Is it normal for parents (70s) to not have told their kids anything about estate planning?

[Anonymous]

My parents have been open about where to find everything we need if/when they pass. We know who they plan to be the executor of their estates, we know their funeral wishes, that sort of thing. Just things that will make it easier when the time comes. Meanwhile, DH's parents refuse to talk about any of this. We wouldn't even know where to look or who to talk to if something bad happens. Is this normal? If it's not, what's the best way to bring it up?

*This isn't about money, we're not expecting large inheritances or anything, it's because I've had friends recently whose parents have passed and it's been incredibly time consuming and stressful (and in one incident destroyed her marriage).

[Anonymous]

This is the deal - if they pass away and things aren't in order it will all eventually sort out. At that point it's just stuff and money.

I'm not going to stress out, it isn't worth it to me. It'll all settle when it settles.

My concern is when they are alive.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my parents refuse to tell me anything. Recently one said the sibling had POA, not me. Jumped for joy and finally can move out of state as let them be the caretaker from now on. I couldn't figure out what they were hiding and now I know. They wanted me to do all the work and sibling get to make all the decisions like when we were kids.

Some don't want to think about it, some are hiding something.

If you don't have POA its a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Most parents don’t want to contemplate their death.

Do you have a will, op? Does everyone in your family know where it is and who is executor?

[Anonymous]

My parents tell me too much about it!

DH's gave us a sealed envelope containing instructions, which we've not opened. Recently they have talked about wanting to set up a trust.

[Anonymous]

Dh’s mom is like that. She has issues. I helped my dad with his financial paperwork, so I knew everything I needed to know, thankfully. I’ve told my dh and my sister that everything is in the “green binder” on my desk. That has all the account info and my will, in case something should happen to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my parents refuse to tell me anything. Recently one said the sibling had POA, not me. Jumped for joy and finally can move out of state as let them be the caretaker from now on. I couldn't figure out what they were hiding and now I know. They wanted me to do all the work and sibling get to make all the decisions like when we were kids.

Some don't want to think about it, some are hiding something.

If you don't have POA its a nightmare.

If you have POA and you're on a cruise ship to some exotic locale enjoying margaritas and something bad happens to one of your parents..what happens if they can't reach you? You'll be off having fun, playing in the ocean, zip lining or whatever completely oblivious to your parents' emergency. Do you think the world should stand still and no decisions made until they can reach you? Of course not.

Stuff happens even when things are perfectly put in place. You can't stop living your life simply because your parent is getting older. In fact, I'm sure that's the last thing your parent would ever want you to do. Thus the vagueness...

[Anonymous]

Yes my parents have told me where their will is and what their wishes are.

In-laws are like children and expect DH to make every decision for them.

[Anonymous]

My Dad gave POA to my older sister and brother. We also have copies of his current will. Pretty straight forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my parents refuse to tell me anything. Recently one said the sibling had POA, not me. Jumped for joy and finally can move out of state as let them be the caretaker from now on. I couldn't figure out what they were hiding and now I know. They wanted me to do all the work and sibling get to make all the decisions like when we were kids.

Some don't want to think about it, some are hiding something.

If you don't have POA its a nightmare.

If you have POA and you're on a cruise ship to some exotic locale enjoying margaritas and something bad happens to one of your parents..what happens if they can't reach you? You'll be off having fun, playing in the ocean, zip lining or whatever completely oblivious to your parents' emergency. Do you think the world should stand still and no decisions made until they can reach you? Of course not.

Stuff happens even when things are perfectly put in place. You can't stop living your life simply because your parent is getting older. In fact, I'm sure that's the last thing your parent would ever want you to do. Thus the vagueness...

That is the problem. I haven't been able to travel or do much for several years as I was the guardian to another family member. My sibling is out of state, only comes home for a few days 1-2 times a year and has never helped the family in anyway and expects everyone to cater to them. Sibling travels 4+ weeks a year too. They will not drop everything for the emergency or go to a nursing home care plan meeting. I am the one close by and I am the one who has been dragged into doing everything, including with my own money to buy things like walkers. I get the calls, not my sibling about the parent not being in compliance with doctors or therapists. So, if I wasn't chosen as POA, why am I fielding those calls when my sibling needs to do it. They should have put me as primary and sibling as secondary or both of us joint. Why should I do all the hard work with no authority?

So, now I'm going on my cruise and not worrying about getting all those phone calls as I'm happily handing out my siblings number and say call them as the POA, I have no authority. Sibling will say call me but cannot do that now as I have no authority.

None of them have any concept of what its like being a caregiver. I just did it for 5 years. Happy to do it for the person I did it for as they loved and appreciated me. And, yes, my life did stop. The one time we traveled for 4 days, something bad did happen and I had to fly back to take her to the ER as nursing facility refused any medical care and it was a fracture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my parents refuse to tell me anything. Recently one said the sibling had POA, not me. Jumped for joy and finally can move out of state as let them be the caretaker from now on. I couldn't figure out what they were hiding and now I know. They wanted me to do all the work and sibling get to make all the decisions like when we were kids.

Some don't want to think about it, some are hiding something.

If you don't have POA its a nightmare.

If you have POA and you're on a cruise ship to some exotic locale enjoying margaritas and something bad happens to one of your parents..what happens if they can't reach you? You'll be off having fun, playing in the ocean, zip lining or whatever completely oblivious to your parents' emergency. Do you think the world should stand still and no decisions made until they can reach you? Of course not.

Stuff happens even when things are perfectly put in place. You can't stop living your life simply because your parent is getting older. In fact, I'm sure that's the last thing your parent would ever want you to do. Thus the vagueness...

That is the problem. I haven't been able to travel or do much for several years as I was the guardian to another family member. My sibling is out of state, only comes home for a few days 1-2 times a year and has never helped the family in anyway and expects everyone to cater to them. Sibling travels 4+ weeks a year too. They will not drop everything for the emergency or go to a nursing home care plan meeting. I am the one close by and I am the one who has been dragged into doing everything, including with my own money to buy things like walkers. I get the calls, not my sibling about the parent not being in compliance with doctors or therapists. So, if I wasn't chosen as POA, why am I fielding those calls when my sibling needs to do it. They should have put me as primary and sibling as secondary or both of us joint. Why should I do all the hard work with no authority?

So, now I'm going on my cruise and not worrying about getting all those phone calls as I'm happily handing out my siblings number and say call them as the POA, I have no authority. Sibling will say call me but cannot do that now as I have no authority.

None of them have any concept of what its like being a caregiver. I just did it for 5 years. Happy to do it for the person I did it for as they loved and appreciated me. And, yes, my life did stop. The one time we traveled for 4 days, something bad did happen and I had to fly back to take her to the ER as nursing facility refused any medical care and it was a fracture.

I'm not going to live my life like this. If something doesn't get done perfectly in the nursing home then something doesn't get done perfectly. I'm not going to spend the remnants of my own youth (mid 50's now) hovering over my parent's nursing home bed.

I need to live my life. My siblings need to live their lives. I know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most parents don’t want to contemplate their death.

Do you have a will, op? Does everyone in your family know where it is and who is executor?

OP here - I think there's a big difference between my 3 year old knowing where my will is and my 40-something year old husband knowing where his parents' will is, don't you? And since you asked, yes, I do have a will, and yes, my brother who is listed as the executor does know where to find it.

[Anonymous]

OP again - someone hijacked my thread. Just to be clear, I'm not the person who was scared to move out of town.

[Anonymous]

If the parents are still married and together, I wouldn't worry about anything until one of them dies. The likelihood that they die together at the same time is small.

[Anonymous]

My parents (78 & 80) refuse to discuss any of this. I guess they’re in denial. It’s frustrating, and I know it would make things easier (on me) if they told me now but they clearly don’t care about that.