Elderly parents divorcing—What to expect?

[Anonymous]

My parents have been married over 35 years. They’ve lived separately for 5 years and are now pursuing divorce. My Dad has had a stable income and lucrative side hustle. My mom has been very ill and is disabled and has not worked in many years. My dad is looking to stop his daytime job and just do his other gig.

My mom is worried she will be left with nothing. It sounds like she has a good lawyer.

Does anyone have any insight regarding gray divorce? Any online support forums?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

Would your mother be able to fund her retirement on half of your parents joint assets? I guess what I’m getting at here is whether this divorce is going to impoverish your mother. That’s going to be one of the main factors in how well this goes.

If she’s disabled, elderly, unable to work and has been married for decades, she very well might get significant alimony. It sounds like your dad knows that and is trying to lower his income by just doing his side hustle.

And yes, I’d agree that you need a great attorney in her state.

[Anonymous]

We had difficulty finding an attorney experienced in gray divorce when my aunt filed and her long-estranged H contested.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? Married for 35 years could mean 55. How old is your dad - if he is still working two jobs, I am guessing he is an early senior.

[Anonymous]

This seriously sucks. Sounds like your dad is trying to get out of helping her in her final years since she’s so ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seriously sucks. Sounds like your dad is trying to get out of helping her in her final years since she’s so ill.

Yep, and it’s on you now. Thanks Dad.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They are mid-60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seriously sucks. Sounds like your dad is trying to get out of helping her in her final years since she’s so ill.

No, SHE is trying to get out of being HIS caretaker. DCUM assures us that old men are totally helpless without female caretakers.

[Anonymous]

I think you should expect a great deal of challenges.

Will you have to take a side? If so, whose side will you be on? If you try to be fair to both parents, will that create conflict? What if your mother cannot care for herself either financially or physically?

What if your father takes off with the money before divorce is final? What if he finds, or has found, a younger healthier companion who will soon show up on his arm? How will you deal with that? What if his new companion has children and brings them into the relationship.

Do you have siblings - if so, how will, or will they, help? Do you have extended family who may take sides?

Bottom line is that you are heading into the unknown so expect nothing but be prepared for anything.

OP, I really feel for you in this situation as you are all about to embark on a very shaky and unknown path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seriously sucks. Sounds like your dad is trying to get out of helping her in her final years since she’s so ill.

No, SHE is trying to get out of being HIS caretaker. DCUM assures us that old men are totally helpless without female caretakers.

Did you not read OP’s post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been married over 35 years. They’ve lived separately for 5 years and are now pursuing divorce. My Dad has had a stable income and lucrative side hustle. My mom has been very ill and is disabled and has not worked in many years. My dad is looking to stop his daytime job and just do his other gig.

My mom is worried she will be left with nothing. It sounds like she has a good lawyer.

Does anyone have any insight regarding gray divorce? Any online support forums?

Thanks!

I highly recommend reading this book " The way they were: Dealing with your parents divorce after a lifetime of Marriage" by Brooke Lea Foster... I went through this with my parents, who divorced after 45 (yes 45) years of marriage. It was quite a messy divorce, and the book was helpful with setting boundaries, as well as helping me talk to both of my parents and express my feelings regarding their behavior. The divorce has been final for about 6 months and there are still challenges - even though both parents have "moved on" with other partners there is still a lot of hostility and animosity -especially from my mother towards my father (who initiated the divorce.) Much of this stems from the financial disposition that was decided by the courts (she has to give part of her pension as it was considered a marital asset in the state they live in).

Being totally honest it was a brutal 18 months that took quite a bit out of me. Having your senior parents divorce does put a lot of strain (and additional financial worry in our case as we are concerned about how we will be able to financially support two parents who frankly, don't make the smartest financial choices and spent entirely too much on lawyers dragging out every little detail over the whole process).

hang in there, and the best advice I can give is to set boundaries with both sets of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been married over 35 years. They’ve lived separately for 5 years and are now pursuing divorce. My Dad has had a stable income and lucrative side hustle. My mom has been very ill and is disabled and has not worked in many years. My dad is looking to stop his daytime job and just do his other gig.

My mom is worried she will be left with nothing. It sounds like she has a good lawyer.

Does anyone have any insight regarding gray divorce? Any online support forums?

Thanks!

If your mom is ill they should not divorce and I would tell your dad no and not drop this. My dad tried the same thing and it has been a mess. Luckily he didn’t divorce but they are separate. Mom is at a facility. He was hooking up with another senior who wanted marriage. We said what you do in your own time is fine but he needs to take care of mom. The time to divorce is not when your partner is sick. This is a man thing that theyndon’t Want to care for the woman who many times put up with a lot during the marriage. Luckily our generation has our own money and jobs so this won’t be as bad. I am so sorry OP that you are going through this but stand firm. Had my dad divorced my mom would be in a terrible facility why he would have been living large.

[Anonymous]

They really should stay together. I hope he understands since she is disabled he will pay alimony until she dies or remarries. I had a friend who was disabled and they were married 15 years. Received half the assets, plus he had to keep an insurance policy on him.

[Anonymous]

Generally in a divorce the monies are a 50-50 split of all assets.
If your Mom has not worked in decades she may
get alimony.

Alimony is not given that much any more but again
if your Mom has never worked or not worked in decades
she may get alimony.

Do they have much money? If there is not much money there
than just doing the 50-50 split of assets may make sense and
save a lot in legal fees. Legal fees can be big monies
if the two cannot compromise.

[Anonymous]

OP here, my mom has not worked since she became disabled over a decade ago.

My dad had/s a good income from his primary job. I don’t know the income of his secondary job but it’s what he’s been living on since their estrangement. He acquired some property during their marriage and got a significant inheritance. They have decent equity in the home they co-own.

Thank you for all the input.