Covering for a not-so-nice grandparent

[Anonymous]

How far do you go to make your parent appear to be a nicer grandparent than they are if your kid is young? For reference, DD is 4 and her other grandparents are basically stereotypical grandparents- energetic, warm, generous, and a safe haven from the world. My mother visits twice a year and is very hands-off. But my mother is a piece of work. She says rude things about people in front of DD, makes promises and breaks them, bails out of plans that have been made ahead of time, etc. My impulse lately is to cover for her and give DD a while longer to have her illusions. This means when my mom doesn’t want to play bc she wants to be on her phone, I redirect DD and make a nice excuse for my mom (“grandma has been so busy and needs a break”). If my mom doesn’t want to come to the special grandparents’ event at school during her visit, I make an excuse to DD that makes my mom look good. The latest is with Christmas presents- my mom told DD that she could pick anything on a certain page of a catalogue if she chose it by a certain day. DD has been SO excited about this thing and it took a lot of little-kid effort to finally commit to her choice. She told my mom her pick and my mom immediately changed the rules and was like “you can have any of these things on these other pages and the thing can’t be more than X amount.” Basically it was an arbitrary budget that conveniently happened to rule out the one thing DD set her heart on.

DD is now writing sad little notes to Santa asking if he can add it to her list and is so disappointed. Santa will probably come through but at what point do you tell a very little kid not to trust the promises of their own grandparent?

[Anonymous]

I think what you’re doing is the right approach- and the same one I took. At that young age kids don’t understand nuances of adults and trying to explain that grandma is a liar or manipulator now is not a good idea lol. I always did it in stages of age and the older my kids got the more they understood. I wouldn’t outright lie to cover, but putting things in the best light so your child is happy is not a bad thing.

Sometimes being the bigger person for your child is the best - but it’s not to say you can’t call out your mom. Stand up for your DD and express your disappointment with your mom - and how it’s affecting YOU.

[Anonymous]

You’re doing this. You set your kid up for disappointment. YOU need to stop.

Your child has 2 living grandparents, focus all your grandparent energy on your ILs. Schedule their visits for grandparent day at school. Let your mom fade into the background. Trust me, if you stop making a big deal about her visits and attention, your DD will follow your lead.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I’m OP and I ultimately agree with you, PP. I do think I am setting DD up. I just want her to feel loved by as many adults as possible and it breaks my heart to see others with two sets of involved, invested grandparents.

PP, don’t you think she’s way too young to have to realize that some people and families have/give unconditional love and some don’t? It seems like a horrible thing for a young child to internalize if it can be postponed.

[Anonymous]

She will figure it out on her own if she hasn’t already. Mine did at around that age. Kids are so perceptive.

[Anonymous]

I didn't really cover, and when my mother did and said egregious things, I explained to my children, who were in preschool and elementary at the time, that she wasn't quite right in the head and it made her act out. Which is the truth. My kids take everything she says and does with a grain of salt, which is exactly what I want them to do.

[Anonymous]

She only visits twice a year? She is breaking promises and also not coming to grandparent days at school during her twice a year visits. I do think it is odd she is visiting you and still not going to a school event. But you dont control her and neither does your daughter. Tell her her grandmother is not interested in those sort of activities. Better for your daughter learn not everyone always does what you want.

[Anonymous]

In this case I’d say grandma has a budget

[Anonymous]

Stop inviting your mom when there is a school event going on, make it a week when nothing is happening. Even limit the visits to once a year.

As for the promises all you can do is tell your daughter that grandmas promises don't always come true.

Your daughter will learn to adjust, just don't set her up to fail.

Tell your mom from now on she will have to buy a Christmas gift herself and surprise DD, no more asking DD what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Don’t gaslight your child.

[Anonymous]

I spent the whole evening thinking about the gaslight comment above, which was probably offhand but really triggered some introspection for me and DH.

DD is at an age when I want to cultivate her gut feelings and help her start learning to trust that voice that says “this person isn’t who they’re saying are.” It’s so important, especially for girls and women, and If I’m invalidating the treatment, verbal or nonverbal, that she’s experiencing in her own family? Kind of a big fail. So...thank you to the curt but very helpful PP!

[Anonymous]

I think that you are hurt by your mom because you have certain expectations of a mom and so you imagine that your daughter will be as hurt by her as you are and therefore need to cover to protect DD. But your DD already has a great mom and won’t experience your mom’s failures with the same disappointment that you do. Don’t pretend that your mom is this wonderfully loving person in her life so she can discover later that she’s not. Instead treat her more as a distant relative (shouldn’t be hard at 2 visits a year).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing this. You set your kid up for disappointment. YOU need to stop.

Your child has 2 living grandparents, focus all your grandparent energy on your ILs. Schedule their visits for grandparent day at school. Let your mom fade into the background. Trust me, if you stop making a big deal about her visits and attention, your DD will follow your lead.

This, and have santa get the thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing this. You set your kid up for disappointment. YOU need to stop.

Your child has 2 living grandparents, focus all your grandparent energy on your ILs. Schedule their visits for grandparent day at school. Let your mom fade into the background. Trust me, if you stop making a big deal about her visits and attention, your DD will follow your lead.

This, and have santa get the thing.

I agree, except this one gift should come from you, because Santa asked you to get it for your daughter. I would not let your dd think that your mom had any role, or that Santa makes wishes made to your mom come true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing this. You set your kid up for disappointment. YOU need to stop.

Your child has 2 living grandparents, focus all your grandparent energy on your ILs. Schedule their visits for grandparent day at school. Let your mom fade into the background. Trust me, if you stop making a big deal about her visits and attention, your DD will follow your lead.

+1

Kids make up their own minds in due time, OP. Even if you only had (1) living, lousy grandparent, don’t bother - because that’s all they are. Your kids aren’t stupid.