mom pushes my buttons and xmas triggers-vent
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Anonymous
| I go all out for Christmas decorations. It is super fun. My mom makes the same comment every year "ha ha, you do so much with Christmas now, but when you were younger you used to say how much you hated Christmas". yes, I did say that. Why? Because my brother in law was abusive and ruined holidays year after year, and I tell my mom that every time she says it. Usually she stays silent, but this year, she denied that ever happened. so annoying. thanks for letting me vent. |
Anonymous
| Ok so next year just look her in the eye and say “ Shut up and never make that stupid comment again.” |
Anonymous
| So just tell her "Yeah, people and circumstances change." Then move on. You can let her comment wreck your Christmas, or not. Your choice, you know? You're in charge now. |
Anonymous
| My mom is an expert at revisionist history. Sorry your mom has thrown some your way. No advice, just understanding of this situation. |
Anonymous
| Stop inviting her over. |
Anonymous
| Look up grey rock strategy. I am did this over Xmas and it helped with all the button pushing. |
Anonymous
|
Maybe beat her to it. Next year as soon as she arrives say something like: Can't believe I use to hate Christmas so much! I love it now -- guess I am making up for lost time! Look at my new.... wreath, candles...or some new part of the decorations.
Take back the power of the statement. You have moved past some bad memories of previous Christmases. Good for you!! |
Anonymous
|
"Yes, you say that every year."
[If she pushes.] "I've made it clear that I didn't used to like Christmas because of the way Bill treated everyone. I'm moving forward. If you'd like to celebrate this year with me, I would love that. Are we celebrating now, or are we backtracking?" |
Anonymous
Way too much engagement here. Try this instead: Mom: ...it’s funny because you always hated it as a kid. OP: I wonder if it’s going to rain tomorrow. Did you catch the weather report? |
Anonymous
Mine is too. Don't give her a reaction. Instead just give her a vacant look as though maybe you didn't hear it and walk away or calmly change the topic. Sometimes when my mother is being a jerk I just look at my watch. For some reason crazy mothers want a reaction. If they have any symptoms of a personality disorder getting a reaction gives them a high. Recently my mother started doing her BS rewriting history, trying to guilt trip and just being a jerk. I looked at my husband and calmly said, "are you ready to go?" We were polite, got our kids and left. I gave no comment or reaction to her nastiness. I just did pleasantries and got the F out of there. She behaved better for longer the next time. In my own home, I would just get out of the room and let her be alone for a while. |
Anonymous
I've done this and it's fun to see how they react. If mom keeps escalating anyway to the point of screaming, I just very calmly say something like "I can tell you want some time to yourself. We will give you your space." If she stays at the same level i just keep doing what PP describes. Mom: You always were so self centered. Me: The sky was such a beautiful shade of blue when we drove over here. Mom: I made so many sacrifices for my aging parents. I did it all because it was the right thing to do. I would never say "no" to my mother. (She did almost nothing and left it to her sibling who was miserable and mom had no empathy. Her sibling needed intensive therapy to deal with the verbal abuse of their aging mom and developed many health issues even dealing with her is assisted living because grandma was causing so many problems and at risk of being kicked out. Mom was useless in helping and aunt and uncle were livid with mom for making excuses, but history is being rewritten because the siblings are dead). Me: (Look at watch). Oh my goodness, husband we are already running late for x, y,z. Mom, nice seeing you. Larlo and Larla, time to go. (Already prepped then for possibility of needing to leave abruptly.) Me: |
Anonymous
Yes, that’s what I would say. |
Anonymous
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She sounds like my mom, who prob has a personality disorder.
I do my best to have no reaction and redirect as a PP was talking about. When it was really bad, I would immediately go home when it started. That helped reduce how often she would do it. I also went many years making sure I was never alone with her. And I had to handle that I had no real mother and thrive despite that. |
Anonymous
| Why not make it a happy thing — now that you have the freedom to make your own XMas you have found your way back to the holiday and love hosting your family for it |
Anonymous
I have posted before, but not OP. I used to try that with my mom and it just made her into a psycho, screaming nut. If the person is truly personality disordered they just can't acknowledge in any way they are being a-holes. I do what another poster does and try to have people with me all times. Witnesses help they behave usually unless they feel too comfortable with the person. Just know that doing anything but remaining calm can be like pouring fuel on a fire. |