If you went "no contact" with family member, how did that work out?

[Anonymous]

My brother started screaming at me in a work setting (I was trying to help him out for free because a family business needed marketing help and he didn’t like my tone apparently). It brought back memories of the abuse I endured growing up with him including throwing baseball bats, him trying to hit me with his hands and kicking me. I honestly had blocked those out of my brain. Haven’t spoken to him in 6 months. I am sure he thinks he did nothing wrong because basically he always thinks he’s right and everyone else is an idiot. I’m due in a few months and I finally just realized that when your own sibling screams at their pregnant sister, it’s time to cut ties. Best decision ever.

[Anonymous]

Did you have a conversation before the estrangement, or just suddenly stop reaching out and responding, or a slow fade? 

We had a strained but cordial relationship that came to a head when my FIL lashed out and said incredibly hurtful, relationship-ending things to me, in front of DH and MIL. I kept my cool during the moment and basically responded that I was sorry he didn't like me, but that DH and I were a great match and I wasn't going anywhere and I was the mother of the only grandkid he would ever have. I didn't speak with FIL or MIL for 2 months during which time I became increasingly upset as I ruminated on what he said to me and how DH didn't verbally defend me in the moment.


Did the estranged family member threaten you, come after you, malign you, make your life difficult? How did you handle? 

His wife, my MIL, who has enabled (and been the recipient of) his emotional abuse for 50+ years, went around to all my family (just showing up randomly at their house or work) and tried to convince them that what her DH said to me wasn't that bad and I should just get over it. That damaged my relationship with her, as I didn't appreciate her trying to use social pressure to manipulate me into sweeping things under the rug.

Did you go it alone, or have a therapist's help? 

I agreed to go to a family therapy session with DH and his parents. It was unproductive. FIL said he didn't feel he had anything to apologize for and flat out denied saying things that both DH and I heard him say.


Did you run into issues with other family members and events, like graduations, funerals, holidays where the family member you cut off might be invited? How did you handle? 

DH visits them occasionally and brings DC with him. We have agreed on boundaries that he will not leave DC unsupervised with his father and will remove DC if his father verbally disparages me in front of DC.


How did it work out overall? Was there a positive change in your life, did you get what you needed? Was it worth any complications? 

Yes, the positive side is that I am not subjected to my FILs behavior. I do not need to accept poor treatment and verbal abuse from anyone. I don't spend any time or energy managing in law relationships as that is completely up to DH if he wants to foster a relationship between our kid and his parents.

The downside is that I don't see my MIL, who I had a reasonably good relationship with before all this happened. It puts my DH in a difficult place and strained our marriage for a while. The rejection and unfair criticism from FIL is also hurtful when I think about it on occasion.

[Anonymous]

I had been pulling back for 6 months after a spat of particularly abusive behavior. Finally, I wrote and sent a letter explaining in very high level terms that the bad behavior had indeed been abusive, what my boundaries would be, what I would do if those boundaries were crossed. I avoided any real detail of past behavior because I didn't want to get in a pissing match about our different interpretations of what exactly had happened.

We now have very limited contact, and it's great. I am keeping enough contact to assuage my conscience, but enough distance to stay healthy and sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had been pulling back for 6 months after a spat of particularly abusive behavior. Finally, I wrote and sent a letter explaining in very high level terms that the bad behavior had indeed been abusive, what my boundaries would be, what I would do if those boundaries were crossed. I avoided any real detail of past behavior because I didn't want to get in a pissing match about our different interpretations of what exactly had happened.

We now have very limited contact, and it's great. I am keeping enough contact to assuage my conscience, but enough distance to stay healthy and sane.

I should have also said: I turned down a late offer for family counseling for the two of us, because long experience tells me that she re-writes every situation anyway and makes me doubt my own understanding of reality. For many years, I believed her versions and doubted my own memory, but this last year brought a lot of independent verification.

[Anonymous]

Have talked to sister dearest for a year, since our mom’s funeral. About 6 months before that, Sister dearest shoved me into a bookcase and then screamed, actually screamed, horrible curses and personal insults at me for hours. We were all under stress—it was the day we brought my mom from the hospital home to hospice, and sister dearest had had to cut short a European vacation to come back early. But still. Sis denies doing any of that, so a few months later sis cornered me and tried to re-write everything, but adding more insults and hissing about how much she hates me. That time I secretly recorded her on my iPhone—wish I had done it the first time. Sis can’t deny the iPhone recording of her behavior.

But yes, some don’t go quietly and will desperately seek validation/vindication throughout your friend and family groups. Sis has been making up stuff I supposedly did that supposedly caused our fight and sharing it with relatives and friends around the world. Some of her fabrications are so silly that people must look at her like she has two heads. Sis seems paranoid that word will get out about her behavior—she’s asked me a few times whether I told X, Y, or Z my side of the story. But honestly I haven’t told anybody about her, that we’re estranged, or why. When relatives ask me how she is, I just nod and say she’s doing fine. I have a nice and full life with my own family and friends (both my parents are dead) and I don’t think about her that much. Sis is isolated in the countryside with a DH who is probably on the spectrum, which may explain her paranoia.

FWIW, she and her husband have a long history of picking fights with many of the same relatives she now trashes me to. Judging by our relatives’ behavior—they freely contact me, as recently as two days ago, to ask for US-based favors that she could have done—they’ve got sis’ number and her attempts to badmouth me have backfired.

Would I like to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with my one remaining family member (apart from my own kids and DH)? Sure. But at this point it’s pretty clear her tirade didn’t come out of nowhere (like I thought at the time), instead she’s hated me for years. I don’t need that.