Is it normal for parents (70s) to not have told their kids anything about estate planning?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s normal when the elderly parents expect their estate situation will cause anger or disappointment. Why not kick that van down the road until they are deal and don’t have to deal with adult child tantrums?

My XH’s parents had to back track. When all the adult kids were in their thirties and married, they promised each child 1/4 of the house proceeds and a million cash, plus funds for each grandchild minus a college contribution. Then the housing bubble burst. Then, my XH went through about 5 years of midlife crisis dating and marrying scammy women. Then, my XSIL decided rather than find a specialist to treat her DC’s mental illness, she would become a psychologist herself. The original package is no longer available. They won’t discuss what is coming.

A friend learned a few days before the funeral that her mother left 50% of the estate to her estranged son. No one has seen him in 25 years and my friend had done everything in those years. But he got half. Her mother kept it a secret because she didn’t want to cope with the disappointment.

Full disclosure: I declined inheritance in favor of other relatives. It has been enormously freeing. DH and I have made our future plans based on what we earn and control. We can interact freely with parents and other relatives.

[Anonymous]

...*This isn't about money, we're not expecting large inheritances or anything, it's because I've had friends recently whose parents have passed and it's been incredibly time consuming and stressful (and in one incident destroyed her marriage).

I think many PPs have missed the above sentence from the OP and also have not been through the death/incapacitation of a parent or MIL/FIL. Leaving inheritance aside, there is a lot that must be done. My mother (my father died in my teens so I have more limited knowledge of what went on) has everything set up in trusts, POA (health/financial), living wills, etc. My siblings and I all know she's got a lock box that lists all bank accounts, life insurance, mutual funds, stocks/bonds, etc. that she's got and we all know where the key is. We don't ALL have to know but at least one of us does. We know who is authorized to make her health care decisions (my brother who lives near her) and who will be executor of her estate (me). My sister and I already know our brother will receive more because he needs it more and because he does more for her.

I spent many years living/traveling overseas for development work. Given the nature of my work, my mother and I met with her attorney to get everything set up in case something happened to me. Even though I owned no 'real property', there would be plenty of things someone had to do in order to get my stuff, get my final paycheck and dispose of my stuff.

My MIL died 10 years ago and my FIL thought it would be fairly painless to close out her estate because he had 'all this stuff' done by a buddy of his from the Knights of Columbus who did estate planning. He was wrong. It was a pain in the ass for him and for us because he had to go through probate and we had to help him. He was so frustrated by the experience that he went to the attorney DH and I used to do our estate planning.

If we got nothing out of that expense but a POAfor FIL, it would have been completely worth it. FIL had a massive stroke a year later and having that POA made things much, much easier and less expensive (for one thing, DH didn't have to go to court in order to make health care decisions for his father). His father never recovered from the stroke and for 2 years, until he died, it was hell. Thank god for that POA. DH was able to pay FIL's bills, sell his car, sell his house, give gifts in FIL's name to grandkids, etc.

I get there may be hard feelings about inheritance but that's really not where the pain point will be if your parent/IL is incapacitated. Being able to act on their behalf and make decisions is the greater hell. People need to plan for that.

[Anonymous]

If you aren’t trying to protect money from creditors or taxes, it’s all pretty simple. File paper with court, pay everyone they owe money to, divide the rest accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents and my ILs have done pretty extensive estate planning and have let us know their wishes and where their relevant documents are located. My MIL was just telling me how they had recently gone to their local funeral home and picked out coffins etc. She didn't want DH and his siblings wasting money on the expensive selections. My FIL has also already written his obituary. My parents recently asked me to meet with their financial adviser so I understand all their accounts and plans. I'm an only child so no sibling tensions there. While I was there we all signed a POA paperwork to keep on file so that its there if I ever need it. The financial adviser said that was the most important thing to do at this point (my parents are mid-70s and in ok health).

I think if you have parents who are unwilling to talk about it it's because their afraid and unprepared. They may not want to admit they don't have a will or any kind of plan.

[Anonymous]

My dad is totally open with us and holds yearly meetings with updates. I don’t think that’s the norm at all, though. It started when he remarried after my mom died.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, it’s very common for parents to not tell their kids anything. My father was 80 when he finally made a will, only after his kids begged him to do so. Some people just can’t confront their own mortality. Even now, he still talks and behaves as if he has all the time in the world.

[Anonymous]

My mom gave me a binder with all of the information I'll need, I really appreciated it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom gave me a binder with all of the information I'll need, I really appreciated it.

I'm an only child, so I don't know if that makes the conversation easier. There isn't any question of who their assets will go to and they already deeded me their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the parents are still married and together, I wouldn't worry about anything until one of them dies. The likelihood that they die together at the same time is small.

The only real issue with this is if one parent handles all the financial and legal issues and the other one is unaware of that. That parent may be fine with knowing about funeral arrangements, etc., but my MIL, for example, is super clueless about their financial situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

...*This isn't about money, we're not expecting large inheritances or anything, it's because I've had friends recently whose parents have passed and it's been incredibly time consuming and stressful (and in one incident destroyed her marriage).

I think many PPs have missed the above sentence from the OP and also have not been through the death/incapacitation of a parent or MIL/FIL. Leaving inheritance aside, there is a lot that must be done. My mother (my father died in my teens so I have more limited knowledge of what went on) has everything set up in trusts, POA (health/financial), living wills, etc. My siblings and I all know she's got a lock box that lists all bank accounts, life insurance, mutual funds, stocks/bonds, etc. that she's got and we all know where the key is. We don't ALL have to know but at least one of us does. We know who is authorized to make her health care decisions (my brother who lives near her) and who will be executor of her estate (me). My sister and I already know our brother will receive more because he needs it more and because he does more for her.

I spent many years living/traveling overseas for development work. Given the nature of my work, my mother and I met with her attorney to get everything set up in case something happened to me. Even though I owned no 'real property', there would be plenty of things someone had to do in order to get my stuff, get my final paycheck and dispose of my stuff.

My MIL died 10 years ago and my FIL thought it would be fairly painless to close out her estate because he had 'all this stuff' done by a buddy of his from the Knights of Columbus who did estate planning. He was wrong. It was a pain in the ass for him and for us because he had to go through probate and we had to help him. He was so frustrated by the experience that he went to the attorney DH and I used to do our estate planning.

If we got nothing out of that expense but a POAfor FIL, it would have been completely worth it. FIL had a massive stroke a year later and having that POA made things much, much easier and less expensive (for one thing, DH didn't have to go to court in order to make health care decisions for his father). His father never recovered from the stroke and for 2 years, until he died, it was hell. Thank god for that POA. DH was able to pay FIL's bills, sell his car, sell his house, give gifts in FIL's name to grandkids, etc.

I get there may be hard feelings about inheritance but that's really not where the pain point will be if your parent/IL is incapacitated. Being able to act on their behalf and make decisions is the greater hell. People need to plan for that.

OP here - yes, thank you. This is exactly the sort of thing I'm concerned about.

[Anonymous]

50 YO and youngest in my large family. Our dad died a few years ago and precisely because he and our mom had put everything into a trust, there was peace amidst the chaos. Also parents prearranged their funerals, down to the hymns and headstone selections. I felt a sense of peace at my dad’s funeral knowing that we were doing exactly what he had wanted.

Inspired by my parents’ plans, DH and I just completed our own trust/POA/guardianship. It’s freeing having this done. Next step is talking to our oldest adult child who would take the lead post our deaths.

Now my ILs think they are living forever, although both are oddly fixated upon aging related illnesses. We are hoping to start a conversation with ILs about doing some planning. They have never had a will and refuse to hire or consult for anything, much less an attorney. Recently MIL told me that DH will just have to handle everything. MIL is going to be selfish beyond the grave! FIL is thinking of downloading some forms and hoping for the best.

[Anonymous]

OP - yes, definitely have the conversation(s) now when things are as good as they're going to be because things can/do only get worse. There are basic estate planning documents available online, and some conversational prompts too. Perhaps start with a casual conversation about their thoughts on estate planning in general? A lot of people think that estate planning is really only for the wealthy but it's not - it can include a suite of documents including medical directives, and is designed to direct the decedent's wishes after death. Check out AARP web site.

Another resource is a trusts and estate attorney. Many do house calls. So you could have the attorney come by for a consultation when you and DH are at their home, and do some HW with the atty about guiding a conversation. Although a decent attorney will be accustomed to resistance and this dynamic. You can look at the Trusts and Estate section of your state's bar association; ask around friends; the old google machine... lots of resources.

I think the best way you can approach them is with compassion, because ultimately the estate documents are helpful to *all* involved, and giving the next generation peace of mind is often many seniors' main goal. The medical stuff in particular, because it's more than just power of attorney - there's a variety of living wills, advanced medical directives, etc, that are useful to have in advance. Add in a little gallows humor, because if you can't laugh *and* cry about this stuff you'll never get through it. My parents call their stuff their 'doomsday folder' and always say goodbye before a big trip reminding us where it is!

Good luck. I hope that 1 year from now you have it squared away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

...*This isn't about money, we're not expecting large inheritances or anything, it's because I've had friends recently whose parents have passed and it's been incredibly time consuming and stressful (and in one incident destroyed her marriage).

I think many PPs have missed the above sentence from the OP and also have not been through the death/incapacitation of a parent or MIL/FIL. Leaving inheritance aside, there is a lot that must be done. My mother (my father died in my teens so I have more limited knowledge of what went on) has everything set up in trusts, POA (health/financial), living wills, etc. My siblings and I all know she's got a lock box that lists all bank accounts, life insurance, mutual funds, stocks/bonds, etc. that she's got and we all know where the key is. We don't ALL have to know but at least one of us does. We know who is authorized to make her health care decisions (my brother who lives near her) and who will be executor of her estate (me). My sister and I already know our brother will receive more because he needs it more and because he does more for her.

I spent many years living/traveling overseas for development work. Given the nature of my work, my mother and I met with her attorney to get everything set up in case something happened to me. Even though I owned no 'real property', there would be plenty of things someone had to do in order to get my stuff, get my final paycheck and dispose of my stuff.

My MIL died 10 years ago and my FIL thought it would be fairly painless to close out her estate because he had 'all this stuff' done by a buddy of his from the Knights of Columbus who did estate planning. He was wrong. It was a pain in the ass for him and for us because he had to go through probate and we had to help him. He was so frustrated by the experience that he went to the attorney DH and I used to do our estate planning.

If we got nothing out of that expense but a POAfor FIL, it would have been completely worth it. FIL had a massive stroke a year later and having that POA made things much, much easier and less expensive (for one thing, DH didn't have to go to court in order to make health care decisions for his father). His father never recovered from the stroke and for 2 years, until he died, it was hell. Thank god for that POA. DH was able to pay FIL's bills, sell his car, sell his house, give gifts in FIL's name to grandkids, etc.

I get there may be hard feelings about inheritance but that's really not where the pain point will be if your parent/IL is incapacitated. Being able to act on their behalf and make decisions is the greater hell. People need to plan for that.

OP here - yes, thank you. This is exactly the sort of thing I'm concerned about.

Does your parent listen to you? If so, try talking to them about this. If not, there might be a very real limit to what you can do in this regard. You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink...