Husband’s Mother Died On My Birthday - Help

[Anonymous]

Time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a for real question? It can’t be for real. No grown people are actually like this about their birthday, or at a minimum can’t move the ritual to a time when when your spouse is not focused on his dead mother.

I think OP is wise to think ahead. Otherwise in 10 years, she still spends her birthday mourning her late MIL. I know multiple people whose birthdays were essentially eliminated by family deaths or 9/11. A moment of silence or a toast at a birthday dinner is sufficient honor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a for real question? It can’t be for real. No grown people are actually like this about their birthday, or at a minimum can’t move the ritual to a time when when your spouse is not focused on his dead mother.

I think OP is wise to think ahead. Otherwise in 10 years, she still spends her birthday mourning her late MIL. I know multiple people whose birthdays were essentially eliminated by family deaths or 9/11. A moment of silence or a toast at a birthday dinner is sufficient honor.

Yes. OP's birthday should not be forever shrouded in mourning going forward. She is alive, and her husband should celebrate that.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom died on my birthday last year (this week). I get both the urge to celebrate/distract and to distance/grieve.

I’m treating myself in tiny ways and realizing that birthdays will be different from now on.

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice just empathy. My FIL died on our wedding anniversary. We celebrate/remember both now but it has been several years.

What made it worse was for at least 5 years, my SIL would send out a text every year remembering her father on the day of his death. Not optimal OP I know but there is rarely a good time for death.

[Anonymous]

Belle138 wrote:It’s crazy how people on here don’t think adults should celebrate birthday!

OP, let him go or her passing this year, choose another day for your celebration. And then, he has to move on. He can still grieve but your birthday should not forever be clouded by this.

Celebrate? Sure. Make a a big deal about it? Those people are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd pick a week after my birthday to celebrate this year. I was a mess on the anniversary of my Mom passing.

+1
Give yourself a little treat on your birthday, but let him grieve on that day. He needs to grieve and he certainly won't be up to celebrating anything. Asking him to birthday on that date will shortchange both of you. He'll be able to give you more of himself when his emotions aren't so torn. He may not quite be back to his normal emotional state, but he'll be a lot better.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to grow up.

Agreed. The husband should grow up.

[Anonymous]

This is the first year anniversary -- respect that. After this year it is back to celebrating you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to grow up.

Agreed. The husband should grow up.

He has. He, like any other normal person, is bound to have an emotional experience on the first day of his mother's passing.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is still in the grieving process I am assuming & remember: It hasn’t even been a year yet.

As you know, losing one’s Mother is one of the toughest events that we all fully understand.
He truly wants to honor his beloved Mother + I believe you as his wife should honor his request.

I agree that having a simple celebration on another day would be the best thing to do this year.

Who knows how he will feel in the years ahead, but at least for now try to be supportive of his grief.

If he just doesn’t feel like celebrating, then invite a few close girlfriend to help you celebrate!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

If this were me, I would make plans with my best friend the weekend before or after, and go celebrate and have all the fun/special time that I want. On my actual birthday I would shut up about it and support my husband however he needs. Then you get it both ways.

(well actually if this were me I wouldn't do anything for my bday because I never do, but hypothetically if I were the OP)