What is going on with my mother?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been battling a sinus infection for several weeks now. After multiple visits to urgent care, and rounds of antibiotics and steroids, I finally saw my pcp who referred me to an ent and told me that the solution would likely be sinus surgery.

I’ve been keeping my mother in the loop on all this (per her request). When I told her about the latest visit she dismissed everything the doctor said and told me I just need to drink more tea with honey.

Yesterday she called me and went on a 10 minute rant about how my illness is due to me being depressed (I’m not) and fat (I’m maybe 10 lbs overweight). Started yelling at me about how I’m not the only one who has problems and I need to take her suggestions like her friends’ daughters do. I’m at a loss for words.

I already let her know I would most likely not be coming home for thanksgiving as I can barely make it to the grocery store, much less another state.

I guess this is more of a vent than a question, but wtf?!

[Anonymous]

How much is keeping her “in the loop?” Do you unload a lot in conversation? Maybe lay off the details for a bit. I have a friend who unloads and while I want to be there for her, it can become overwhelming. Maybe your mom just lost it.

[Anonymous]

She sounds toxic. Is she always like this? You can't drink from a dry well.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing this isn’t the first time she’s acted this way. Perhaps you’re now accepting that she’s not the parent

[Anonymous]

Sorry ^^^ hit submit accidentally ^^^
You thought she could be. Cut your calls down to minimal conversation.
Hang in there. Hope you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Does she have anxiety? Is she freaking out over the idea of you going under for a surgery, and causing all this drama to try to scare you out of it?

[Anonymous]

You just want to vent and she wants to help and solve. You constantly vent and ignore her suggestions/solutions and both of you are frustrated.

She sees your venting as asking for help. You need to find some who understands venting and will not make suggestions or try to solve your problems. “A sympathetic ear”.

With your mom, you only need to briefly keep her informed- back off on the detailed info. You can ask her to help you in ways you would accept her help and in ways that she is able to help.

Hugs to both of you and I hope your surgery recovery is quick and pain free.

[Anonymous]

OP, since your reaction is "WTF," is this behavior new for her? Out of the ordinary compared to her usual behavior in similar situations?

If yes, this is unusual for her: She sounds like she might be scared for you (maybe she hears "sinus surgery" and her brain goes, "Surgery on my loved one's head, for a condition about which I really know nothing, and my friends' kids have had infections that didn't require surgery so maybe my daughter really won't have to either"). That could be plain fear born out of both caring for you and at the same time being ill-informed because she doesn't realize that sinus surgery is fairly common.

If this is unusual for her: She might be going through things of which you are unaware and which she has been keeping from you because you've been sick. It's odd, then, that she'd explode with "other moms' kids do what they advise" etc. -- but worry for you plus maybe her keeping some trouble of her own away from you could combine to make her lash out. It's not unusual for people to lash out at the person they love the most, when they are afraid for the person they love the most. And when they are afraid for themselves. I know from experience that people sometimes put up their dukes and seem angry at the person for whom they feel the most love and fear. That's not an excuse but it is an explanation.

I'd ask her kindly to tell you what's wrong and what it is she's dealing with herself.

If this is NOT unusual for her, and she tends to push push push you to "take her advice" in other, less important, circumstances -- this is part of her pattern and shouldn't be a "WTF" moment. If that's the case, then I'd just tell her you're sorry she's got things to deal with, and though she may not believe your doctor, you do, and would appreciate her supporting you through surgery even if she feels it's not what she would do herself.

[Anonymous]

How old? Weird behavior was the first sign of my dad’s dementia.

[Anonymous]

1. Seek a second opinion, please.

2. Tell your mother that she is rude and unsupportive in your time of need, and don’t contact her for while. After you recuperate, you can think of next steps.

[Anonymous]

She may have anxiety issues, which sometimes manifest itself in aggression.

My mom, who was normally a very loving and caring person, can react very inappropriately to stressful situations involving us. It's like she couldn't help herself turning into Mr. Hyde.

My brother and I coped with it by not disclosing a lot of info, or only tell her after the fact. It preserved everyone's sanity. As a result, we were not as close to her as we'd have liked, but since she was not getting treatment for her mental illness, that was the price we had to pay.

[Anonymous]

Another..how old? Pretty sure my mom is early stage dementia and I cannot get her an eval even though I had her own doctos push for it. It can make their anxiety crazy and it can make them irritable and mean. I no longer expect any emotional support from my mom and my only goal is to keep her from anxiety or anger outbursts. So, if I were having sinus surgery I would be matter of fact about it. If she lectured me, I'd say "thanks for your input. I got 2 opinions from top rated doctors and this is what I need to do" and then I would change the topic. If she obsessed, I would calmly make an excuse to get off the phone.

You know how young children cannot regulate their emotions so we adults have to stay calm and keep things in check? It's the same with dementia, but also mental illness including personality issues. You set boundaries, stay calm, distract when needed and step back as needed. You would not expect a small child to be your support, so don't expect it from your mom at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another..how old? Pretty sure my mom is early stage dementia and I cannot get her an eval even though I had her own doctos push for it. It can make their anxiety crazy and it can make them irritable and mean. I no longer expect any emotional support from my mom and my only goal is to keep her from anxiety or anger outbursts. So, if I were having sinus surgery I would be matter of fact about it. If she lectured me, I'd say "thanks for your input. I got 2 opinions from top rated doctors and this is what I need to do" and then I would change the topic. If she obsessed, I would calmly make an excuse to get off the phone.

You know how young children cannot regulate their emotions so we adults have to stay calm and keep things in check? It's the same with dementia, but also mental illness including personality issues. You set boundaries, stay calm, distract when needed and step back as needed. You would not expect a small child to be your support, so don't expect it from your mom at this point.

Same poster...forgot to mention, there may be a tiny bit of truth to what your mom says. Some doctors are quick to recommend surgery. I have had it recommended for various issues. My back is doing well thanks to PT, no surgery needed. Sinus polyps went away when I used special spray and stopped dairy for a while. I could go on. It is worth it to get at least one more opinion and ask around.

[Anonymous]

You seem pretty invested in your sinus infection. No one needs that many details.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she really wants you to come for thanksgiving and thinks you are using the sinus infection as an excuse not to come?