Guilt that won’t subside over having an only
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Anonymous
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We wanted one child and now we have a delightful three year old. I very much do not want a second child, nor does my spouse. But I still can’t make peace with the fact I’m “letting my child down” by not giving him a sibling. Most families have a reason for an only that’s from necessity, like secondary infertility. We just love our family and feel complete. But I have so much worry that having parents who feel complete and have fulfilled their family planning hopes means nothing when our son is dealing with dying parents alone.
If we had a second we’d end up giving him two unhappy parents, so I know we are doing the right thing for us. But I wish I had more certainty I wasn’t setting him up for a less positive outcome. Am I over thinking this? Happy kids come from all sorts of families, right? |
Anonymous
| There are many threads on this with good book recommendations. I read one of them that I really liked, though I can't remember the name. I think you are in a better place than people who wanted more children but couldn't have them. Only children get all of your attention and resources, which is great in most cases. Siblings are no guarantee of happiness and in some cases bring a whole lot of misery. |
Anonymous
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I have an only and I am content.
There are no guarantees of a 100% positive outcome, no matter how many children you have. I have 3 siblings and dealt with 90% of the elder care of our parents on my own. It felt extra lonely knowing there were others who could have been involved more. |
Anonymous
| I'm an only with an only. Your feelings are your feelings, so they are valid. That said, I think you should put some working into getting past this. Even if you had another child, there is no guarantee that the siblings would be close. You and your spouse seem united in making this choice-embrace it. You can build a loving community for your child even if you don't provide a sibling. |
Anonymous
| I think having happy parents is WAY more important than having a sibling! Having a 2nd that you don't have the bandwidth for emotionally would be terrible for both children, and you and your spouse. Acknowledging your limits is the best gift you could ever give your one child. |
Anonymous
| I have an only and I worry a bit about the future for him but I am not all that worried about it. I am one of four and only one of us lives close to my parents and ends up taking care of most of the parent related stuff. I am the only sibling who speaks to all of my siblings. No idea how it turned out this way but it did. Having siblings can be great for some, ok for others, and miserable for still others. My DH gets along well with his sister but they don't talk all that frequently. |
Anonymous
You need to firmly change your internal thoughts and redirect them when you start thinking you are somehow failing your son by not giving him a sibling. Think, "We have the perfect family for us, my son is happy and healthy, and the future cannot be controlled." Stop worrying about what may or may not happen forty or fifty years from now! You have a delightful three-year-old so DELIGHT in him every day. No one knows what the future may hold but you do know what you have now. A wise person will not waste a single minute worrying about aging & dying when there is so much life right in front of you. |
Anonymous
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As with anything there are pluses and minuses to an only child. I am an only child and I have an only by choice. I focus on the pluses and try to compensate for some of the minuses. For example we host a crazy number of play dates and are always happy to have neighbors kids over. Just one way we compensate for no siblings to play with.
As an only with aging parents I can sympathize with your concerns. In some ways its simpler. Its just me - there is no deabte about who's responsible for what or worry about how inheritances will shake out. Thankfully my parents are very aware and don't want to be a burden. They have taken steps financially to be prepared to support themselves and don't have any unrealistic expectations about living on their own. They are in their late 70s and have already down sized from the house I grew up in to a more senior friendly house and have been researching more options for as they age. There is zero expectation that they will be moving in with me. DH and I plan to take this approach when we get older. I do have this lingering feeling that once they're gone I will be alone (I'm friendly but not close with any of my extended family members). Luckily I have a great DH who's response when I told him this was "but you'll always have me and DC." You just do the best with what you have! |
Anonymous
| Thinking you have control over your child’s happiness is one of the biggest fallacies of parenting. |
Anonymous
| Every only child I’ve known who is now an adult is happy and well adjusted. You are making the right choice. |
Anonymous
| Just wanted to say I feel just like you, OP. |
Anonymous
| We are an only child by choice family and the only time I feel guilty is when I just want 5 minutes where I'm not DD's favored playmate. But, seriously, for us it means we can get her everything she needs and wants -- private school, pay for college, without having to stretch. |
Anonymous
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I do think you are overthinking, to make a long story short. And, to what end? You made a good sound decision and now you go forward making the healthiest happiest life for your family possible.
End of story. Wish navel gazing goodbye for 2020. |
Anonymous
+100!! |
Anonymous
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Echoing what a lot of others have said, OP. I have an only by choice.
In the case of our family, we love having one and find it to be the perfect arrangement for us. I have one sibling with whom I am close, my husband has 3 siblings who aren't particularly close or reliable. You never know what you'll get with siblings, even with the best intentions. We felt some social pressure when our dd was the same age as your child - that's when all of her peers started getting little brothers and sisters and we were suddenly the odd ones out for "only" having one. In our case we've lucked out with having great local friends and a great community of friends through her school, some of whom are like family from each of these groups. Will those friends help her figure out my nursing home? I don't know, probably not - but raising a socially happy kid surrounded by support feels like we're setting her up for a lifetime of building a good support network for herself. In addition to having an only child, we also live pretty far from either side of the family and do holidays here at home, sharing each of them with good friends who are in the same boat. While it's not what either DH or I were raised with, it's been a happy experience that we think will continue to work for us. And one thing I've noticed about dd is that even though she's as shy as I was, her needing to connect with others outside of home has made her really good at making good friendships in spite of her shyness and I'm so glad she's having a hugely easier time of that than I did, with my built-in network of sibling and dozens of cousins I didn't work that hard at connecting with others in school and was often the odd one out. That's all to say - join the club and enjoy your only! |