Husband’s Mother Died On My Birthday - Help
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Anonymous
| A little background - for my birthday I like to do something simple - maybe dinner and a movie. Last year my husband’s mother died on my birthday. It was a major birthday for me and we had planned to take a trip up to NY and overnight but in light of her death we did nothing and just focused on family and funeral arrangements. Although the anniversary date of her death is still a couple of months away (next Spring), he is already talking about the date and how he wants to plans to honor her. I get it but I’m ordinarily very low key and really only ask for a little extra special treatment a couple of time per year - my bday and Mother’s Day. I also lost my mom three years ago and took it really really hard (still am) so not having her on my birthday always weighs heavily on my mind and it now sounds like there will be an even bigger cloud surrounding that day given how my husband is acting. Any advice? |
Anonymous
| I'd pick a week after my birthday to celebrate this year. I was a mess on the anniversary of my Mom passing. |
Anonymous
| Are you 5, OP? Seriously?! |
Anonymous
It would be much easier to celebrate on a different weekend. Pick a weekend before or after. The first anniversary is often the hardest and you can't just reschedule grief. There is no way he will be in the right headspace to be all happy and excited and gushing over you like you want. Why not plan a NY trip a couple weekends before or after? Celebrating birthdays can be on a range of days. |
Anonymous
This. You need to get it in your mind now that a different day will be the day you celebrate and just deal with it. |
Anonymous
Selfish, OP. Pretty ironic that part of your issue is grieving for yourself mom but you don’t want your husband to grieve for his? There’s another thread about celebrating the half-birthday, maybe do that?  . At any rate, I agree with others that you should pick a different day to celebrate.
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Anonymous
| That first anniversary can be brutal for a lot of people, OP. Do something special for yourself on your actual birthday. And plan to celebrate with your family the next week. |
Anonymous
| You're not actually low-key and simple about your birthday, OP. |
Anonymous
| Do something on the first of your birthday month. Take the month back, but give him the day of, if that makes sense. Anniversaries are especially hard for most people. Find a way to have your celebration around the time of, not the actual day of your birthday. |
Anonymous
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The anniversary of his mother’s death trumps your birthday, OP.
What would you think of your son’s wife wanting to whoop it up on the anniversary of your death? |
Anonymous
| Is this a for real question? It can’t be for real. No grown people are actually like this about their birthday, or at a minimum can’t move the ritual to a time when when your spouse is not focused on his dead mother. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Omg. You are really selfish. Can you not celebrate your birthday on another day? I feel for your husband. |
Anonymous
+1 Give yourself a little treat on your birthday, but let him grieve on that day. He needs to grieve and he certainly won't be up to celebrating anything. Asking him to birthday on that date will shortchange both of you. He'll be able to give you more of himself when his emotions aren't so torn. He may not quite be back to his normal emotional state, but he'll be a lot better. |
Anonymous
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I feel like men get a pass for everything. |