My brothers wedding, my divorced parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't he come over and talk to you?

Yeah, this. He's a little ridiculous.

+1

The burden is on the douchebag to make amends in a particular situation. It's obvious why you all would have been a bit standoffish. He knows why and is turning it around on you and his feelings so he doesn't have to accept responsibility. Of course, Dad is an adult and he's free to do as he chooses but decisions have consequences.

OP here, that’s what I was thinking too. I was genuinely having a great time and don’t understand why he couldn’t have come over. That might sound selfish and I do actually regret not going over to him, but I thought everything was fine.

Your dad's happiness is not your responsibility. As he's demonstrated in the recent past, when he wants something that will make his happy (his extramarital affair) he's quite capable of taking the bull by the horns and acting in his self interest. This is not your problem.

Btw, if something like his happens again...I'd just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or something like that. Fight the reflex to apologize because we're socialized to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago my brother got married. Two years ago my parents divorced and it was very nasty (cheating, emotional abuse, financial shenanigans). My dad was very distant the night of the wedding and yesterday he confronted me about how no one came over to see him or say hi to him during the wedding. SIL (bride) put my dad and his relatives at a table across the venue from mom and her relatives. I was seated with mom. I was dancing, eating, having a great time, and it sounds stupid but every time I looked over at my dad he was talking and eating too, so I didn’t think there was such a huge issue. Apparently we (sister, mom, me) should have gone over and asked him for pictures, asked him to dance, etc.

Honestly at the time of the divorce 2 years ago my brother despised my father so in some ways he should be thankful he was invited at all. My brother is the bigger man and smoothed things over for the most part. My dad cheated and moved away. Also it was pretty rough hearing about love, family, and commitment when my cheating dad and formerly married (35 years) parents were there so maybe it was subconscious. I apologized to my dad for not coming over to his table but the more I think about it the angrier I get at the principle of the matter.

Thoughts?

You were not wrong. He's a grown man acting like a baby.

[Anonymous]

Disagree with everyone else. I actually think it was more respectful for dad not to approach OP during the wedding. For all dad knew, his approach could have upset OP and perhaps caused a ruckus at the brother's wedding. If OP had approached dad, then dad knows that OP is open to spending time together during the wedding. Otherwise, it's presumptuous of dad to assume that OP wants to interact with him there.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is a jack*ss. Somewhere in his lizard brain he either feels guilt or he's angry that people know that he's a total jerk, and he's taking those feelings out on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with everyone else. I actually think it was more respectful for dad not to approach OP during the wedding. For all dad knew, his approach could have upset OP and perhaps caused a ruckus at the brother's wedding. If OP had approached dad, then dad knows that OP is open to spending time together during the wedding. Otherwise, it's presumptuous of dad to assume that OP wants to interact with him there.

I agree with this (and I’m the daughter of divorced parents). Based on the details in the OP, sounds like OP isn’t in the mood to absolve her father of guilt, and he feels unabsolved. Well, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with everyone else. I actually think it was more respectful for dad not to approach OP during the wedding. For all dad knew, his approach could have upset OP and perhaps caused a ruckus at the brother's wedding. If OP had approached dad, then dad knows that OP is open to spending time together during the wedding. Otherwise, it's presumptuous of dad to assume that OP wants to interact with him there.

If Dad were that considerate and solicitous of OP's feelings, he wouldn't have berated OP for *not* seeking him out after the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Dad is aware you are not the confrontational sibling ( me too, OP). He used that advantage to turn it around on you. Don't feel bad, you didn't mess up--he did. Did he expect your mother to walk over to him too??

Weddings do not bring out the best in people. There is ALWAYS someone who feels slighted about their table placement or the seating arrangement. Try to rise above it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with everyone else. I actually think it was more respectful for dad not to approach OP during the wedding. For all dad knew, his approach could have upset OP and perhaps caused a ruckus at the brother's wedding. If OP had approached dad, then dad knows that OP is open to spending time together during the wedding. Otherwise, it's presumptuous of dad to assume that OP wants to interact with him there.

If Dad were that considerate and solicitous of OP's feelings, he wouldn't have berated OP for *not* seeking him out after the wedding.

DP but OP didn’t say he “berated” her. Wanting her to come over, but not wanting to go over himself by his ex wife and risk making a scene, these things are internally consistent.

[Anonymous]

OP - you should have more social-savvy than your displayed. You're making this emotional. YOU are making it emotional. All you had to do is walk over there and visit a little. Like you would a neighbor. Small talk. That's all it would have taken. Dumb (purposeful) oversight on your part.

[Anonymous]

Well, you were seated with your mom, right? So there was a big huge visual at the wedding screaming "MOM WON AND DAD LOST". He was sensitive to that.

My parents are also divorced. I sat my siblings and cousin together at my wedding. My parents each sat with extended family from their side. No choosing side.

However, I still think your dad is being dramatic. He should have taken ownership for his own good time and gone to greet whoever he wanted to talk to.

[Anonymous]

PP again. Btw, no one gets to tell you what sister or Mom should have done. That's on them. It also does no good for the three of you to be talking about it. You're just digging a deeper, ugly hole.

Talking to your Dad, you should have done that. Dancing.. no, ...no reason. Pictures? Only if the bride/groom had that as the plan.

[Anonymous]

Ha ha don't you just love it when morally corrupt people get offended at your behavior.

"I'm so sorry you felt that way, dad". Done.

[Anonymous]

pp meant 11:48

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you should have more social-savvy than your displayed. You're making this emotional. YOU are making it emotional. All you had to do is walk over there and visit a little. Like you would a neighbor. Small talk. That's all it would have taken. Dumb (purposeful) oversight on your part.

Why should OP have gone over to Dad? Why is it her responsibility to be "socially savvy"? Is it because she's female? Why should Dad have walked over and visited a little? Why was this "dumb" of OP?

[Anonymous]

Your dad sounds like a narcissist. The need you felt to apologize probably comes from you being raised by a narcissist. It's understandable.