My emotionally abusive mother will not go away

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my mother lived with DH and I for awhile. She was always emotionally unstable but she suddenly went downhill quickly. She would drink heavily every day and night, verbally attack me infront of my kids and emotionally abused my children as well. My children are terrified of her.

This became so bad that DH and I decided to move because she refused to leave. Since moving out, she sent horrible text messages to DH and I and even showed up at my friend's house and told my friend horrible lies about me. Then she stopped and we thought it was over.

Until today. She showed up at my children's school. Their principal called me and they were crying in the background. She told them not to tell anyone that she was there. She then showed up in our parking lot and eventually left. I have no idea how she found our new address.

I'm terrified that she's going to kidnap or hurt my oldest daughter. She favors her over my youngest and makes it very clear. She texted me and said that I can't stop her from seeing her and she'll keep trying. She also said that I'm lucky that she didn't take her today.

I don't know how to stop this. I tried to ignore her but she won't stop. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, my mother lived with DH and I for awhile. She was always emotionally unstable but she suddenly went downhill quickly. She would drink heavily every day and night, verbally attack me infront of my kids and emotionally abused my children as well. My children are terrified of her.

This became so bad that DH and I decided to move because she refused to leave. Since moving out, she sent horrible text messages to DH and I and even showed up at my friend's house and told my friend horrible lies about me. Then she stopped and we thought it was over.

Until today. She showed up at my children's school. Their principal called me and they were crying in the background. She told them not to tell anyone that she was there. She then showed up in our parking lot and eventually left. I have no idea how she found our new address.

I'm terrified that she's going to kidnap or hurt my oldest daughter. She favors her over my youngest and makes it very clear. She texted me and said that I can't stop her from seeing her and she'll keep trying. She also said that I'm lucky that she didn't take her today.

I don't know how to stop this. I tried to ignore her but she won't stop. What should I do?

OP here,

I forgot to add that my oldest seems to miss her as well. Which breaks my heart because she is her only grandma. I'm honestly terrified that my mother will kidnap her or even kill her. I wish I could explain that to my daughter. I feel horrible keeping her from my mother but she is not a stable person. This is so hard.

[Anonymous]

Tell the school she cannot pick them up. This is a legal matter for the school and they need to be aware. They should have a form that asks if there are custody issues -- fill that out with info about your mother, that she is not authorized to pick them up.

Also get a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

You need to get a restraining order against her. You need to tell the school in writing (principal, DD's teachers, security if they have) that under NO circumstances is DD to be released to anyone but you or DH even if DD wants to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get a restraining order against her. You need to tell the school in writing (principal, DD's teachers, security if they have) that under NO circumstances is DD to be released to anyone but you or DH even if DD wants to go.

No! This is way too broad. You need to specify that it’s the child’s grandmother who is NOT allowed to pick her up. The school can handle one person being on the no-pick I list. The blanket ban makes you and your husband sound insane and paranoid.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to police and find out what you can do about your fears. You need to take your children to family counseling and help them under that their grandmother is sick and they cannot go with her.. Honestly, if it were me, I would consider moving cross country to get away from her. You could make this happen. I would set up restraining orders an make sure all children activities are informed about her, like coaches, dance teachers, etc. Start doing research on moving and maybe get a detective to help you cover your tracks so you can just disappear. Sounds like your family’s safety is at risk. I would move Neave and earth to get my children away from her.

[Anonymous]

Also from me above, keep records of all her texts to show police. Take care

[Anonymous]

How old is your oldest daughter?

[Anonymous]

You need to get a restraining order and block her numbers. Make sure the school knows it is not ok for her to take them ever.

[Anonymous]

God OP that is really horrible. I am so sorry. And you ALREADY moved.

Definitely a restraining order and notifying the school, maybe even the activities if you are not there with your children. When one's notifies a school, I wonder if it ok to include a picture of your wacko mom. I just know that some people are better with faces vs just names.

[Anonymous]

Confused - you say your children are "terrified" of her and then say that your oldest child "misses" your mother.

You say you believe it is possible that your mother may kidnap or kill your children. This is a very serious concern and I agree with others - put in a restraining order against her and be ready to provide specifics to authorities. Like, her text messages, what/when your mother stated she would kill or kidnap your children, who witnessed, etc.

I would also strongly suggest YOU personally get some counseling to sort through all this. Cutting your mother out of your life forever may be necessary, but it still has an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God OP that is really horrible. I am so sorry. And you ALREADY moved.

Definitely a restraining order and notifying the school, maybe even the activities if you are not there with your children. When one's notifies a school, I wonder if it ok to include a picture of your wacko mom. I just know that some people are better with faces vs just names.

NP. This post notes what I came here to add--you need not only to ensure the school knows but also to ensure that all activities are aware that she must not pick up either kid. If the kids do sports or dance or art or any activity outside school, you need to talk to the people running those activities, as well as provide documentation of a restraining order and yes, I'd add a photo of your mom.

The incident at school is a huge red flag, so take it seriously. Get a restraining order but also take the effort to go see and talk to the teacher and principal with written notification (drafted by a lawyer who helped with the restraining order) and a photo. The school front office secretaries need to know too, because they're the ones (not teacher or principal) who release kids when an adult comes and says "I'm here to get Sally."

Our DD danced for many years and I can see how, just for an example, it could be fairly easy for a familiar person to pick up a kid in some casual places like studios during class changeovers, or at the sidelines of sports fields, or in a community center. That's why you also must talk -- not just once but with reminders -- to your DDs. "If grandma comes and says that dad or mom told her she can pick you up--you must not leave with her. Even if she says WE said it's OK." I really would get a counselor ASAP to work with you on how to talk to your kids so they understand that they cannot ever believe grandma if she comes to get them.

Do you post about your kids on social media? Could mom see things like where they're going to be playing a sports game, or when a recital will take place--? I'd be careful to stop posting any advance details of where the kids might be.

Your mom is clearly seriously mentally ill. It's sad, but protecting the kids comes first.

[Anonymous]

Call the police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get a restraining order against her. You need to tell the school in writing (principal, DD's teachers, security if they have) that under NO circumstances is DD to be released to anyone but you or DH even if DD wants to go.

No! This is way too broad. You need to specify that it’s the child’s grandmother who is NOT allowed to pick her up. The school can handle one person being on the no-pick I list. The blanket ban makes you and your husband sound insane and paranoid.

PP, don't toss around terms like "insane and paranoid" at OP. She should restrict pickup privileges as much as she wants.

OP, any chance that your mom has snowed other relatives who think she's just fine? Could another person on your pickup list possibly get one of your DDs from school and take her to grandma? Be sure others in the family know that your mom is cut off and why. But PP above would say that's being "paranoid." It's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get a restraining order against her. You need to tell the school in writing (principal, DD's teachers, security if they have) that under NO circumstances is DD to be released to anyone but you or DH even if DD wants to go.

No! This is way too broad. You need to specify that it’s the child’s grandmother who is NOT allowed to pick her up. The school can handle one person being on the no-pick I list. The blanket ban makes you and your husband sound insane and paranoid.

PP, don't toss around terms like "insane and paranoid" at OP. She should restrict pickup privileges as much as she wants.

OP, any chance that your mom has snowed other relatives who think she's just fine? Could another person on your pickup list possibly get one of your DDs from school and take her to grandma? Be sure others in the family know that your mom is cut off and why. But PP above would say that's being "paranoid." It's not.

The blanket ban on anyone picking up the kids because there’s a good chance at some point you will NEED help from someone else. Then you’re in the awkward position of contacting the school and saying “I know said NEVER release Larla to anyone but DH and I, but I have a meeting that’s running late and DH can’t make it to pick up so we need to have Larlo’s dad drive them hone.” You immediately lose credibility.

However, contacting the school and saying that Grandma is not allowed to pick up either child and you need to be notified immediately if she enters the school is keeping the lines of communication open. The school cannot read your mind to know what’s happening unless you tell them. They are used to complicated custody situations and they can help you navigate this. If you get a restraining order, that’s even more helpful.

Telling the school only you and DH can pick up your kids is the opposite of helpful. The kids are never going to a friends house after school- ever?! Don’t do this, just communicate with the school and your children’s activities.