Any dads get 60/40 or more?

[Anonymous]

Just trying to gauge how realistic my friend's very expensive custody fight will result in what he's seeking, which is at least 60/40 custody of one young child. They both work similar hours and live in the same location (actually still in the same house until this is resolved). Mom has mental illness but has never done anything to endanger child.

If you are a man who received 60/40 or more custody, what were the circumstances?

[Anonymous]

I think the courts strongly favor 50/50, especially where neither parent is a danger to the child. He'll have to show some compelling reason the child's best interest is served by that 20% discrepancy, and I'm not sure what that would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the courts strongly favor 50/50, especially where neither parent is a danger to the child. He'll have to show some compelling reason the child's best interest is served by that 20% discrepancy, and I'm not sure what that would be.

Yeah. I know of women whose exes landed them in the ER with broken bones (all documented.) Those men still got 50% custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the courts strongly favor 50/50, especially where neither parent is a danger to the child. He'll have to show some compelling reason the child's best interest is served by that 20% discrepancy, and I'm not sure what that would be.

Yeah. I know of women whose exes landed them in the ER with broken bones (all documented.) Those men still got 50% custody.

Sadly this.

I do know a few men with primary. But really exceptional circumstances, not the standard DCUM divorce. And treatable mental illness is seldom regarded by the court as grounds for removing custody. My XH has had suicide attempts and inpatient hospitalizations without losing time.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that he’s using a mental illness to say mom should only get 40% time, but if the kid is safe with mom 40% of the time the kid is probably safe 50% of the time. He’s better off being as amicable as possible with mom so that he gets extra time when mom needs additional support - rather than burning that bridge entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the courts strongly favor 50/50, especially where neither parent is a danger to the child. He'll have to show some compelling reason the child's best interest is served by that 20% discrepancy, and I'm not sure what that would be.

Yeah. I know of women whose exes landed them in the ER with broken bones (all documented.) Those men still got 50% custody.

And, I know really great fathers and the mothers cheated and later abused the kids (with child welfare involved and moving the boyfriends kids from the home) and Dad still only got basic visitation. It really depends on the judge and county.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that he’s using a mental illness to say mom should only get 40% time, but if the kid is safe with mom 40% of the time the kid is probably safe 50% of the time. He’s better off being as amicable as possible with mom so that he gets extra time when mom needs additional support - rather than burning that bridge entirely.

This. My ex is mentally ill. I offered him 50/50 but he never took it. When the kids were little I invited him to our house to have dinner with kids and put them to bed. Even on his best days handling two of them entirely solo is overwhelming and anxiety-provoking. On his less well days he made transparently false excuses about why he couldn’t come, which I graciously accepted as true and stepped in with caring for the kids without complaint.

As a result, over time, he never had physical custody but visits with them multiple times a week on a pretty regular schedule. I have 100% custody with visitation 2 weekday evenings and 1 weekend day.

It was definitely a case of getting more with kindness than conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the courts strongly favor 50/50, especially where neither parent is a danger to the child. He'll have to show some compelling reason the child's best interest is served by that 20% discrepancy, and I'm not sure what that would be.

Yeah. I know of women whose exes landed them in the ER with broken bones (all documented.) Those men still got 50% custody.

Yeah, same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that he’s using a mental illness to say mom should only get 40% time, but if the kid is safe with mom 40% of the time the kid is probably safe 50% of the time. He’s better off being as amicable as possible with mom so that he gets extra time when mom needs additional support - rather than burning that bridge entirely.

This. My ex is mentally ill. I offered him 50/50 but he never took it. When the kids were little I invited him to our house to have dinner with kids and put them to bed. Even on his best days handling two of them entirely solo is overwhelming and anxiety-provoking. On his less well days he made transparently false excuses about why he couldn’t come, which I graciously accepted as true and stepped in with caring for the kids without complaint.

As a result, over time, he never had physical custody but visits with them multiple times a week on a pretty regular schedule. I have 100% custody with visitation 2 weekday evenings and 1 weekend day.

It was definitely a case of getting more with kindness than conflict.

Agree with this. Go for 50/50. The reality is he will most likely end up with more due to the mental illness of spouse.

[Anonymous]

I got 75/25 because of ex and mental illness. It was not fun though. It isn’t even what I want but here I am.

[Anonymous]

Is the 60/40 target because that’s the point where he thinks he won’t owe child support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the 60/40 target because that’s the point where he thinks he won’t owe child support?

OP here. No he is afraid his STBXW will have harmful effects on his child. They were in counseling for a while about it and she wasn't able to make any changes (i.e. curb her compulsive spending, stop sleeping all weekend, stop trying to get child diagnosed with rare diseases etc.). Despite years of being on mood stabilizers and in therapy she got a therapist to write a report saying she has no mental illness. A court appointed pysch recommended my friend get 78% custody lest the kid develop an eating disorder etc. The attorney for the child suggested her get 60% or more. The STBXW got fired from her job two weeks after my friend filed for divorce and is now trying to say she's a SAHM. My friend is spending a ton of money and I'm just nervous for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 60/40 target because that’s the point where he thinks he won’t owe child support?

OP here. No he is afraid his STBXW will have harmful effects on his child. They were in counseling for a while about it and she wasn't able to make any changes (i.e. curb her compulsive spending, stop sleeping all weekend, stop trying to get child diagnosed with rare diseases etc.). Despite years of being on mood stabilizers and in therapy she got a therapist to write a report saying she has no mental illness. A court appointed pysch recommended my friend get 78% custody lest the kid develop an eating disorder etc. The attorney for the child suggested her get 60% or more. The STBXW got fired from her job two weeks after my friend filed for divorce and is now trying to say she's a SAHM. My friend is spending a ton of money and I'm just nervous for him.

60/40 is kind of a weird ask instead of 50/50 it's basically 1 or 2 more overnights a week -- what does it represent practically? that dad has custody on school nights? also, physical custody doesn't address things like getting a child diagnosed. for that, Dad would need joint legal custody with decision-making power in cases of disagreement or full legal custody.

If both the court appointed psych and the attorney for the child are saying more custody to dad, then that's helpful to him. Judge is not likely to completely disregard both of them.

Getting fired from job and saying she is now SAHM is also not likely to be viewed beneficially by the court.

Has your friend been an equal care taker of the child? If not, it will be hard for him to argue she is dangerous or unable to care if he has left the kid in her care prior to the divorce.

OTOH, if the child has been in daycare and the mom was working the whole time, then the judge will probably want to continue that (and your friend should be arguing for that).

[Anonymous]

I would just go for 50/50. The system is still biased against men, so you are fighting a battle that probably isn't worth it. Regardless of the courts decision, you will still have to work with your ex on a schedule that will be constantly changing. Having the courts handle your family/visitation issues is a losers game. I would focus more on doing whatever you can to counter the negative impact your nutzo ex wife has on your child. If you are a good father, your child will want to spend more time with you has he/she gets older anyway.

[Anonymous]

Given the opinion of the court appointed psych, honestly, I would keep fighting in his shoes. And for 80/20 honestly.