agreeing on friends and who to spend time with

[Anonymous]

DH and I generally like the same people but sometimes we don't see eye to eye on who to get together with. He's made some new friends who just don't seem to have a lot of time to get together ever. He'll talk about wanting to invite them over but nothing ever works out, mostly because they also have small children (we have two kids under 10) and are busy with family stuff, illness, activities, etc.

I have a few colleagues I've become good friends with who always want to get together. They don't have kids or have children who are much older; therefore, their time is more flexible. DH has met them and likes them but just isn't as enthusiastic about getting together with them as he is about his friends. When we talk about inviting people over he never mentions them-- he just keeps pushing for his friends who are not available and/or never even reciprocate (my friends reciprocate and extend invitations back).

I'd like him to see the value of my friends-- they are very kind and pleasant to get together with. He actually has a lot in common with one of them. I know you can't lead a horse to water but sometimes I feel like we'll never see anyone if we always try to rely on the people he keeps pushing us to hang out with, to no avail. Or do we just need to have our own separate sets of friends?

[Anonymous]

You don't have to do everything as a couple. It's perfectly okay for you to have your own friends and DH to have his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to do everything as a couple. It's perfectly okay for you to have your own friends and DH to have his own.

OP here. I'm fine with that. It's just that he expects me to be around to hang out with his friends. Or, one of my friends is all about double-dates after work and wants to cancel stuff if my husband can't come (and I don't like to feel like a third-wheel). Maybe we're just at that point after 15+ years that we both need to be ok with doing things separately more often that we expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to do everything as a couple. It's perfectly okay for you to have your own friends and DH to have his own.

OP here. I'm fine with that. It's just that he expects me to be around to hang out with his friends. Or, one of my friends is all about double-dates after work and wants to cancel stuff if my husband can't come (and I don't like to feel like a third-wheel). Maybe we're just at that point after 15+ years that we both need to be ok with doing things separately more often that we expected.

Why don't you ask if he'll agree that in the new year, you'll BOTH compromise for each other? One week you'll hang out with friends he arranges and the next he'll hang out with friends you arrange?

[Anonymous]

New friends at the stage of life you are in are work. And maybe your DH is tired and just wants the ease of old friends.

I say just keep inviting both.

And absolutely start to do things separately too.

[Anonymous]

"I'd like him to ... " wrong approach

Instead, "I'm inviting x over"

Don't dominate the social decisions, but you are entitled to 1/2

[Anonymous]

OP, it is a red flag if you husband is unable to cultivate his own friendships. I speak from experience. While it is very common for wives to take on the lion's share of responsibility when it comes to organizing dates and cultivating friendships after marriage, after 20 years of marriage I've learned that there are 2 reasons this happens - some men are introverted and get enough socializing through whatever friends his wife brings to the table, or they are actually lack the skills necessary to build friendships on their own.
I remember my DH getting upset a few years after we had kids, saying that I "never let him see his friends anymore." I was flabbergasted, because I couldn't think of a single time he even proposed seeing them, let alone me shooting him down. Then it hit me: prior to having kids, he abrogated responsibility for socializing to me, and I LITERALLY had to set up play dates for him - contacting his college friends if I knew they were coming to the area and setting up a time to host dinner, etc.

Moral of the story - you both take responsibility for your respective friendships. Neither of you should have to spent a significant amount of time hanging out with any friends that you don't enjoy. If he wants to see a particular couple, he organizes it. Done.