?). We take them on lots of weekend trips, an international trip, domestic trip and a week at Disney every year. They all clean up the playroom and do age appropriate chores.

That being said, we have tons of adult time. We have a babysitter for 7:30 every Friday nighttime after the kids are asleep (so we don’t miss time with them). I go out to happy hour or book club or dinner with friends one night a week (usually after bed). Dh has a lot of things he does too. No deprivation here. We have extremely short commutes so that’s where we gain time. And we haven’t watched tv in years because we have no time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m medium high on the intensity spectrum. I read a lot of parenting books. We definitely eat dinner together as a family nearly every night at 6pm. Very healthy food and they eat what we eat. We plan something “enriching” every weekend like a kids museum, hike, canoeing, fair, parade in addition to the regular playgrounds and the library story time. We read for at least 30 minutes a night with our kids. We ask comprehension questions and we question them on whether they know certain words (larla- what’s a cupboard?). We take them on lots of weekend trips, an international trip, domestic trip and a week at Disney every year. They all clean up the playroom and do age appropriate chores.

That being said, we have tons of adult time. We have a babysitter for 7:30 every Friday nighttime after the kids are asleep (so we don’t miss time with them). I go out to happy hour or book club or dinner with friends one night a week (usually after bed). Dh has a lot of things he does too. No deprivation here. We have extremely short commutes so that’s where we gain time. And we haven’t watched tv in years because we have no time.

Oh and I wanted to say because dcum hates this and calls me a bad parent- we go away for 9 days a year kid free. My parents watch our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would describe “intensive parenting” as the mistaken belief that to be a good parent you must forgo your needs. Ex: you are starving but your child wants to play with you - so you play. Too many mothers think that this makes them a good mother. A child needs to develop a theory of mind where he understands that other people have needs and desires. It’s good to tell your child that you don’t want to play with something or that you need to eat or sleep or that something they want to do hurts your body!

It’s so important that your child sees you as another human being like him. It’s the stepping stone to empathy.

Yes, this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This came up in the other thread and I am interested in this idea.

Would you say your parenting style falls into this category? What kinds of activities/attitudes would you say are "intense"?

Are we talking like Tiger Moms?

The reason I'm confused is because some people in there were talking as if having dinner together every night, reading every night and playing card or board games, taking your kids to activities a few times a week, taking them out for fun or enriching excursions every weekend, going out to dinner a lot, lots of vacations, etc. would be categorized as "intensive parenting' but isn't all that just par for the course for UMC parents and has been since like the 80s at least?

I am pretty much what you described. I don’t consider myself a Tiger Mom. I am very organized and was a teacher before I became a SAHM. I love reading early childhood research and I treat staying home like it is a job. When kids nap, I clean and listen to parenting books and podcasts.

I taught in a very UMC school before having kids. I have seen tiger parents and I am not one. We had one family that sold their home and moved to our district for the gifted program. Their children didn’t qualify. They were constantly practicing math, reading, and instruments with any free time they had.

When I think Tiger Mom, I think of forcing a child to practice piano or violin for hours each day and treat children who don’t excel with disdain. I am definitely a Plan B/kids do well if they can kind of mom.