You should have asked — is this still a true dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Not sure if we discussed this French comic??

https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

I feel like DH is actually pretty proactive, so perhaps men are finally getting the message? Though I am the breadwinner so we are already a ‘modern’ working couple

[Anonymous]

Yup, still exists. My DH will “cook” dinner, which means I have to decide what he makes, buy the food, tell him what he needs and where to find it, explain the recipe to him, be available to answer all questions, and clean up the mess he leaves in the kitchen.

I do agree that men need longer, paid paternity leave. Studies have shown men with longer paternity leave are more involved fathers. I don’t know why more men don’t push for it.

[Anonymous]

You guys must have married morons. There's a relatively finite series of events that have to happen every day (dinner, clean up, kids fed, kids cleaned up, diapers changed, etc.) and it's really not that hard to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I do agree that men need longer, paid paternity leave. Studies have shown men with longer paternity leave are more involved fathers. I don’t know why more men don’t push for it.

I suspect this is "correlation not causation" -- i.e., the kind of man likely to be an involved dad is more likely to take paternity leave, it was not the leave that caused him to be more involved.

When I discussed paternity leave with my boss, I got a strong "don't do that, not a good career move for you" vibe from him, so I didn't. I bet I'm not the only man who has gotten that reception.

You guys must have married morons. There's a relatively finite series of events that have to happen every day (dinner, clean up, kids fed, kids cleaned up, diapers changed, etc.) and it's really not that hard to figure it out.

Yeah I've been a dad for a long time and I didn't need to be spoon-fed any of that stuff. I make all the meals and I certainly don't need to be told what to make, how to make it, how to find the ingredients, and how to clean up all the mess. I can't imagine being that incompetent, or marrying someone that incompetent.

[Anonymous]

Are you aware that not everyone has paternity and family leave available to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, still exists. My DH will “cook” dinner, which means I have to decide what he makes, buy the food, tell him what he needs and where to find it, explain the recipe to him, be available to answer all questions, and clean up the mess he leaves in the kitchen.

I do agree that men need longer, paid paternity leave. Studies have shown men with longer paternity leave are more involved fathers. I don’t know why more men don’t push for it.

Did he ever live alone? Did he live on takeout?

As long as paternity leave is optional, it’s a career killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I do agree that men need longer, paid paternity leave. Studies have shown men with longer paternity leave are more involved fathers. I don’t know why more men don’t push for it.

I suspect this is "correlation not causation" -- i.e., the kind of man likely to be an involved dad is more likely to take paternity leave, it was not the leave that caused him to be more involved.

When I discussed paternity leave with my boss, I got a strong "don't do that, not a good career move for you" vibe from him, so I didn't. I bet I'm not the only man who has gotten that reception.

You guys must have married morons. There's a relatively finite series of events that have to happen every day (dinner, clean up, kids fed, kids cleaned up, diapers changed, etc.) and it's really not that hard to figure it out.

Yeah I've been a dad for a long time and I didn't need to be spoon-fed any of that stuff. I make all the meals and I certainly don't need to be told what to make, how to make it, how to find the ingredients, and how to clean up all the mess. I can't imagine being that incompetent, or marrying someone that incompetent.

Hopefully the DH who can’t cook makes up for it by making it rain as a breadwinner! Or trust fund.

[Anonymous]

Women simply aren’t attracted to men who have home skills. All the middle aged single and divorced guys I know who can both bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan have spotty dating records. These fat football losers have their wives making them sammiches and carting the kids everywhere. It’s not fair but attraction is attraction.

Women don’t want men who have true full capabilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women simply aren’t attracted to men who have home skills. All the middle aged single and divorced guys I know who can both bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan have spotty dating records. These fat football losers have their wives making them sammiches and carting the kids everywhere. It’s not fair but attraction is attraction.

Women don’t want men who have true full capabilities.

Interesting take, yeah a man in dishpan gloves is definitely a mood killer.

[Anonymous]

I love my DH who can meal plan, grocery shop, and fry it up in a pan. He does some things well, i do other things well. I'm sure the DHs who have to be "told" what to make for dinner would be fine if they had to be.

[Anonymous]

When I first moved in with DH he did my laundry and cooked elaborate meals. After I got pregnant with our first he went into full breadwinner mode. It’s like a switch flipped and he became incredibly focused on maximizing his career success/earning potential. And yes, that means he stopped doing his fair share at home. But I work a similar job for similar pay so this wasn’t working for us at all. After maaaaany long talks about evening the load he has taken over some things. But he doesn’t really do a good job. I am at a loss. I don’t want this dynamic but he refuses to sacrifice a single bit of work time/energy to fix it, and he thinks I’m wrong to even suggest it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I do agree that men need longer, paid paternity leave. Studies have shown men with longer paternity leave are more involved fathers. I don’t know why more men don’t push for it.

I suspect this is "correlation not causation" -- i.e., the kind of man likely to be an involved dad is more likely to take paternity leave, it was not the leave that caused him to be more involved.

When I discussed paternity leave with my boss, I got a strong "don't do that, not a good career move for you" vibe from him, so I didn't. I bet I'm not the only man who has gotten that reception.

You guys must have married morons. There's a relatively finite series of events that have to happen every day (dinner, clean up, kids fed, kids cleaned up, diapers changed, etc.) and it's really not that hard to figure it out.

Yeah I've been a dad for a long time and I didn't need to be spoon-fed any of that stuff. I make all the meals and I certainly don't need to be told what to make, how to make it, how to find the ingredients, and how to clean up all the mess. I can't imagine being that incompetent, or marrying someone that incompetent.

No, there have been well-controlled, long-term studies showing that the increased paternity leave itself has a large impact on how a father bonds with their child and how involved they are throughout the child's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I first moved in with DH he did my laundry and cooked elaborate meals. After I got pregnant with our first he went into full breadwinner mode. It’s like a switch flipped and he became incredibly focused on maximizing his career success/earning potential. And yes, that means he stopped doing his fair share at home. But I work a similar job for similar pay so this wasn’t working for us at all. After maaaaany long talks about evening the load he has taken over some things. But he doesn’t really do a good job. I am at a loss. I don’t want this dynamic but he refuses to sacrifice a single bit of work time/energy to fix it, and he thinks I’m wrong to even suggest it.

Wait, so he focused on his career and tried to breadwin — but salary didn’t rise in tandem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women simply aren’t attracted to men who have home skills. All the middle aged single and divorced guys I know who can both bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan have spotty dating records. These fat football losers have their wives making them sammiches and carting the kids everywhere. It’s not fair but attraction is attraction.

Women don’t want men who have true full capabilities.

Women don't want Felix they like Oscar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, still exists. My DH will “cook” dinner, which means I have to decide what he makes, buy the food, tell him what he needs and where to find it, explain the recipe to him, be available to answer all questions, and clean up the mess he leaves in the kitchen.

I do agree that men need longer, paid paternity leave. Studies have shown men with longer paternity leave are more involved fathers. I don’t know why more men don’t push for it.

Did he ever live alone? Did he live on takeout?

As long as paternity leave is optional, it’s a career killer.

No, it's not a "career killer." Men just need to learn to compromise a little on their "career focus," just like women do.