Are you sad that you can't have a biological child with your partner?

[Anonymous]

DW and I are ready to start a family and are looking into choosing donors. I'm just filled with an overwhelming sadness that I can't have a child with DW who shares both of our traits. We have agreed that I will be the one to carry the child, since having a genetic connection means more to me than her, but I would love more than anything to be able to look at our child and see characteristics of both us there. Is this feeling common among other same sex couples? I have to say that I don't know anyone else who has expressed disappointment with this. And it's not something I've shared with anyone else either.

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel better a lot of it is a mind game. My bio kids really don't have much in common with me, I love them and they are mine but they don't physically or emotionally resemble me much. My adopted child literally has my walk and my voice, its crazy. I literally "forget" she's adopted. My point is genetic is SUCH a grab bag that your "own" kids can share nothing with you and someone from the "random gene pool" can really resemble you. Just me 2 cent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are ready to start a family and are looking into choosing donors. I'm just filled with an overwhelming sadness that I can't have a child with DW who shares both of our traits. We have agreed that I will be the one to carry the child, since having a genetic connection means more to me than her, but I would love more than anything to be able to look at our child and see characteristics of both us there. Is this feeling common among other same sex couples? I have to say that I don't know anyone else who has expressed disappointment with this. And it's not something I've shared with anyone else either.

Keep in mind that even for hetero couples who have had biological kids, there is no guarantee that they'll look like you. My 7yo looks exactly like my husband. People routinely ask if she's my child, often mistaking me for a babysitter, etc. (we have pretty different skin colors). Genes are no guarantee of phenotype.

Not sure if this helps, but just thought I'd mention.

[Anonymous]

“Overwhelming sadness?” You are in for some tough love:

Come on, OP. Stop. You’re being ridiculous. You’re dismissing the real, intense relationships that adopted parents have with their children and a higher value on biological connections over personal connections.

I carried both of my children who were conceived with 2 different anonymous donors. I love them for who they are, not because I see part of myself in them. They are truly unique with their own personalities, likes and dislikes. When it comes to their other mother, I cherish the amazing relationship she has with each child and our connection as a family unit.

There is plenty in the world to be sad about. This is not one of them. Focus your energy elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are ready to start a family and are looking into choosing donors. I'm just filled with an overwhelming sadness that I can't have a child with DW who shares both of our traits. We have agreed that I will be the one to carry the child, since having a genetic connection means more to me than her, but I would love more than anything to be able to look at our child and see characteristics of both us there. Is this feeling common among other same sex couples? I have to say that I don't know anyone else who has expressed disappointment with this. And it's not something I've shared with anyone else either.

Keep in mind that even for hetero couples who have had biological kids, there is no guarantee that they'll look like you. My 7yo looks exactly like my husband. People routinely ask if she's my child, often mistaking me for a babysitter, etc. (we have pretty different skin colors). Genes are no guarantee of phenotype.

Not sure if this helps, but just thought I'd mention.

I wouldn’t mind if the child looked more like DW or had more of her characteristics. I’m just sad that the child won’t have any characteristics of DW at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Overwhelming sadness?” You are in for some tough love:

Come on, OP. Stop. You’re being ridiculous. You’re dismissing the real, intense relationships that adopted parents have with their children and a higher value on biological connections over personal connections.

I carried both of my children who were conceived with 2 different anonymous donors. I love them for who they are, not because I see part of myself in them. They are truly unique with their own personalities, likes and dislikes. When it comes to their other mother, I cherish the amazing relationship she has with each child and our connection as a family unit.

There is plenty in the world to be sad about. This is not one of them. Focus your energy elsewhere.

I truly do not mean to undermine the intense relationships adopted parents have with their children, but for me personally it means quite a bit. I have always been interested in genealogy and family history, and I tend to be someone who thinks nature more than nurture determines more of what a person is like. In any event, I think it would be incredible to experience having a child that is a mix of me and a mix of the person that I love. I'm just disappointed that DW and I won't be able to experience that.

[Anonymous]

I know one lesbian couple where one contributed the egg and the other was the carrier. Complicated, but would that help you any?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know one lesbian couple where one contributed the egg and the other was the carrier. Complicated, but would that help you any?

I have also known couples who have done this. It seems like a good middle ground

[Anonymous]

Out lesbian mom of teenagers here: No, this is not a common “sadness” among the community of lesbian moms who give birth to their child(ren). I have yet to hear or read about anyone feeling sad because there will not be any biological traits from the other parent.

I really hope you are not sharing this with your wife. That would be hard to hear. If I were her, I’d think that every time you looked at our kid, you’d be focusing on how we’re not biologically related rather than how I’m a great mom and how we’re a great family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out lesbian mom of teenagers here: No, this is not a common “sadness” among the community of lesbian moms who give birth to their child(ren). I have yet to hear or read about anyone feeling sad because there will not be any biological traits from the other parent.

I really hope you are not sharing this with your wife. That would be hard to hear. If I were her, I’d think that every time you looked at our kid, you’d be focusing on how we’re not biologically related rather than how I’m a great mom and how we’re a great family.

Also a lesbian mom, and the mandatory therapist we had to talk to (Maryland) said this is very common. And hiding feelings from your spouse is not the way to deal. Talking to a family therapist might help, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know one lesbian couple where one contributed the egg and the other was the carrier. Complicated, but would that help you any?

No, I don’t think that would help. What would be wonderful would be if she had a brother who could be the donor, but she doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Does DW have a brother? If so, you could use his sperm and your egg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does DW have a brother? If so, you could use his sperm and your egg.

Ugh. Even if she did have a brother, there’s a very real chance that he would be uncomfortable with this - especially if he has his own children with his wife. This is something that I would have been more okay with before I had kids, but having biological half siblings to be raised by someone else (even my sister!) just doesn’t sit well with me. And if I had donated before marriage, I think it’s something I would regret after my own children are born.

Plus, there’s just no guarantee that her brother would do it. That you would feel entitled to his genetic material is more than a little strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does DW have a brother? If so, you could use his sperm and your egg.

Ugh. Even if she did have a brother, there’s a very real chance that he would be uncomfortable with this - especially if he has his own children with his wife. This is something that I would have been more okay with before I had kids, but having biological half siblings to be raised by someone else (even my sister!) just doesn’t sit well with me. And if I had donated before marriage, I think it’s something I would regret after my own children are born.

Plus, there’s just no guarantee that her brother would do it. That you would feel entitled to his genetic material is more than a little strange.

Obviously I was assuming she would ask her brother. Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

I’m all for same sex marriage and have zero homophobia, but come on it takes two opposite genders to make a baby! That’s just the way it is.