If you went "no contact" with family member, how did that work out?

[Anonymous]

Hi! I am looking to hear about experiences people had had with going "no contact" with a family member. No judgments.

Did you have a conversation before the estrangement, or just suddenly stop reaching out and responding, or a slow fade?

Did the estranged family member threaten you, come after you, malign you, make your life difficult? How did you handle?

Did you go it alone, or have a therapist's help?

Did you run into issues with other family members and events, like graduations, funerals, holidays where the family member you cut off might be invited? How did you handle?

How did it work out overall? Was there a positive change in your life, did you get what you needed? Was it worth any complications?

[Anonymous]

It was a long time coming after forgiving and forgetting and the behavior repeating. Then, there was one episode that just was the "straw that broke the camel's back" and I was done. He (my father) was / is such a mean, abusive, narcissist (in addition to other things). Our home growing up with so dysfunctional in LARGE part (the vast majority) because of him. Anyway, he barged in unannounced on a major occasion when no one thought he was coming. He wasn't planned for, paid for, expected . . . it made the entire event super uncomfortable. I just sort of when cold after that. He reached out once after but I brushed him off.

After that, I knew that the narcissist in him wouldn't make the effort to make amends b/c I was just an "asshole", "Punk kid", etc. etc. and he did everything (nothing) for me. I was ungrateful, etc. etc. I knew he'd never make amends so I knew it was over. It's been 20 years.

The only downside is I haven't been to my hometown in that time frame. It's a small town. I would see him. Or, he'd find out through family/friends that I was there. I have just avoided. It has affected my relationship with the rest of my family (just because out of sight, out of mind. But also they expect me just to forget about it. Again.) In the end, however, it is worth it. I am just done with his cancer in my life.

I hear his health is failing and he is starting to slide into dementia. Not sure what I'll do when he passes.

[Anonymous]

Does it have to be so dramatic ? I rarely talk to either of my SILs. We used to talk more frequently, hang out, etc. But both ends kind of dropped the rope and it’s fine. They are, both in their own unique ways, very challenging and I don’t feel a void at all.

[Anonymous]

I cut off my alcoholic mother after 27 years of abuse, 6 moths ago. She still emails me, I ignore. Most recent email asked for my Xmas list, so clearly she doesn’t get it but that’s not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut off my alcoholic mother after 27 years of abuse, 6 moths ago. She still emails me, I ignore. Most recent email asked for my Xmas list, so clearly she doesn’t get it but that’s not my problem.

So you just stopped talking to her, without explanation? No judgment, just curious. Sometimes I think that "ghosting" would be easier than some big crazy confrontation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it have to be so dramatic ? I rarely talk to either of my SILs. We used to talk more frequently, hang out, etc. But both ends kind of dropped the rope and it’s fine. They are, both in their own unique ways, very challenging and I don’t feel a void at all.

Being cut off from a SIL is entirely different from being no contact with your mom or dad. I assume OP is talking about a close family member like a parent or sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a long time coming after forgiving and forgetting and the behavior repeating. Then, there was one episode that just was the "straw that broke the camel's back" and I was done. He (my father) was / is such a mean, abusive, narcissist (in addition to other things). Our home growing up with so dysfunctional in LARGE part (the vast majority) because of him. Anyway, he barged in unannounced on a major occasion when no one thought he was coming. He wasn't planned for, paid for, expected . . . it made the entire event super uncomfortable. I just sort of when cold after that. He reached out once after but I brushed him off.

After that, I knew that the narcissist in him wouldn't make the effort to make amends b/c I was just an "asshole", "Punk kid", etc. etc. and he did everything (nothing) for me. I was ungrateful, etc. etc. I knew he'd never make amends so I knew it was over. It's been 20 years.

The only downside is I haven't been to my hometown in that time frame. It's a small town. I would see him. Or, he'd find out through family/friends that I was there. I have just avoided. It has affected my relationship with the rest of my family (just because out of sight, out of mind. But also they expect me just to forget about it. Again.) In the end, however, it is worth it. I am just done with his cancer in my life.

I hear his health is failing and he is starting to slide into dementia. Not sure what I'll do when he passes.

This sounds a lot like the beginnings of my situation. I think when your father passes, you can decide then if it would be good for you to go see your family or not.

[Anonymous]

Cut off my brother two years ago. Told him that he was dead to me for what he said and I haven't looked back. The only issue will be when my mom passes - that will be the only foreseeable time that I could envision us being in the same room, but he's such an a-hole I could see him skipping it. My sister and mother respect that I don't have any contact with him, so that makes it easier.

[Anonymous]

I told my parents my family needed some space while we work through an issue. My parents then crossed a line instead of respecting boundaries, and basically tried to turn my in laws against me, dh, and our kids. At that point I was finished. I haven’t spoken to them since I told them we needed space. Having that conversation would only lead to excuses or possibly false apologies. If I have to explain why it’s offensive for them to tell my MIL she isn’t a Christian because she supports my LGBT son instead of trying to bully him into confirming to their ideal, I figure they’re a lost cause. (This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. There were years of abuse, toxic behavior, and mental health issues that we had dealt with in addition to the final episode.)

There’s just nowhere to go in a relationship with someone so opposed to our values. I’m not interested in drama, they know what they did, and I’m not looking for reconciliation. I have peace. My kids have support and love. The clean break was best for us.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I went to a contact for three family members for very good reason that I don’t really want to go into right now.

Since then we don’t attend any family events because they continue to invite these people to the event.

I was surprised that they continue to hang out with these three people considering they are involved in family rape, incest.

I am Strong enough in my conviction that it doesn’t bother me that I never see that family anymore. My husband is seeing a therapist. At the time that we cut them off I was seeing a therapist too but I don’t anymore.

[Anonymous]

Straw that broke the camel's back, screaming argument, never spoke to her again (willingly anyway).

She tried to destroy me. She befriended ex-boyfriends or any friend i had a falling out with, testified against me in a custody hearing (I won anyway) etc. Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible person. Be prepared, OP. Some don't go quietly. Still worth it tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Straw that broke the camel's back, screaming argument, never spoke to her again (willingly anyway).

She tried to destroy me. She befriended ex-boyfriends or any friend i had a falling out with, testified against me in a custody hearing (I won anyway) etc. Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible person. Be prepared, OP. Some don't go quietly. Still worth it tho.

Wow!! Testified against you. Horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Straw that broke the camel's back, screaming argument, never spoke to her again (willingly anyway).

She tried to destroy me. She befriended ex-boyfriends or any friend i had a falling out with, testified against me in a custody hearing (I won anyway) etc. Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible person. Be prepared, OP. Some don't go quietly. Still worth it tho.

I think we must be long-lost sisters, because this is my mom exactly.

She still calls or texts from random numbers, especially on the holidays. I just ignore them. I'm sure one day she'll show up at my house, but so far she hasn't.

No regrets on going no contact, though. She was an abusive mother and did a lot of damage to me.

[Anonymous]

Great! It feels like the trash took itself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a long time coming after forgiving and forgetting and the behavior repeating. Then, there was one episode that just was the "straw that broke the camel's back" and I was done. He (my father) was / is such a mean, abusive, narcissist (in addition to other things). Our home growing up with so dysfunctional in LARGE part (the vast majority) because of him. Anyway, he barged in unannounced on a major occasion when no one thought he was coming. He wasn't planned for, paid for, expected . . . it made the entire event super uncomfortable. I just sort of when cold after that. He reached out once after but I brushed him off.

After that, I knew that the narcissist in him wouldn't make the effort to make amends b/c I was just an "asshole", "Punk kid", etc. etc. and he did everything (nothing) for me. I was ungrateful, etc. etc. I knew he'd never make amends so I knew it was over. It's been 20 years.

The only downside is I haven't been to my hometown in that time frame. It's a small town. I would see him. Or, he'd find out through family/friends that I was there. I have just avoided. It has affected my relationship with the rest of my family (just because out of sight, out of mind. But also they expect me just to forget about it. Again.) In the end, however, it is worth it. I am just done with his cancer in my life.

I hear his health is failing and he is starting to slide into dementia. Not sure what I'll do when he passes.

This sounds a lot like the beginnings of my situation. I think when your father passes, you can decide then if it would be good for you to go see your family or not.

Sounds like my situation with my father too. Could have written the first 2 paragraphs. OP, it has worked out fine for me and my family (my siblings as well). We are far better off without him - he is a cancer that spreads stress and chaos and misery to everyone he touches. I’ve made my peace with it and since he lives out of state, the whole out of sight out of mind means I think of him basically never.