I don't respect DH

[Anonymous]

I no longer respect DH, and he can tell. I don't know exactly when I lost respect for him, but it's been gone a while. I just don't admire him as a man. Having children largely contributed to it, because I've been really disappointed in the kind of dad he is, in terms of instilling values. He lets our kids talk to him any kind of way, for example, and it's just disgusting. He also doesn't take care of himself at all. Just runs himself into the ground working non-stop, for no apparent reason (we are very well off financially). Has anyone ever lost respect for their spouse but got it back? I have talked to DH about these things, but he doesn't change. I am trying to figure out if I can respect him with no changes.

[Anonymous]

Are you “very well off” because of his work?

Also, do you also have a job outside the home or is he the sole provider?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he doesn't like his family life nor parenthood, is spending as much time as possible at work to stay away from it, and is probably very depressed.

[Anonymous]

Your kids won’t respect him if you don’t. You are part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We both work. We also live simply. There is no financial reason for DH to work all the time. He feels like his is being a "strong man" by doing so. Even though that is not my idea of a strong man, and never has been.

I treat DH fine in front of the kids. When I say I don't respect him, I don't mean in terms of my treatment. I mean that I don't admire him as a man. I will always be polite to him, and I will always expect the kids to do so as well. I correct them constantly on how they treat their father, and it just a big turn off to me that as their father he doesn't insist they treat him properly.

[Anonymous]

If he can tell you don't respect him, then so can the kids. Don't fool yourself into thinking they won't be affected in some way by this unhealthy dynamic. Go to counseling and try to get to a healthier place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We both work. We also live simply. There is no financial reason for DH to work all the time. He feels like his is being a "strong man" by doing so. Even though that is not my idea of a strong man, and never has been.

I treat DH fine in front of the kids. When I say I don't respect him, I don't mean in terms of my treatment. I mean that I don't admire him as a man. I will always be polite to him, and I will always expect the kids to do so as well. I correct them constantly on how they treat their father, and it just a big turn off to me that as their father he doesn't insist they treat him properly.

I think your kids know how you feel about your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We both work. We also live simply. There is no financial reason for DH to work all the time. He feels like his is being a "strong man" by doing so. Even though that is not my idea of a strong man, and never has been.

I treat DH fine in front of the kids. When I say I don't respect him, I don't mean in terms of my treatment. I mean that I don't admire him as a man. I will always be polite to him, and I will always expect the kids to do so as well. I correct them constantly on how they treat their father, and it just a big turn off to me that as their father he doesn't insist they treat him properly.

What do you mean by "treat him properly" and how old are the kids? Are they teens saying mean things and yelling and cursing? Are they little kids "talking back"? It's not good to be in a place that you don't respect your DH, but personally, the two things you mention are not things that would make me lose respect for someone. Either I don't really understand what you're describing, or it might be possible for you to re-interpret these particular things in a way that does not cause you to lose respect for your DH. If he's just informal with the kids and lets them speak freely about their feelings even when the way they express them is less than ideal, that can build a really strong relationship between him and the kids. I don't know. I think it depends a lot on specifics that you don't describe here and how open you are to seeing value in the way that your DH understands these choices rather than clinging to the way that you understand them.

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced guy, and in my case, XW did not regain respect for me even after I changed. She basically thought I was faking it, and hadn't "really" changed, and she couldn't "unsee" the previous me even after I changed.

But that's OK, because I made the changes for myself not for the approval of then-DW.

I do know guys who managed to turn their marriages around when they stopped being fat and lazy, so it is possible. But it starts with him wanting to change. You might as well give him the "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" talk right now. That's what inspired me to change.

[Anonymous]

Once respect is gone your marriage is done.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH works all the time because he also doesn't respect you. Maybe you're the problem.

[Anonymous]

You can’t love a person you can’t respect. I believe that respect is an intrinsic value that is also earned, it’s not something you can teach yourself to inherently feel. You value the characteristics that you value; of someone doesn’t possess them, it’s difficult to negotiate changing your standards for someone else. So you’ve got a bit of a conundrum.

When I lost respect for my xh, the love was lost soon after; the marriage didn’t stand a chance. I tried to build it off of someone that didn’t change, but I couldn’t.

Maybe someone here has a secret formula on how to rebuild respect when it has been broken, and the circumstance isn’t changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I no longer respect DH, and he can tell. I don't know exactly when I lost respect for him, but it's been gone a while. I just don't admire him as a man. Having children largely contributed to it, because I've been really disappointed in the kind of dad he is, in terms of instilling values. He lets our kids talk to him any kind of way, for example, and it's just disgusting. He also doesn't take care of himself at all. Just runs himself into the ground working non-stop, for no apparent reason (we are very well off financially). Has anyone ever lost respect for their spouse but got it back? I have talked to DH about these things, but he doesn't change. I am trying to figure out if I can respect him with no changes.

Did he not have good values when you were dating him? What qualities did you respect before you had kids? I don't understand how he earned your respect enough to be a husband, but not now...unless he changed? If not, then you changed.

Maybe time to revisit your decision.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer a few questions....kids are 5 and 7. I grew up in a family where respecting your parents was a non-negotiable. In dating I really had no way to see that DH would be the kind of dad who would let the kids run all over him. It gets tiring policing the kids treatment of him. I have to look like "bad mommy" for insisting that it's not ok for the kids to slam doors or tell their dad to shut up or call him names.
When dating DH was not a workaholic at all. One of the things I loved about him was that he was similar to me in that we had great jobs, but always balanced our careers and made plenty of time for each other. I've never been very materialistic and DH says that's a part of why he fell in love with me. Now that we are married he is Mr. Work, Work, Work....to buy stuff I don't even want! I'd much rather spend time with him. The last big area that caused me to lose respect for him is just in taking care of his health. When we met DH was in good shape. He had to be for the kind of work he did. Now he does something different and does not prioritize being reasonably healthy.

[Anonymous]

He does sound depressed or low self esteem. Would he get treatment, or go for marriage counselling if you say you want to work on your relationship?

It is not good for any boys in particular to see how you feel about him.