Elderly parents divorcing—What to expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my mom has not worked since she became disabled over a decade ago.

My dad had/s a good income from his primary job. I don’t know the income of his secondary job but it’s what he’s been living on since their estrangement. He acquired some property during their marriage and got a significant inheritance. They have decent equity in the home they co-own.

Thank you for all the input.

She won't get any of the inheritance.

What's the reason for the breakup?

[Anonymous]

I know the inheritance is not in play. He has/was been abusive and unfaithful. Now that they are entering old age—my mom would prefer to have a legal agreement/settlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the inheritance is not in play. He has/was been abusive and unfaithful. Now that they are entering old age—my mom would prefer to have a legal agreement/settlement.

Don't assume this. In many states inheritance may be considered to be joint.

[Anonymous]

If the inheritance has comingled then it is in play. Your mom and dad should stay married unless she is worried he is about to run off with all the money. That is another issue. As someone who is been through this, do everything to keep them from divorcing. Next thing is dad will remarry and then it is even more of a nightmare and you will be totally stuck taking care of your mom. If they are married then you can get him to at least go through some pleasantries for the sake of your kids having normal grandparents and as they get really old then they tend to mellow and actually may get along again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the inheritance has comingled then it is in play. Your mom and dad should stay married unless she is worried he is about to run off with all the money. That is another issue. As someone who is been through this, do everything to keep them from divorcing. Next thing is dad will remarry and then it is even more of a nightmare and you will be totally stuck taking care of your mom. If they are married then you can get him to at least go through some pleasantries for the sake of your kids having normal grandparents and as they get really old then they tend to mellow and actually may get along again.

My dad does not have a relationship with my kids and my siblings and I are fully aware we will be in charge on mom’s care. She is worried he will disappear with all the money. He’s done it before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are mid-60s.

mid sixties is not really considered elderly anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize. My parents split after 33 years of marriage and my dad successfully screwed my mom over financially. He was a career military officer, and she was never able to work because we moved so often, and through some serious BS moves he was able to shelter a much larger proportion of his pension than he should have. He had always been a narcissist and an alcoholic and a certifiable far-right conspiracy theorist but was so awful during the divorce process he managed to alienate all three of his children (and has never met any of his grandchildren). Some of his behavior....in one memorable letter he detailed my mother's sexual inadequacies to justify him leaving her. I mean, I'm glad they got divorced but he went scorched-earth and didn't seem to care that he was breaking his parental relationship as well as his marriage.

I don't think you're going to be able to stay neutral given your father's past behavior. You would be well-served to find an extremely good divorce attorney and to help pay for that person if you have to. I think you need to get that legal settlement in place ASAP.

[Anonymous]

This is why I won't divorce my disabled spouse, even though our marriage is horrible (and mostly always has been). I would divorce in a heartbeat but for the knowledge that if I do, the caretaking becomes my children's burden. I cannot do that to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I won't divorce my disabled spouse, even though our marriage is horrible (and mostly always has been). I would divorce in a heartbeat but for the knowledge that if I do, the caretaking becomes my children's burden. I cannot do that to them.

If your spouse is disabled you will likely have to pay alimony until they remarry. My friends husband was shocked to find out he'd still be supporting her. She found a boyfriend and still got a nice check from ex hubby each month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I won't divorce my disabled spouse, even though our marriage is horrible (and mostly always has been). I would divorce in a heartbeat but for the knowledge that if I do, the caretaking becomes my children's burden. I cannot do that to them.

If your spouse is disabled you will likely have to pay alimony until they remarry. My friends husband was shocked to find out he'd still be supporting her. She found a boyfriend and still got a nice check from ex hubby each month.

Did you READ the PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are mid-60s.

mid sixties is not really considered elderly anymore.

+1. I thought this was going to be about 80-year-olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are mid-60s.

mid sixties is not really considered elderly anymore.

+1. I thought this was going to be about 80-year-olds.

First 30 years are when you’re young, then the second 30 are middle age and the last 30 are elderly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are mid-60s.

mid sixties is not really considered elderly anymore.

+1. I thought this was going to be about 80-year-olds.

First 30 years are when you’re young, then the second 30 are middle age and the last 30 are elderly

I would make that 40, 30, and 30. People in their 30s are still young. And people in their 60s aren’t elderly. It’s all perspective I guess.

[Anonymous]

Have you looked into social security benefits? Your mom would be able to receive some benefits under your dad’s record even if they divorced, since they meet the requirement of having been married at least 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are mid-60s.

mid 60s is "elderly?" wow