A very mild IL Thanksgiving family question

[Anonymous]

I enjoy hosting my ILs for Thanksgiving; FIL/MIL and DH's aunt are overnight guests. We have a great time.

MIL and aunt-in-law both contribute to the meal. I accept offers for help. I ensure that their family's dishes are included in the overall menu. I open my kitchen to them for parts of the day and the day before.

The only (minor) issue is that they are always chasing after me to start/do my parts earlier. I have it all timed out, and have never once served dinner late. My turkey comes out great every year. We eat at the time I say we are going to eat. I go so far as to show them my written plan when they seem concerned.

But they are always pushing me. "What time are you setting your alarm in the morning?" (No need; it's a 16-pound turkey, and we eat at 5 p.m.) "Why aren't you preheating the oven?" (I point to the plan; preheating is scheduled for 1.5 hours from now.) "Why isn't it in?! Haven't you put the turkey in?!" (Written plan: turkey goes in soon, but not now.) Same deal for other items like stuffing and mashed potatoes, too.

How can I get them to relax? The proof is in the pudding: when I host, we eat well, and on time. I've reminded them that I've got the written plan, and everything always comes together. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

My mom calls me every year to make sure I’ve been up since 5 am. I think she believes that if you don’t get up pointlessly early, you haven’t properly martyred yourself to the cause. The best was the year I was on the west coast, and she called at 7 am eastern time because I hadn’t texted her to confirm that I’d started the turkey.

I used to think Thanksgiving was an impossible meal until I hosted for the first time, and realized that my mom had a lot of arbitrary rules about the order of preparations for the day that made it really challenging. Understatement, but she has some anxiety issues. Yours probably do, too, and nothing will make them relax. But thank you for the laugh bc you described my mom’s Turkey Anxiety so much better than I ever have.

[Anonymous]

NP. I have a theory that women of a certain age resent that it doesn't take a million years to cook a turkey if you don't stuff the turkey. And they REALLY resent if you follow food safety guidelines and don't stuff the turkey.

Sounds like you don't stuff your turkey, OP! They might not even know what they're offended about on a conscious level. But I know for sure my mom rolls her eyes at food safety guidelines and somehow feels that if you don't get up at 7 to put the turkey in, you haven't put in enough elbow grease to call yourself a hostess.

[Anonymous]

Give them a shot of holiday pecan whiskey and tell them to settle down.

[Anonymous]

I’d probably tell them in a joking way to get out of the kitchen because they’re making me crazy and that I have it handled. Maybe have a puzzle and some games on hand to occupy people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d probably tell them in a joking way to get out of the kitchen because they’re making me crazy and that I have it handled. Maybe have a puzzle and some games on hand to occupy people?

A puzzle is a great idea; thank you!

[Anonymous]

Maybe they’d secretly like to eat earlier.

[Anonymous]

I'm hosting for the first time this year and maybe I need a written plan like you have, OP? Can you share it?

[Anonymous]

"I know it's your anxiety disorder talking, but please stop asking because you're stressing me out."

Then for every subsequent question, hold up The Plan to their faces, and don't dignify with an answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they’d secretly like to eat earlier.[/quote

Actually, PP might be on to something. What time did their family usually have Thanksgiving? Ours was always at 1 or 2pm and we had leftovers for dinner. If that their time was earlier as well, they may be getting really angsty by the time things are happening for a 5pm meal. The distraction idea above may help.

[Anonymous]

“So you’re worried that I’ll be stressed out and that the meal won’t turn out okay. I appreciate that. That’s why I follow this plan. It works every year.”

[Anonymous]

Give them a task like making turkey napkin rings with your kids. My MIL can’t cook and can basically only follow one recipe at a time and poorly at that. She likes to wander into my kitchen and start telling me random stories, getting in the way and messing with my flow. I send her on an errand or give her an activity to do with the kids so my FIL and I can cook. Each family member has their own strengths and talents - focus them where they are most useful.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you have your husband take them out on an excursion for the middle part of the day so they can something else to focus on and enjoy alone time with their son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they’d secretly like to eat earlier.

We have food available all day. Eggs, muffins and sausage for breakfast. Butternut squash and apple soup and salad for lunch (and "help yourself" for anything else you want). Light appetizers at about 3. It's an open kitchen; help yourself, any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"I know it's your anxiety disorder talking, but please stop asking because you're stressing me out."

Then for every subsequent question, hold up The Plan to their faces, and don't dignify with an answer.

That's way harsh, Tai.