My brothers wedding, my divorced parents

[Anonymous]

A few weeks ago my brother got married. Two years ago my parents divorced and it was very nasty (cheating, emotional abuse, financial shenanigans). My dad was very distant the night of the wedding and yesterday he confronted me about how no one came over to see him or say hi to him during the wedding. SIL (bride) put my dad and his relatives at a table across the venue from mom and her relatives. I was seated with mom. I was dancing, eating, having a great time, and it sounds stupid but every time I looked over at my dad he was talking and eating too, so I didn’t think there was such a huge issue. Apparently we (sister, mom, me) should have gone over and asked him for pictures, asked him to dance, etc.

Honestly at the time of the divorce 2 years ago my brother despised my father so in some ways he should be thankful he was invited at all. My brother is the bigger man and smoothed things over for the most part. My dad cheated and moved away. Also it was pretty rough hearing about love, family, and commitment when my cheating dad and formerly married (35 years) parents were there so maybe it was subconscious. I apologized to my dad for not coming over to his table but the more I think about it the angrier I get at the principle of the matter.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I think you were wrong not to go talk to your father, but it was perhaps understandable. You were right to apologize, but it sounds like your current anger has to do more with your anger over the divorce, rather than anything that happened at the wedding. Perhaps you need counseling to get past it.

[Anonymous]

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Why couldn't he come over and talk to you?

[Anonymous]

I think parents should always be the bigger person. Your dad should have come and talked to you. Children (even grown ones) have so much else going on in their lives that they don't realize that people who have nothing going on often nitpick at everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't he come over and talk to you?

Yeah, this. He's a little ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t talk to your dad at all?

[Anonymous]

Your dad is wrong but you have to decide what your goal is with him. Are you going for A) an authentic relationship whether close or distant where you tell him the truth? Or are you B) trying to maintain the peace for the sake of your other relatives or just to keep it easy. Both are perfectly valid imo and definitely okay to toggle back and forth.

My FIL is a lot like this with similar divorce situation and even though everyone is clearly mostly B), he will throw a childish fit to demand A), but he doesn’t really want A) at all because he doesn’t want to be accountable for his role in any of it.

If you’re in A) mode, tell him what you think. That you thought he was fine, you’re not going to split yourself in half to please him and it will take some time for him to settle into his new role. Practice or write it in a letter if you want.

If you’re in B) mode, apologize lightly and deflect. You don’t have to grovel insincerely, just say what he wants and move on. Don’t get dragged into an argument about it. Stay on the surface and be cheerful/concerned. It’s insincere but it’s strategic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents should always be the bigger person. Your dad should have come and talked to you. Children (even grown ones) have so much else going on in their lives that they don't realize that people who have nothing going on often nitpick at everything.

+1000 I see this with my parents constantly now. The same parents whose own parents did it to them, and they swore they would never be like that. And here we are, them doing the exact same thing. As stated above, I believe they don't have enough other things going on in their lives to distract them from destructive rumination.

OP, I think your dad, who is clearly in the wrong, is trying to find ways to "justify" in his own mind how he ISN'T so wrong about all he did, or that others' wrongs in some way justify his wrongs. Not sure that made sense!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't he come over and talk to you?

Yeah, this. He's a little ridiculous.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't he come over and talk to you?

Yeah, this. He's a little ridiculous.

+1

The burden is on the douchebag to make amends in a particular situation. It's obvious why you all would have been a bit standoffish. He knows why and is turning it around on you and his feelings so he doesn't have to accept responsibility. Of course, Dad is an adult and he's free to do as he chooses but decisions have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't he come over and talk to you?

Yeah, this. He's a little ridiculous.

+1

The burden is on the douchebag to make amends in a particular situation. It's obvious why you all would have been a bit standoffish. He knows why and is turning it around on you and his feelings so he doesn't have to accept responsibility. Of course, Dad is an adult and he's free to do as he chooses but decisions have consequences.

OP here, that’s what I was thinking too. I was genuinely having a great time and don’t understand why he couldn’t have come over. That might sound selfish and I do actually regret not going over to him, but I thought everything was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is wrong but you have to decide what your goal is with him. Are you going for A) an authentic relationship whether close or distant where you tell him the truth? Or are you B) trying to maintain the peace for the sake of your other relatives or just to keep it easy. Both are perfectly valid imo and definitely okay to toggle back and forth.

My FIL is a lot like this with similar divorce situation and even though everyone is clearly mostly B), he will throw a childish fit to demand A), but he doesn’t really want A) at all because he doesn’t want to be accountable for his role in any of it.

If you’re in A) mode, tell him what you think. That you thought he was fine, you’re not going to split yourself in half to please him and it will take some time for him to settle into his new role. Practice or write it in a letter if you want.

If you’re in B) mode, apologize lightly and deflect. You don’t have to grovel insincerely, just say what he wants and move on. Don’t get dragged into an argument about it. Stay on the surface and be cheerful/concerned. It’s insincere but it’s strategic.

Op here, thank you for this. I feel like our relationship is irreparably damaged and given how much distrust there is/was I don’t think we can have an authentic Relationship again. I did B but without thinking much about it because I tend to want to be the peacemaker, and smooth things over. Thank you for your insight.

[Anonymous]

So you're angry you apologized? I would be too. Chalk it up to being the more charitable of the two, and next time, be sure not to do a reflex apology like we girls were always taught to do whether or not we are at fault!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't he come over and talk to you?

Yeah, this. He's a little ridiculous.

+1

The burden is on the douchebag to make amends in a particular situation. It's obvious why you all would have been a bit standoffish. He knows why and is turning it around on you and his feelings so he doesn't have to accept responsibility. Of course, Dad is an adult and he's free to do as he chooses but decisions have consequences.

OP here, that’s what I was thinking too. I was genuinely having a great time and don’t understand why he couldn’t have come over. That might sound selfish and I do actually regret not going over to him, but I thought everything was fine.

Your dad's happiness is not your responsibility. As he's demonstrated in the recent past, when he wants something that will make his happy (his extramarital affair) he's quite capable of taking the bull by the horns and acting in his self interest. This is not your problem.