What is going on with my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another..how old? Pretty sure my mom is early stage dementia and I cannot get her an eval even though I had her own doctos push for it. It can make their anxiety crazy and it can make them irritable and mean. I no longer expect any emotional support from my mom and my only goal is to keep her from anxiety or anger outbursts. So, if I were having sinus surgery I would be matter of fact about it. If she lectured me, I'd say "thanks for your input. I got 2 opinions from top rated doctors and this is what I need to do" and then I would change the topic. If she obsessed, I would calmly make an excuse to get off the phone.

You know how young children cannot regulate their emotions so we adults have to stay calm and keep things in check? It's the same with dementia, but also mental illness including personality issues. You set boundaries, stay calm, distract when needed and step back as needed. You would not expect a small child to be your support, so don't expect it from your mom at this point.

Same poster...forgot to mention, there may be a tiny bit of truth to what your mom says. Some doctors are quick to recommend surgery. I have had it recommended for various issues. My back is doing well thanks to PT, no surgery needed. Sinus polyps went away when I used special spray and stopped dairy for a while. I could go on. It is worth it to get at least one more opinion and ask around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another..how old? Pretty sure my mom is early stage dementia and I cannot get her an eval even though I had her own doctos push for it. It can make their anxiety crazy and it can make them irritable and mean. I no longer expect any emotional support from my mom and my only goal is to keep her from anxiety or anger outbursts. So, if I were having sinus surgery I would be matter of fact about it. If she lectured me, I'd say "thanks for your input. I got 2 opinions from top rated doctors and this is what I need to do" and then I would change the topic. If she obsessed, I would calmly make an excuse to get off the phone.

You know how young children cannot regulate their emotions so we adults have to stay calm and keep things in check? It's the same with dementia, but also mental illness including personality issues. You set boundaries, stay calm, distract when needed and step back as needed. You would not expect a small child to be your support, so don't expect it from your mom at this point.

Same poster...forgot to mention, there may be a tiny bit of truth to what your mom says. Some doctors are quick to recommend surgery. I have had it recommended for various issues. My back is doing well thanks to PT, no surgery needed. Sinus polyps went away when I used special spray and stopped dairy for a while. I could go on. It is worth it to get at least one more opinion and ask around.

PP, what special spray did you use for your sinuses??

[Anonymous]

Off topic but you really should get a second opinion. Surgery because of a sinus infection for several weeks?

[Anonymous]

When you call her, do you just start rambling about yourself or do you ask how she's doing? What she's up to?

Don't need to keep mentioning your problems. To her, sinus infection can be cured easily but since you don't take her advice, why keep mentioning the problem to her. Or you can just say, i tried that, it isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, normally she is the one needing all the attention? She is the one that is "sick" one? This is the case with my mother, who actually had a ton of health issues. I kid you not, she got a both knee replacement surgery because my dad was really sick(has passed since) and all the attention went from her to him, regarding health. Granted her knees were not that great, but it was not at the surgery point yet. She had my sister who is a doctor, pull strings to get her into surgery...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Off topic but you really should get a second opinion. Surgery because of a sinus infection for several weeks?

Agree. Also, use a nasal rinse religiously (Neil Med is good, thw bottle, not one of those ridiculous pot things).

[Anonymous]

Seek a second opinion. All that pain from sinus surgery and I’m right back where I was.

[Anonymous]

My sil had a sinus surgery but because her polyps were going to come out of her nose. She ended up in ER several times afterwards because of insane migraines. Now her blood pressure is off the charts and she was not functioning for over 6 months. I too would ask for a second opinion if they are really going to operate just bcs of one sinus infection. btw, I am hypochondriac mother pp. My mom had TWO sinus surgeries, nobody knows if is was needed anymore of for attention.

[Anonymous]

You know how teenagers act like horrid banshees for a year or two, and it actually is part of the leaving-the-nest process?

I think it's kind of like that for older people as well, as they prepare to say goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another..how old? Pretty sure my mom is early stage dementia and I cannot get her an eval even though I had her own doctos push for it. It can make their anxiety crazy and it can make them irritable and mean. I no longer expect any emotional support from my mom and my only goal is to keep her from anxiety or anger outbursts. So, if I were having sinus surgery I would be matter of fact about it. If she lectured me, I'd say "thanks for your input. I got 2 opinions from top rated doctors and this is what I need to do" and then I would change the topic. If she obsessed, I would calmly make an excuse to get off the phone.

You know how young children cannot regulate their emotions so we adults have to stay calm and keep things in check? It's the same with dementia, but also mental illness including personality issues. You set boundaries, stay calm, distract when needed and step back as needed. You would not expect a small child to be your support, so don't expect it from your mom at this point.

Same poster...forgot to mention, there may be a tiny bit of truth to what your mom says. Some doctors are quick to recommend surgery. I have had it recommended for various issues. My back is doing well thanks to PT, no surgery needed. Sinus polyps went away when I used special spray and stopped dairy for a while. I could go on. It is worth it to get at least one more opinion and ask around.

PP, what special spray did you use for your sinuses??

I was prescribed one about 16 years ago-don't recall. These days I use flonase as needed and it helps me a lot.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry your mother's response to you has not been helpful. I agree that staying home for Thanksgiving sounds best, and I hope that you can find a pleasant, low-key way to celebrate this year.

It is impossible to know someone else's motivation, and speculating at such is often a one-way ticket to feeling wound-up. You can, however, cut down on the feelings of irritation. Just reduce the flow of information to your mom. She does not have a right to your information. Just be vague if she asks. You're "Ok, thanks." You have no new updates about your sinuses to share (even if you've seen three specialists this week). You know that her response won't be helpful, so stop inviting it. Seek support from people who can be relied upon to be emotionally safe and to trust your judgement and experience as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Do it old fashion way, suggest mom to motivate your son in different way - 100 bucks per pound certified and verifiable.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my mom. I stopped telling her anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic but you really should get a second opinion. Surgery because of a sinus infection for several weeks?

Agree. Also, use a nasal rinse religiously (Neil Med is good, thw bottle, not one of those ridiculous pot things).

This. I didn't need sinus surgery, I needed daily neti rinses, plus allergy meds, plus airborne and food allergy testing.

With that said, it may be time to keep.info to mom to a minimum. I had to start doing that in my 30s, because my mom was so angry at me for not living near her "like all the other daughters."

She's probably angry and anxious at the same time OP. Hope you feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

IMO, after reading between the lines, I think maybe you are overdoing the information about YOUR condition and perhaps your mother is tired of hearing it.

Every day I see people in wheelchairs, those using canes, people with limbs in casts, those going through chemotherapy, etc. and they seem to be able to go about their business, including working and taking care of errands.

But you state you can barely make it to the grocery store - because of your sinus condition?? Seems overly dramatic to me.