My emotionally abusive mother will not go away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Confused - you say your children are "terrified" of her and then say that your oldest child "misses" your mother.

You say you believe it is possible that your mother may kidnap or kill your children. This is a very serious concern and I agree with others - put in a restraining order against her and be ready to provide specifics to authorities. Like, her text messages, what/when your mother stated she would kill or kidnap your children, who witnessed, etc.

I would also strongly suggest YOU personally get some counseling to sort through all this. Cutting your mother out of your life forever may be necessary, but it still has an impact.

OP here.

She was a decent grandma until she went downhill. I think my DD misses that part of her. She also doesn't realize how sick she is and that she was drunk every time she was around. She favors my oldest as well and treats my youngest horribly. I think my oldest likes that undivided attention she gets from her that she can't get from me because I don't ignore my youngest like my mother did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your oldest daughter?

She just turned 7.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get a restraining order against her. You need to tell the school in writing (principal, DD's teachers, security if they have) that under NO circumstances is DD to be released to anyone but you or DH even if DD wants to go.

No! This is way too broad. You need to specify that it’s the child’s grandmother who is NOT allowed to pick her up. The school can handle one person being on the no-pick I list. The blanket ban makes you and your husband sound insane and paranoid.

PP, don't toss around terms like "insane and paranoid" at OP. She should restrict pickup privileges as much as she wants.

OP, any chance that your mom has snowed other relatives who think she's just fine? Could another person on your pickup list possibly get one of your DDs from school and take her to grandma? Be sure others in the family know that your mom is cut off and why. But PP above would say that's being "paranoid." It's not.

The blanket ban on anyone picking up the kids because there’s a good chance at some point you will NEED help from someone else. Then you’re in the awkward position of contacting the school and saying “I know said NEVER release Larla to anyone but DH and I, but I have a meeting that’s running late and DH can’t make it to pick up so we need to have Larlo’s dad drive them hone.” You immediately lose credibility.

However, contacting the school and saying that Grandma is not allowed to pick up either child and you need to be notified immediately if she enters the school is keeping the lines of communication open. The school cannot read your mind to know what’s happening unless you tell them. They are used to complicated custody situations and they can help you navigate this. If you get a restraining order, that’s even more helpful.

Telling the school only you and DH can pick up your kids is the opposite of helpful. The kids are never going to a friends house after school- ever?! Don’t do this, just communicate with the school and your children’s activities.

I didn't say OP should not let anyone else be on the approved pickup list.

I said it's wrong to label her paranoid if she and DH make that choice.

They do not need anyone telling them they're paranoid. You do get that grandma somehow located them at their new home which they had tried to keep secret from her, right? And that grandma has texted threats, saying she will keep attempting to take their children?

Of course OP can and should designate a few trusted people as OK for pickup in case she and DH both can't make it. But she does need to consider whether her mom has convinced relatives that somehow mom is fine and OP is the one who is crazy. That's just due diligence, finding out if anyone on the potential pickup list doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

OP, I'd change the school pickup list and notify activities immediately, today. Then I'd find out by the end of today how to get started on a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your oldest daughter?

She just turned 7.

From a different post it sounds like your daughter understands her grandmother has issues. 7 is old enough for you to explain that sometimes people have illnesses that affect their minds and emotions and sadly, that's what Grandma has. And until Grandma gets treatment, just like you'd go to a Dr. if your body was sick, that it's not safe for Grandma to be around your family. I'd then tell her she shouldn't go anywhere with Grandma and you've had to tell the school that she's not allowed to pick her up from school.

And + 1 on the restraining order.

Good luck - so sorry you are dealing with this from your own mother.

[Anonymous]

+ 100 on the restraining order. I would also be very careful about what extracurricular drop off activities you choose. Not all of these programs are well managed or set up where if your mother ran in the person there would know what to do or even notice. There is a wide range of supervision out there. I'd suggest getting a ring camera and by careful about your mother grabbing your daughter in your neighborhood. Don't let her walk her home alone. If she goes to a neighborhood friend's house they need to play inside he house or backyard not in view of the street.

[Anonymous]

I also would not block her from sending you texts or emails. Do not respond but you should keep records of what she says and sends you. This will also give you a heads up if she is escalating even further.

[Anonymous]

1. Call police non-emergency number and ask for advice.

2. Restraining order if at all possible.

3. It will be your duty to tell every single school and activity that your children's grandmother is currently under a restraining order and must never be allowed to approach the children. Tell them that to impress how dangerous it could be. Give them a photo for immediate recognition purposes.

4. You should contact her local social services for the elderly to describe the situation and ask whether they can do a wellness check or anything else. If you have her doctor's contact info, call her doctor to describe her mental state so that they can do their best to diagnose and treat her. The doctor cannot share any confidential information about patients, but can and should include your concerns in their patient file.

5. Talk about this to other family members, and explain that they should not be enabling her or give them your address or contact info.

[Anonymous]

You have to treat this like this was a stranger on the street doing the same thing. Call the police, get restraining order, document, document and document more. You will need it for the restraining order. Explain to the children grandma isn't well and end it there.

Your emotionally abusive mother won't go away cause you keep letting her back in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the school she cannot pick them up. This is a legal matter for the school and they need to be aware. They should have a form that asks if there are custody issues -- fill that out with info about your mother, that she is not authorized to pick them up.

Also get a restraining order.

+1

You need to get a restraining order and give a copy to the shcool.